During the meeting the therapist asked her about the OM, and she said she's not going to stop the relationship with him. He's currently back in his family/current wife's city for the holiday and alluding to him returning in the near future. The therapist asked her if this was going to be a long distance relationship and what her plan was, and she responded that they are looking for work together and will move to whatever city. Keep in mind this affair probably started all of 5 months ago by my best estimate.
This is so ridiculous it's hard to put into words. She's leaving me because 1) I've been hard on her about participating in cleaning the house, yet I have walls and furniture covered in petroleum jelly, mirrors covered in makeup, and she blow dries her hair at the kitchen table and hasn't run a vaccuum cleaner in 3 years, 2) I didn't immediately support her decision to start her own business--yes yes I was selfish and didn't want to make sacrifices, but come on I realize that was a mistake and it would be good for both of us for her to pursue that, 3) she thinks we have incompatible intimacy--our frequency requirements are different and 4) her perception that our finances, separate, we're never fair to her. Every time she brought this up in all years of marriage we adjusted, and the last time it came down to her not giving any money for assistance on household costs.
The therapist zeroed in on something that I've been saying all along, but not to her--her toolkit for dealing with things is to flee (or more specifically, cut herself off). The therapist gave her some food for thought--the skill of withdrawing that she learned in dealing with her mother as a child is not a skill that will serve her in the adult world. I was almost shocked that the therapist was that straightforward. And it cuts straight to the heart of the problem. Her mother was horrible, abusive, and this is how she handled things with her, 16+ years ago.
So she is planning to leave me for a guy that she cheated on me with, who is her boss, from another city, who is leaving his wife and two kids, to escape a me who is willing to work on those things he's made mistakes on. This man she's leaving loves her son as his own.
Considering she's gone 11 months with no new job looking before she lost this one it could be months before she finds anything.
I've asked her for time, to just slow down on all this. Even the therapist said the odds of her relationship with this other person is very low--I'm wondering if a little time will bring her to her senses.
For now she will live at the house, but I suspect if the OM comes back, she will be spending little time at home. If that happens I may have to get hardcore and ask her to leave. I'm almost at the point now where I will start asking her to pay for her half of everything. She's always says it's unfair, but in the therapy I told her the exact amount of what our monthly costs are, and she said how much she pays to the therapist. Her contribution is about 1/3 to 1/4. Now I understand she picks up stuff for our son and her student loans, so I fail to see how this is unfair. Since Sept I pay for it all, even picked up the tabs for her car ( I did that 24 hours before I found out about the affair, isn't that great?).
So, Abbey you called it, she's got OM in her hair big time.
I need some patience here, of course, so thank whoever reads this for allowing me to rant a little here.
