thank you for the post. i think i'd rather have a spouse and family than just another friend...and i think, though i don't know, that i wouldn't be able to be friends. as you said, though, it could take years and how i feel now isn't how i'm going to feel later.
journal:
had my son stay home from school today so we could climb trees and make mom a birthday cake and card. she had a job interview today and that's both bad and good... bad in the sense that if she gets the job then i think she's moving out and good because if she gets the job AND we can reconcile THEN we get to stay in our home.
last night she massaged a hurt part of my neck which was remarkable. in the languages of love, i'm a physical touch person so i'm wondering if i'm getting the wrong ideas because of our touching now. on her way to her interview today she leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then, as she was driving away i made the sign for "i love you" as did my son and she looked at me and signed back "i love you".
we were talking last night and her shoulders are so sore and aching but she's afraid for me to rub them because, as she said "two people that love each other and haven't been intimate in 6 months and we both know what massages lead to." well... it's true enough what she said but not all massages lead to intimacy.
i've very confused.
at the same time she's making it clear to me that she doesn't see a way forward for us however she did comment that she notices i'm doing more around the house, even though i'm not. she's just noticing it now (though i am being more purposeful about helping her with things that she decides to do i.e. rake leaves or what have you whereas before we'd both do our own sort of yard projects at the same time.)
in any case, i'm going to the trauma unit tomorrow (Sat) at 3pm and i'll probably be there for about a month or so, which means i miss, potentially, our last Christmas and my son's birthday as a family. i'm actually thinking that she's going to serve me when i'm in the unit. i suppose that would be ok though not at the same time.
