Well, I'm back...with bright red face.

[Psych77]

Well, I'm back. When I last wrote I had a huge amount I wanted to write about what was really a very small experience I had recently. To be honest, I am having trouble mustering the enthusiasm to type about it, but I think that I need to bring it out.

About a week ago (actually 2 weeks) I went to a rehearsal for a small community play that 2 of my children are in. Actually, I was only there to drop them off, but one of the performers was unable to be at that rehearsal, and they asked me to read for his part. Well, acting used to be my old love; long before W and I met I used to perform in community theater. I used to live for it! It never felt like work to do that. I was just doing what I did. And some people said some very nice things about my acting. By this time, of course, it had been more than 20 years since I had gone on a stage.

Well, I read for that part, and people loved it. More importantly, I loved it. I felt the old energy, the old me, back again. I was going into it whole hog, and the other performers were in it with me.

It got me thinking. After we got married, it wasn't long before we were parents. As soon as that happened, the only thing that mattered about me was what I needed to become. I needed to become a provider, I needed to become a man with a career, I needed to become responsible, I needed to try, and try hard, do everything I could to become what I wasn't. What didn't matter anymore was who I was.

Not that it was wrong for me to be expected to step up to the plate when responsibilities arose. In many ways, I was pretty slow to assume those responsibilities, and should have gotten my act together much sooner. But I feel like in the process I lost myself.

What happened that night was the first time in years that I felt people valuing me for doing something that just came naturally. I didn't have to try hard. I just had to be myself. And I was valued for that. Just for being me.

Of course, there is not any obvious application for this newfound knowledge I have. I already spend enough evenings away from home as it is, and don't want my time with the children (not to mention, eventually as we grow closer, with W) to suffer.

I guess it was just important for me to get a snapshot of what it felt like to just be me, and to be appreciated for that. It matters that I have a picture of what has been missing for me - what I'm looking for.

In other news...

W last night just told me that she had noticed a change in my behavior - and not a good one. Apparently my appetite has become rather ravenous, and W mentioned to me that she has been horrified at the amounts I have been eating. There is undoubtedly substance to this, although I had never really noticed it. Apparently the children have, and have mentioned it to W as well.

W didn't go out of her way to be overly delicate when telling me this, but she wasn't trying to be offensive, either.

But what was important to me wasn't what she said (although it does clue me in on some things I should probably try to change), nor how she said it.

What really matters to me is the fact that, although I felt attacked by what she says (something that has often prevented us from communicating) and was tempted to become defensive, I held back and listened. It was perhaps my first successful attempt at changing the way I perceive her talking to me. I was able to listen to her, assuming that she was trying to convey information I needed to know in order to address problems, rather than assuming that she was angry and yelling at me. I guess that seems elementary for some people, but for me it is a huge leap forward.

Well, I'm all typed out. Will try to maintain a fairly regular presence here, so that I can keep current.