I agree with IB about trying not to let yourself be manipulated by HIS ups and downs, and it sounds like you are. It's understandable, expected, but it's hurting you.
Your posts above remind me of when XH and I were back together, after the first separation, pre-his meeting OW. He would break down, cry, make the promises, I'd feel numb, disbelieving.
The fact is that I had very little trust in him anymore. I also was starting by then to recognize that I was doing better without him and that I was afraid I'd lose those things if I was with him. And then he took up with OW despite the promises, and now we're divorced.
Today, he claims that my "not trusting him then" was one factor that led to OW/the affair. But he also claims a million other things.
I think the anxiety you're feeling (and it's just my opinion as I'm not a doctor) is coming from trust issues. Trust in yourself to "make the right decision" and that involves whether you WANT to be with him or not, plus how much of your GALing you are going to "keep around" when he is saying things like "you're punishing me" when from your end, you're taking care of yourself. It's also trust in him, because you hear his crying and sadness, and your heart goes out to him and you want to believe he won't hurt you again, but you don't know that.
You're holding all this in from him, because it's such a tenuous situation that you feel you will so much affect if you let this out, and it's creating an enormous amount of anxiety in you.
I think it makes perfect sense that "only now" is this anxiety coming out for you.
I don't want to paint him as the bad guy. Maybe he really will piece things and work hard and stick around.
But the punishing him comment when you've GALed (esp. since you said he is exagerrating) is troubling, and also troubling is the comment about how "you thought this was what he wanted."
That reminds me of when they first show MLC issues and they blame us for everything, and we work furiously to correct what they tell us is wrong in US, and they keep moving the bar, moving the target.
Ok, so you GALed, you feel better about yourself, and these were also changes he said he wanted, but now he's not happy with them either?? See what is going on here?
I do not envy you at all. I think a lot of people do envy those in this position and it's just as hard as the losing them part, I swear. It takes a lot of strength to be where you are and hold it together.
I would suggest that you try to find times to let it out as you did. You said it helped to go really cry. Ok. So try to find places/times to have those cathartic cries on your own.
I'd also suggest, hard as it is, that whatever detachment you had going from him when you were GALing, that you try to maintain that level of detachment NOW even in piecing. As in, don't get sucked into his vortex of "I'm sad" or "what have I done" or "you're punishing me not being here."
His script is different, but it's still script, is it not?
It's good if he is willing to do the Retrouvaille thing. Yes. But I guess I have to say that you have to just do your best day by day, try to keep your expectations in check, and not ASSUME that any one thing you do "makes" or "breaks" this marriage for the future.
Maybe you will work this out, but maybe you won't, and maybe if you won't it will because YOU choose to walk. If you accept that that, too, is a possibility, I think you will feel less controlled by someone else's pain or drama and more in control of your own destiny, and what I hear in your anxiety is someone who probably felt a measure of control over her life in GALing who is scared she will lose that control in piecing--or probably this isnt' the only reason you're anxious but it is a part of it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hi Ctflor I've been wondering how you're doing, glad I found you over here. Glad you're getting help for the anxiety. It sounds perfectly understandable to me - if my H broke down crying and wailing about a mistake he'd made that would put me on edge for the rest of the day too. Look at it without all the past summer as context and consider that he might need help dealing with what he's dealing with. I know he didn't like the MC you went to but when he's crying and in pain maybe he should consider trying an IC to help him productively deal with his guilt. He's letting his guilt be an excuse for him to cause you further pain of seeing him in pain, does that make sense? He should get some help and an outlet other than you to vent to.
The porn, your latest comment about it showed a lot of strength in that you were no longer embellishing it with "knowing your history how could he" and you were not equating him with your former H. Can you maybe open a nonthreatening conversation with him at a neutral time about it? What is he looking for in it that he didn't used to need to? Does he remember that you have a very low tolerance for it? Is he willing to give it up completely again, or does he think you should be ok with it? And really listen to his answers, don't use the conversation as a means to the end of eliminating porn. Find out what it means to him.
I also bristled at his comment that your GAL was "punishing" him. You took the summer to learn that you enjoy some personal time, and you need him to work with that without taking it personally. If his needs for quality time with you aren't being met because of how often you're making other plans, then make some dates with him and some dates to be out with friends, and invite his input. He's projecting his need to be punished to assuage his guilt onto you. How about making a commitment to some IC as a better "punishment"!
Good luck Ctflor. Keep well, and try to get more sleep! We are rooting for you and know that the piecing part is hard too.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Strange how, now the storm is calming down... I'm falling apart.
I shouldn't be falling apart, right?
It's not strange at all.
When the storm is raging, that is when our defenses are their strongest.
And...if your husband is showing signs of coming around, wanting to be around you, talking, communicating...well those defenses don't serve you if you are trying to open that door wider. So a few but not all of those defenses should come down, leaving you vulnerable; as you should be.
The other part of why this is not strange.
You have bottled up alot, you have swallowed alot to get here. Pride, hurt, anger, ego...you name it. IT doesn't go away just because you swallowed it, hid it away... You need to find an outlet for it releases. The drive into the woods and letting yourself breakdown seems like a good release.
You'll make it through.
You're too strong not too.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
CTflor, it took time to get to this point. Recovery will take as much or even more time. In this journey, the MLC'er actually is ahead of us in a sense, because they had been hurting even before we were aware of it. When bomb drop happens, our own journey starts. In many of the affair recovery articles I have read, the person who was cheated on has a more difficult time recovering. The anger, the memories, difficulty forgiving - thats all par for the course. ZBoth of you will have to be patient; you have to make it clear to him that you are also on your own journey.
J3B, you are right about the defenses. IN my case, since my sitch has been going on for 17 mos. now, now that I see H struggling to work on the M, I feel so detached and am wondering how I could open up to him without becoming vulnerable again.
The change in the situation is hard to sope with. I have seen other posters say: OMG, my spouse wants to go home. What do I do???? and its not as if that was what they were praying for all the time, but when the actual time comes, it is scary! Untested ground, actually.
For me, I find that being in touch with the people here who have gone through a variety of sitches and stages that we are going through ourselves is so valuable. By carefully listening to what everyone has to say, finding what concepts/ideas resonate with your own and are relevant to your sitch - I have found that I have sort of developed a map of my own to follow.
Sometimes, people post things that may seem offensive, but I have found that usually this happens to me when it is against my own beliefs or what I desire to happen. But sometimes, it is precisely these viewpoints that would shake you up and make you more open to other ways of thinking, which might be precisely what is needed at this point.
Keep your heart and mind open, and work on losing that anger and learning to forgive. Forgiveness, as they say, is actually more for yourself than for him.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Oh by the way, here's food for thought I found when reading posts in the other forum I post in....
Someone said that she thinks of the OW this way:
"if I think of OW as "the devil's tool", then it's not HER doing wrong.... "satan" has exploited HER weakness of character and my husband's weakness of character and been able to sneak in and TAKE THEM OVER to use for evil purposes..... "
I also think of my H's OW this way, and offer a prayer for her to see the right path and for her salvation as well....one canot be angry when one is praying for someone to be saved....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thank you everyone for your replies. I've read through them each a few times. I really do appreciate you and all on this forum.
H and I are in those bumpy beginning stages of piecing, I think. Jack, you really described it best when you said, I've been swallowing a lot, bottling things up to get here. I was thinking of this the other day, and wondering how in the world did I manage to hold it together when he was losing it?
So I'm still going through an assortment of feelings each day. Anger, sadness, wanting to withdraw, and sometimes this horrible fear I can't shake.
I blew up the other day on him. He said something to me in regards to the computer being messed up (windows) and I said, "I could give a #$%$ about the computer and hope it died". He just stood there looking at me... and I said, "At least no one can create fake email addresses and stab you in the back when the computer is dead".
He stood there listening to me, just taking it, but I know I should not be saying things like this. it's not going to help our relationship... but at the same time, I don't know how to hide the pain I'm feeling.
he broke down and cried the other day and told me he was so ashamed of what he had done with the way he had treated me.. and as Antonia put it... I felt numb, disbelieving. he was crying SO much though, I just had to hug him.. it's reactionary... a need to comfort someone. And he said, "Don't comfort me, I don't deserve it".
Aside from this, we have had a some really good talks. We lay down together at night and we just talk... and hold each other. We have had some talks about intimacy and what he has been feeling.. and what he needs and I just listen and validate.
In many ways, we are getting somewhere. We are inching forward, but some days I just feel the emotions flood back and I'm pulled under and falling apart inside.
He told me that losing me would devastate him, and that he never realized how much appreciates me, loves me, and that I'm a good wife to him. He wants his future with me... wants to have more fun, try new things, and go a lot of places.
He seems to be in his own period of adjustment... and he says it's a feeling of shame he has been going through.
On his own he decided to go to church to talk to the rev. for counsel for himself and our marriage. He didn't like the other counselor, but feels comfortable at the church. I'm glad that he is doing what he needs to do... and that it's helping him.
I have continued GAL, but I have stopped using it as a weapon. I think for a time I was sort of using it as a means to make him fearful that I'd walk out. I really had to look at my behavior .... and I was in some ways being that way. I think that part of me wanted him to be afraid of losing me, but this is not right and we had some talks about it. I've helped him understand that the changes he went through, sparked changes in me.
At this time, we both understand that we do not want to go back to the way things were in our relationship that caused problems, but we want to go forward and improve things.
The thing is, we have to know how to do this and to keep it going.
Oh by the way, here's food for thought I found when reading posts in the other forum I post in....
Someone said that she thinks of the OW this way:
"if I think of OW as "the devil's tool", then it's not HER doing wrong.... "satan" has exploited HER weakness of character and my husband's weakness of character and been able to sneak in and TAKE THEM OVER to use for evil purposes..... "
I also think of my H's OW this way, and offer a prayer for her to see the right path and for her salvation as well....one canot be angry when one is praying for someone to be saved....
Angel, I'm having problems letting go of OW. Sometimes, when I'm done with my homework and I'm sitting here alone, I go to her facebook or blog. I look at her photos, and I feel angry, then sad...
I have to find a way to let her go. H has let her go for many weeks now... why can't I let her go?
I just see ow as a symptom of a big problem that was going on in our marriage.. and h has related his MLC as being part of his interest in her.
