DB'ing is soooo hard!

[2thepoint]

Hi Rick, I see you posted on my thread so I'm just going to respond to your questions here......

"I want to ask you your opinion, and Busto's as well. I am sick of my wife's ongoing A, and my 3 sons (two still living at home) are horrified by it and want me to leave her. I am at a DB crossroads. As long as my W continues the EA, lives in the house and gets a free ride (like your sitch 2TP she gets everything tsken care of by me - kids, finances, household work, etc.) she will never be motivated to R. She will not willingly leave the house and I have asked her too. And I refuse to leave as a matter of principle, and I don't want to give her an edge by leaving if we do D."

My initial reaction was that one of you should move out. But you have tried that and no one is willing to budge so on to plan B.

I think I may have suggested this to you earlier or elsewhere on this forum but I think the time has come for you to go dark or very dim. First you need to stop going places with your W (I know I've suggested that to you before). See if there is a friend that you can stay with for a few nights each week. Getting away from the daily reminder will work wonders on your mental well being. Also, you are creating the space that is needed to allow your W to feel a little uncomfortable. And... you aren't really moving out, just spending time away from the sitch.

Further, by being away for a few days each week, you create considerable MYSTERY. Your W will wonder what the hell you are up to. And truth be known, it is none of her damn business considering the circumstances. This is taking the control away from your W and putting it squarely in your hands.

"I am seeing D as the only way to shake it up, but obviously this is a pretty big step and leaves maybe no room for a R. I'm not sure what I can do to find some other alternative solution. I adsmit we still do a lot together and I have been thinking its a means to stay connected, but I don't know. Maybe it just makes it easier for her to take advantage of my love and support. What do you guys think about D as an answer? When I go dark at home with her, or engage in any GAL activity she immediately has a problem with it. Right now I am holding on quietly to get through the Holidays for the kids sake, but then I think I will go dark on her and no doing things together. Be ready to drop the D on her if she pisses me or the kids off too much more. Thoughts?"

You know Rick, only you can decide when/if D is the answer. Sometimes I suppose pulling the trigger on the D may be the catalyst that is needed to get things moving. But have you tried everything there is? Have you used all the arrows in your quiver?

Your W is controling you and you need to take back that control from her. She is not willing to budge so you need to make a move...and stick to it! When she gets PO'd when you try to go dark, that is her exercising control. Since she is the one who initiated all this mess, you should simply remind her with a smile on your face and in your tone, that this is what she wants and so you are simply giving her space. Then leave the room. Don't engage any further. Let her scream, rant and rave, etc. Leave the house and go for a walk then go do your GAL activities.

Rick, please don't take this the wrong way, but it realy sounds like your W has your nutts in a lock box. You need to grab the key, get them back and go GAL.

So, when are you going to make a move?