New here; husband left

[Coyote]

"This is just too much. Im fighting a losing battle. Im tired. I was hanging on by a tiny little thread and it was cut today. I love my H. But it dosnt matter."

I'm really sorry you're hurting right now. The pain and betrayal of something like this is not something a lot of people have to endure.

When I was going through this, often, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Like I was a freak. When I came here and found others going through pretty much the same thing I found it refreshing. Found out what I was feeling was actually pretty normal! From what I see you're pretty normal too. I don't see anything out of the ordinary for such a lousy situation.

For yourself and for H even, you have to distance yourself from H when you can. H is on an up/down roller coaster ride and if you stay in close contact with H you and your sanity is going to get pulled along on that ride. I've seen this happen with myself and with many others. You need to checkout the Last Resort Technique in the DB book. That will shed some more light on this. (Don't forget to keep working through the book though. Again if you have to. Many sections compliment each other.)

As for the loosing battle, the only loosing battle I see here is trying to convince H not to D, not to run away. If you do you'll push him even further. Your H is oscillating between confusion, anger, some fear, even sadness. You can't sort this out. Remember, you're tryng to win the war. Not the little battles here and there.

Let him go. A D doesn't always mean it's the end. Let him make his own mistakes and find out for himself that you're not the cause of his problems. Once you're off to the side H can't blame you anymore, both internally and to you verbally. He will have no choice but to take a new look at things.

"Im not strong like I should be."

Yes you are, it just doesn't seem like it at the moment. Somehow, you need to pick yourself back up. Don't give in to the lethargy. Put one foot in front of the other. Keep chipping away at positive things you can do 'one at a time.' For you and your child. The very worst thing you can do right now is roll over and do nothing.

Make sure you eat healthy. Keep some activity in your life, walk it off perhaps. Keep a personal journal. Also, don't forget to go see your family doctor. Your body is really taking a beating right now. Get things checked up. Explain your situation. Sometimes they can even recommend mild levels of antidepressants to help smooth things a little. I know I had too. Not the only one too.

Also, go see a cousellor if you haven't already. You need a safe place to vent to someone in person. Keep talking to that friend from church. If you need, talk to one of the DB coaches, http://www.divorcebusting.com/telephone_coaching.htm

Things will get better, this I promise you. One day you're going to look back on this and say to yourself, 'whoa, I really did make it through that, Whoo hooo!' The sun will shine again.

"I feel like im about to lash out at everyone including my h, his hole family, my friends!!!"

Don't do that, oh no no no! I did that a couple times. Took a while to pickup the pieces again with that (Sigh) This is something not a lot of people understand. If they say some things, button it! Water off a duck's back. Vent elsewhere (here or see above.)

Coyote Boy