So, absolutely a fair question ... and one I don’t mind answering honestly.
Truthfully .... no. These feelings started long before I met my BF (or the guy I dated briefly before I met my BF for that matter).
Let me expand on my musings...
I loved my husband very much. All I knew ... by example and by practise though, was co-dependance. I am an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic). We met as 20 year olds and instantly enjoyed each others company, we were friends who had a great sexual chemistry. We never had the WOW, romantic, head-over-heels-in-love experience. My stbxH needed someone to manage his life - he was conflict avoidant and directionless .... me? Well I needed someone to manage ... we were perfectly matched in our dysfunction. It worked well (for me) for a long time ... and honestly that’s mainly to his credit (for the short-term results). I was happy, content and loved my life. My stbxH was happy for a while too. Quite happy and for quite a while. But not managing his own life took a toll on his male ego - unbeknownst to him for quite a while. He was litterally unable to voice an opinion that was in disagreement (and no, I wouldn’t have made it easy ... I am after all a recovering control freak!) with someone ... and when he tried he lacked the ability to stand firm and get past the conflict without backing down. In his mind he had valid reasons for being that way (also an ACOA but a much different upbringing - verbally abusive, scary etc) and I was just bossy. LOL. It wore on him ... but he was a very committed person, raised catholic with old fashioned values and he made a conscious choice to stay and make it work. He didn’t share any of this with me. And it continued to eat away at him.
Anyway ... after my initial blind-siding and then my subsequent blind-siding when I discovered OW ... I resisted healing. I sought attention, affection and validation and I found it. I claimed to be over him but knew deep down that if he had knocked on that door ... I would have opened it. At that point, I’m not sure if I wanted him back because I truly loved him and believed we should be together ... or if it was because my self esteem was still in the toilet and I wanted to undo the rejection. I continued to see my IC, continued to post, talked to some of you off board .... and then I got dumped again. And THEN I really started to look ... albeit hesitantly (ok, ok ... I went into the mirror kicking and screaming sometimes!) at myself ...
Who the hell was I anyway? I had already dug out my why’s ... I was very aware of WHAT led me to be the woman I had become. Low self esteem, promiscuous background, control freak etc .... what I didn’t know was who was I now. What did I want for me? What mattered to me? What were my boundaries? Besides being mom, stbxW, daughter, sister .... who was I? What parts of the old PEI were valid and real parts of my personality that I needed to embrace ... what parts of the new PEI were created out of fear and shame and needed to be shed? What hybrid version of me was going to step forward and claim my life?
I’m still a work in progress - ever changing and evolving. I do know what matters to me now ... and I also know what to let go of. I work hard to remember to let go of the uncontrollables and live for today (with help and reminders from good friends sometimes!). I value the people in my life and the relationships I have with them. I’m an amazing mom and a great friend. I love to socialize and need people (in TAMF’s words I too am a SCREAMING extrovert). I have also learned to self sooth and enjoy my alone time, although it’s much more difficult. I like to plan, and know what’s coming. But I’m learning to be spontanious and enjoy the unexpected sometimes. I like risk ... if it’s calculated. I hate heights - so now I want to try an ariel obstable course next spring. The new me challenges myself to be more, be stronger, be honest, be real. I own my mistakes and try to learn from them. I hate the status quo. The phrase “because we’ve always done it that way” makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I’m impatient. I hold grudges (but not for long anymore!). I’m no Martha Stewart! I’d rather have a beer and pizza with friends then run on a treadmill or lift weights. I hate winter (and I live in Canada ... duh!) but I love fall. I love with everything I have and I that leaves me vulnerable. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. I truly believe in love and romance. I’m competative and passionate.
So what does this have to do with the question at hand I’m sure some of you are wondering ...
Well, stbxH and I really aren’t all that compatable ... we have different dreams, goals and desires. We communicate differently, love differently, fight differently. We have different definitions of parenting, family, love and committment. And we always did. We just didn’t know it. We only talked about that stuff on the surface ... thought we were on the same page, but now I’ve discovered we were reading out of different books. So all of this begs the question “could we have made it work?” and the answer is “Absolutely.” It would have taken work and many compromises along the way but we could have been content and we wouldn’t have known the difference. But that’s not the hand I was dealt. We do know differently now, or at least I do, and I won’t settle for less. I know what I have to offer as a partner and I know what I want in a partner. Alone is better than settling any day. Took me a long time to believe that, but I do now. That was where I got before I met my BF.
I don’t miss my stbxH ... and yes, I will admit that is probably partly related to the existence of the BF and new love ... however, even if I was alone, it would be male presence I would miss not my ex specifically.
Jeepers ... some things never change ... I’m still longwinded!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
