wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

Hey all,

Thank you everyone for providing so much of your input and thoughts. Even if the advice conflicts I enjoy reading it and trying to let it all soak in.

25, I think you have me mixed up with another poster somewhere because my W doesn't work and we don't have a disabled d….

JAKE, Mea culpa.

I think I got ticked off and distracted by other "stuff". And Yes I did misstate that. But I reviewed your thread today so I have to say I still, more or less feel the same.

Your wife does SAY she wants to work on the m (better than many situations here) and you said you did believe you shared some of the responsibility for the problems.

Though your 180s have been inconsistent, I stand by my belief that you do want to work on the marriage and be the better man, and I definitely urge you to stay on course with that, no matter what.

If you do feel fully reconciled or at least fully in piecing, consider Retrovaille, b/c it's a strong program for people in crisis, with a strong record.

And when you are given the choice between two views of an event and each is more or less just as likely, work on believing the best of your partner.

Gives them something to live UP to. Make sense?


Last night:

We went to our 6th MC session last night. For the last day or two she had been seeming pretty distant nd I felt like something was bothering her, but I didn't nag her about it like I normally would have. Well, I found out why she was acting that way… she decided to discuss the A and snooping with the MC last night. Previously, we had not mentioned any of it during the MC sessions, instead focusing on everything else. So, I think she was preparing for the worst.

This was a pretty big relief to me since it was sorta like having a big elephant in the room that no one was talking about. She stuck to her original story about the alleged A with the MC. The MC was awesome in that he directly asked me if I thought an A occurred and is still occurring… so I just had to answer that as opposed to saying it directly.

I said that I have been living assuming an A occurred and that I am leaning towards it likely not still happening. My W admitted that the "friendship" was inappropriate and wrong for all the obvious reasons. She justified all of her actions and downplayed the whole thing to just a friendship. The MC asked me to detail some of the evidence I had and my W responded basically saying that everything was taken out of context. She used the excuse that her female friend was trying to hook-up with his male friend and my W and the OM were the middle people in that and established a friendship in the meantime. She said that the OM filled a need of attention she had since she had stopped talking to me. I don't really get that because she wouldn't need his attention had she not stopped talking to me.

you need to explore this so you "do get it" or she revises or something. It's crucial that you can fix this or that she sees it differently OR both...


My W admitted to talking to the OM again the last week, which I previously posted about. She claims it was to facilitate some kind of return for something her mother bought from the OMs store. I believe that story because there were calls/texts to her mom around the time she was talking to the OM again. And the phone calls to the OM were only like 15 minutes, so I can see that being sorta a "how are you doing" kinda conversation.

The MC understood her logic in talking to the OM and made it very clear to her that she is to break all communication with the OM, no exceptions. My W agreed to this when the MC said it because he basically told her that whatever the reason is for communicating with him, it should not be a higher priority to her than repairing her M. Let's hope it sticks this time.

My W deleted his number from her phone on our car ride home. I know that its not hard for her to send him a message on Facebook or maybe her friend has his number in her phone, but really there's nothing else she can do other than deleting the number and promising again not to talk to him. Maybe this time hearing it from the MC will work?

I admitted to all the snooping I had done. I thought the MC was going to come down hard on me for that but he sorta rationalized it for me. I made it clear that I wasn't justifying my snooping, but rather explaining why I had done it. I also agreed to stop snooping.

you did not "justify" it but you explained it...um, okay...and you agreed to Stop Snooping...Hope you live by that.

The MC left us with the direction that we need to make this whole A stuff completely transparent to each other. He made it clear to my W that if I have questions, even if they are the same questions over and over, that she has to answer them. The only problem I have is that my W is sticking to the same story so for me to continue to hear what I consider the same lies over and over is not going to help.

that "only problem" is what? I think it's YOURS Jake ....you had a mc believing her and you mostly did, so what's up with not believing her, now?? If you did not believe her then why pretend all was well last night when you had the chance to say "hey wait a minute." Is it b/c you know how it sounds coming from you?



I really don't buy into her story and there's nothing she can tell me to change my mind, other than admitting to an A.


WOW...then what is the point of asking her ANY questions about it? Ever? You have no reason to now that you admit NOTHING she says will change your mind. If that is literally true and NOTHING she says can change your mind, That is irrational Jake. And What a situation to corner yourself into...


But, if an A never happened that will obviously never happen. I guess I just have to live with never knowing… if something happened and she didn't admit to it by now, why would she?

So this whole MC session was a success I feel. I felt great once we left and we both have been a lot happier towards each other.

ironic thing to say, given you believe she's lying to you and the mc. But I guess I just hope you work on accepting you may never know and that does not matter IF you are commited now and from this day forward.

Do you think she's fake being committed to the marraige, and if so, why?


My current course of action is largely the same as my last few posts. I am working on the things discussed in the MC sessions, doing 180s on a lot of other stuff, and really just trying to demonstrate the positives about myself. I am kinda thinking about it in my head as being in some sort of competition with the OM about who is more fun to be around.

I envy his position though because all he has to do is lend his ear, give biased advice, and be a blast to hang out with for a few hours. All the "changes" I'm making are really things that I should do regardless of whatever my W has done or is doing or will be doing. They will make me a better person for myself.

Thoughts?

seeing a father lovingly interact with the children gives you a HUGE advantage. It's a turn on to mothers. And you have history! There is great comfort in familiarity that is under rated too.

Sure, he is "new". But I would not trade places with him if I were you and if your personal work is real.

Good luck