Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Thanks Nblost, I agree my W needs help -- but she's not willing to do it and I can't make her. She told me she's not worth the therapist's time. That drives me crazy because she's so successful at her job, she's a great mother, and she has so much good going on.

There is no way I would have an A, just won't happen. Having been on the other side of it, I *know* how damaging it is. Even without that knowledge I wouldn't do it -- that's not who I am. An A usually starts with an overture that is just slightly over the line, a comment that can be taken either way. It's up to the receiving party to then indicate they are willing to escalate. I always shut that down. I don't let it go to the next step. I love my wife, and I am committed to my family.

I did stand up to my wife last night -- the impact is that a person who already feels badly about herself now feels worse, and like more of a failure. Normally as soon as things head south I give up on my request and start reassuring her. Last night I held my ground. She told me she WILL communicate with me if I want, but that she will be permanently diminished as a result, and I don't want to be responsible for that. She's letting me know in advance that she will resent me for it. I started going into reassurance mode this morning, so I'm going to pave it over.

I don't think the ultimatum is the way to go -- I've already put my feelings on the line and have gotten my answer.

Therefore my choices are to walk or to cope, and for right now, I guess I work on cope. It's so frustrating that "I want you to enjoy sex more" makes me the bad guy. I understand that it's all about me, and I understand that I am projecting what I think is best for my W versus listening to her tell me she doesn't want to enjoy sex. That's just not a message I can accept -- and that's my issue. I think I could understand much better if I were demanding that she get into bondage with me, or engage in a 3-way, or something like that where it would clearly have nothing to do with her. In this case, I'm saying "this is great, it's a great feeling, I want you to share it" and that makes me selfish.

Aaarrrrgghhhh

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