So last night he called while I was in a movie and had my phone on silent. When I checked my phone there was a text saying "I tried to call, see you later" I texted back to say "sorry was in the middle of something and phone was on silent"
He responded "no problem" and asked me to meet him at a local restaurant for dinner. I agreed. It was a nice time, although awkward at times, but mostly nice.
He briefly asked me about my counseling, and I tried to answer briefly and move on. He said "Maybe I need someone to tell me where I am off" (interesting but only he can make that appt)
He took the opportunity to tell me about a work trip he is scheduling for February. I think this was a test to see how I would react. My 180 was to listen and not ask too many questions, not have an over-reaction to the trip. He has always claimed he was afraid to bring this type of thing to me.
The trip falls 2 days after our wedding anniversary. He said he specifically requested that they avoid that date for travel, it falls on a Sunday. He also said "if we can get away for the weekend, it will be on our actual anniversary." He asked if he could plan it.
It's a long way away, and I am not thinking too much about it. I also don't want to bandaid my M or we will keep coming back here.
It may be time to call my DB coach soon. I am super confused
I forgot one important piece and still questioning whether I handled it well or not. Last night a male friend of ours called me, and I missed the call. He had also texted me the day before. It is nothing funny, he needed advice.
When H found out that he called, he said "why does he text you, and not me. Don't you find that odd"
I said "not really, it is no different than J and R texting you" and he shrugged and said "i guess"
We have 2 female friends that tend to call or text him more than me, they have work things in common so I never really thought much of it.
But now that the shoe is on the other foot, it bothers him. He would have a fit if I ever suggested the same, and tell me that I don't trust him.
In reading my own posts, I see my codependency rearing its ugly head. Sometimes just getting it in writing is important, to me anyway.
In addition to reading Codependent no more, I just googled and found that there are groups for this. Could be worth some additional research, but really think that needs to be the focus of my next therapy session. I really need to work on this, continue to build my self esteem.
Autumn, I think you should go on that anniversary trip, DB on it, and keep your expectations low. By DB I mean put your best foot forward, be the person only a fool would leave. He's making a huge peace offering I think. Go, and don't make a big deal of it. And have a RELAXING time! Let him plan it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Gosh. I'm not sure I'm very useful, but I sure feel every step of your pain. I was pretty codependent on my ex, mostly POST-bomb. I can't even begin to tell you how to deal w/it in your marriage, as I only dealt w/it by divorcing. (Isn't that special?)
W/my boyfriend, I noticed that I was a bit that way in the beginning our "committed" relationship. Combine that w/lingering trust issues, and Ewwwwwwww... So, what helped me was talking through this w/my IC. Mostly discussing not transferring xH's sins in our marriage on to new boyfriend.
So, how do you deal w/it w/the same husband?
Not sure... But, I think I'd start w/a mental (perhaps written) checklist of what would make you feel more secure in your relationship while enjoying an independent life.
Just some thoughts for the day over a bowl of soup @ lunch!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Thank you adinva, I absolutely plan to and trying not to have too many expectations. Anything will be better than last year, which is when this all began.
You are absolutely helpful mindfull, I appreciate the conversations on this board so much. A checklist may be a very good place to start. I can't wait to work on some of this in counseling (individual I mean)
Your H is definitely moving in the right direction. That is awesome.
I think since he brought up counseling you should do research and put together 2 or 3 names for him. Finding a good C is very hard and you definitely want him to see a pro marriage person. It could be a real set back if he sees a anti marriage C, which many of them are.
You can just say you asked your C and these are the names your C gave you.
Dont let him pick a random person that takes your insurance. My H did that and his C gave him a book about how to have an amicable divorce. Be careful.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
In addition to reading Codependent no more, I just googled and found that there are groups for this. Could be worth some additional research, but really think that needs to be the focus of my next therapy session. I really need to work on this, continue to build my self esteem.
I think this is a good step. I'm a huge advocate for the book.
The online groups.. not so much. If you read the book - you know you can detach in love or detach in anger. I really strive for the 1st one and I find most people on the online boards do the 2nd.
I think we need to build our self esteem and put ourselves first.. but just like any other self help program, people can use it to justify hurting other people... and that's not right.
You're definitely heading in the right direction... but walk slowly and carefully.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, slowly and carefully is a very good reminder. I tend to want things fixed yesterday and obviously that can't happen.
What I am realizing is that I am too concerned with outside things, and really need to look within for the first time. I was codependent long before I met H or got married. If I am being honest with myself, this goes back to the dysfunctional relationships I had with my parents. I have some work to do But I am willing to do it!
But I am willing to do it!