Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

I think that's great Nblost, I do appreciate your analogy and it's a good one. I wasn't really reading "sex books" per se, I've been reading relationship books. "Passionate Marriage" was really the first one that talked about how essential a good sex life is to a healthy marriage and that did make me see the potential and want to explore it. Based on the dynamics its creating, I have stopped reading it.

Last night was bad -- I had my IC appointment last night and came armed with the good feedback I've received here -- that I'm making it "all about me", that I'm unfairly putting pressure on my wife, that my expectations are too high, and that I need to learn to appreciate what I'm getting versus worrying about what I'm not.

My IC basically turned that on it's head. She said that my expectation for a good sex life is perfectly reasonable, and to want to be able to please my wife is not a need I should feel badly about, even if it is all about me. She said that the fact that my wife won't go there with me leaves a hole in our marriage that I'm trying to fill, and that it's ok.

She said that I am doing the things that most women love, lots of QT, positive attention. Connection during the day with IM and e-mail. Focusing on the two of us, acts of service, etc. She said that I am not making this all about sex, that I'm working on the marriage from all angles, and obviously trying to improve my approach to things, including going to therapy.

She encouraged me to talk to my wife about it again, and to suggest that I don't necessarily need her to have an O, but just tell me what I can do to make the experience better for her than it is now. She didn't feel like I am pressuring my wife or being unrealistic -- she said I'm just looking for something that is a reasonable expectation from any marriage.

I told her that my W has told me that she's not interested in making sex better -- it's not who she is, and even talking about it makes her upset. The IC said that's cr@p, everyone wants to enjoy sex, and if W wasn't able to admit that then there are other things going on, but that she can't help further without talking to W. We agreed that basically the only way through this is if W will agree to see a sex therapist with me.

Sitting there hearing all that, I felt validated, whereas walking in I felt like I was being unreasonable and unfair to W. When I told IC that I didn't think there was any way that W was going to agree to see a therapist of any kind, she said "then your only option is to suck it up, and I feel badly for you" (which is effectively the feedback I got here).

So last night W asked me what we discussed in therapy and I shared some of that. I told her that I acknowledged it was all about me, but that I would like it if we could find a way that W could take more pleasure from sex, so I wouldn't feel like I was always receiving / taking. I'd also like the opportunity to give.

W got very upset. She said she thinks I'd be happier with someone else, someone who was more affectionate, expressive, and sexual. She feels like I'm asking her to change and not accept who she is, despite the fact that SHE has accepted her darkness and her issues. I reassured her that I love her, talked about all the things I love about her, and all the things that we do well together and are so good about our marriage. Unfortunately this is the one issue that remains a source of unhappiness and I'd like to work with her to address it.

When talking to the IC, I told her that W never gives me any feedback about our sex life, she never tells me what she likes, she doesn't tell me what she doesn't like. She says "do what you want" and that makes me feel terrible, like I'm using her. When I tell her a particular episode was "good", she says "I'm glad you liked it". She never says she liked it too.

IC told me that this makes me feel undesired and unloved, and in the worst case abandoned, and that's why it's so hard for me.

W told me last night that telling me what she likes sexually makes her cry and feel badly about herself -- she said "is that what you want?"

I asked if she could tell me just one time -- that way I'll know and she won't have to discuss it again, but it would make things better forever. She said that if she tells me she will permanently feel worse about herself, that it will "diminish her". Then, she got angry and said "Let's go, let's do it now" in an angry tone. I told her no, that's not what I'm looking for. I'd like her to WANT to work on it with me, not to give in out of frustration and anger. (I was happy that I was able to turn that down in the moment, but it was so tempting to get some feedback! That just would have been the wrong way to get it.)

So we agreed last night that we're at an impass. If W works on enjoying sex more, she will feel worse about herself permanently, but if she doesn't I'll be perpetually unhappy. She kept saying she wants me to be happy, but that she accepts who she is, and she's not willing to work on this. I told her that the cost for her of addressing it seems to be higher than the cost to me of coping, so I won't bring it up again. I hugged her after that and told her that as long as we love each other, and have so many good things in our marriage, we'll find a way through and it will work out, but we both clearly felt badly and had a hard time getting to sleep.

So that's where I am. It's frustrating to me that W is so quick to suggest I should be with someone else. Since she was a WAS, it triggers me that she really wants out of this marriage but doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger, so she's trying to push me to walk away on my own. Most times I really don't believe that, but when she suggests that she can't make me happy I get triggered.

So time to work on sucking it up and getting happy being a "taker" which is so not who I am.

Thoughts?