Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Nblost]

Accuray, I hope you are hanging in there. Your comment on reading sex books reminded me of my H. About 5 years ago (when we should have been in counseling but weren't), he bought a big old stack of books about sex. Passionate Marriage, Sex Starved Marriage, Hot Sex, sex, sex, sex... He read parts of some of them and the whole time, it made me feel more and more inferior. I tried reading parts of them too, but I kept feeling like these books weren't necessarily getting at my issues. I think for me, I needed my H to be more romantic, plan things for us, spend time with me, etc. (I think one of my key LLs is quality time) So, I ordered some books on fixing our marriage and I think H's reaction was likely, "we don't need a bunch of fluff on how to talk...we need to have more/better sex and then I'll feel like talking"

In reality, Sex Starved Marriage was probably exactly the book we needed, but it got lost a bit in the shuffle and I reacted a bit negatively back then to the title...sadly, I thought because we were having sex...my H couldn't really be sex starved (I now know that is wrong).

I think we were both right in our own ways. I think our problem was...we each knew what we didn't like, but instead of finding a forward-looking solution--we just complained about the problem for awhile and then just thought the other person wasn't willing to change. We didn't proactively work on things, actively love the other person and treat them how they wanted to be loved.

Anyway, I totally get why you would be reading books on improving your sex life...but it may be coming across badly to your wife.

Here's a bad analogy. Let's say I'm a fabulous cook and I love making dinner every night. However, I really wish my husband would join me in the kitchen and help me. What do I do? I buy 10 fabulous cookbooks written by famous chefs and sit in bed reading them every night. Does this inspire my husband to feel like picking up one of the cookbooks? Probably not...I'm already great and now it seems like I'm even further ahead of him. Not exactly on point...but that's kind of how I felt when H was reading the books.

I really think the key is communication and that's probably best with counseling. I wish your wife would go.