Maybe I am having a particularly weak moment right now, but it all seems so bleak – she has shown no signs of wanting to work on R or reconcile at all. I am doing my best to stay positive, hopeful and take care of myself – but it is becoming increasingly difficult in the absence of any kind of positive response from W.
Given the lack of contact and communication that we have, I am doing LRT/going dark on nothing but blind faith and the hope that it might be effective. It seems like “going dark” is exactly what she wants me to do right now – seems like she could care less if she hears from me or not. In fact, I would go as far as to say she would prefer not to see me at all at this point. It is as if she has no memory of anything GOOD between us at all and I am the center piece of her discontent. I am merely the father of her son right now.
Need to stay strong and maintain PMA, but I am struggling…..guess I just need encouragement and some belief that my situation is capable of being pulled back from the cliff.
Crimson
Given how you think she feels right now, you know it wouldn't be any more productive to be in her face, pursuing her. You're doing the best thing you can do, keep it up. Not for her but for you. Hang in there!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
[/quote] Given how you think she feels right now, you know it wouldn't be any more productive to be in her face, pursuing her. You're doing the best thing you can do, keep it up. Not for her but for you. Hang in there![/quote]
Thanks, Advina. I appreciate the boost. Having a hard time today - really missing my family and afraid that we're done for.
Sorry, I know. Just keep doing the next "best thing". Take care of yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
How do you maneuver your way through a custody disagreement and remain "friendly"? It got tense today, heard from her lawyer with her proposal that would basically give me about four or five fewer days each month. This is opposed to mine that divides the time in half.
Her initial rejection of my proposal was that it had too many exchanges in one week. Then I built a table in Excel that showed that her proposal and mine had the EXACT same number of exchanges. Once that objection was overcome, she moved on to "that would be six nights away and I absolutely will not do that!". So I brought to her attention that it was actually FIVE nights away and that BOTH of us had that so it was perfectly equal. She never responded. I feel like she will oppose my proposal no matter what. The sad part is, now this is all flowing through lawyers so it is costing what? $400 and hour on each side to settle on something that is just math?
This D was her decision, I fought it and continue to do so quietly through DBing. So whether I like it or not, I am having a MINIMUM of 50% of my time stripped away from me against my will if she insists on seeing this thing through to the end. I am not giving up more than that.
It seems she does not want to be fair or rational. I have not been rude, angry or insulting during this skirmish. I have just stuck to facts and have learned to not express my emotions in e-mail or text, and we certainly are not on the phone with each other.
How do i keep her from getting even angrier at me without backing down on this issue?
You can't "keep her from" anything. If it's a hill you're willing to die on, leave it to your L to respond to her L that <50% is unacceptable and let her come up with a new alternative.
But don't stand on principle and give the L's all that extra money if it's something you really could live with.
My L, who granted isn't a fight to the death get everything you can kinda guy, told me this: "The goal is not just to settle but to settle fast...legal fees will eat up your assets and you end up just as divorced...go for a C rather than an A+. For child custody, try to minimize drama and transitions. Orders can be modified based on changing circumstances. Custody battles ruin kids, I could give you horror stories. Don't get anal about sticking to the court order, be reasonable and compromise when needed - within limits though, you can't lurch back after consistent leniency." Just a few thoughts from another party, may or may not be helpful, and may or may not be what you believe, just advice from someone who also served 25 years as a guardian ad litem.
Good job staying businesslike about this. Letting yourself get worked up emotionally will not help you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks, Adinva. I appreciate your insight on this matter and will heed your advice. I don't want it to be a hill that I die on, but I also don't want to settle for less than 50% - which she is clearly trying to get me to do. She also would have him every Friday night and Saturday morning with him - giving him to me at 9:00 AM. Can't live with that.
You know, more than anything I think it is the psychological aspect of this that pains me the most. If I step outside of myself and look at this as an observer I can't believe that I am in a postion where I am battling my W for time with my 19 month old son. If you would have told me this was going to be the case 4 months ago I would have called you a liar. I am in awe that suddenly the woman I have loved for 8 years is now an adversary in many respects. It's hard to grasp.
Question of the day for me:
Anyone have and idea how to communicate when there is little to no communication? Odd question, but I see in threads how spouses are able to establish a friendship on some level at some point. My W only wants to discuss matters pertaining to our son and the S/D - and those are brief, fact-based discussions. I don't want more distance wedged between us (though I am 100% giving her space/time as per LRT) but I fear that if we go for weeks, months without speaking as "people" - we will never really be at a place to repair (though I am a one-man tango right now). Can this stage last forever?
Crimson, FWIW, my experience has been that the amount of "friendliness" between W and I is directly proportional to how much space she perceives me giving her. But note that it is how she perceives, not how much I think I am giving her.
So there were times I thought I was giving her space, and I was, but I would do things that told her I was still holding on. Being weepy, sad, withdrawn, etc... And because it's based on her perception it's not controllable. For example, she has been wanting to discuss D stuff, child custody, moving, and asset division, etc... But I think she was afraid that discussing it with me and working on it would turn me into a blubbering ball of tears. This would in turn trigger her guilt, which makes her feel bad, which makes her angry at me for making her feel bad and not validating her feelings... however, nowhere in there did I actually do that, it was just a mental construct.
But once she got it out there and I showed I could handle the conversation in an adult manner and was willing to participate (not help, but not hinder either) we have returned to our "friends" status quo. She even told her sister that I'm dealing with it better and accepting it. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but at least she thinks so
So what does all this mean? If you're giving her space, give her more. I think it was Oldtimer who posted on my thread that perhaps I've been giving my wife all the space I think she needs, but not all the space she wants. So I redoubled my space giving and took an honest look to see where I've backslid a bit on DBing and creeping back in.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Thanks, WHG. Good advice. Seeing how she has established her own residence and I don't really reach out to her for anything I can't figure how much more space I can give her. Of course, I could cave on the whole custody issue and that would propbably help with "space", but I am not willing to do that.
Over the last week or two she had been periodically asking for certain things from the house (noted in previous posts) - reaching out to me, but for her own interests. I asked her to stop. I think that was the right thing.
Just hope that in time she will cool off a bit and be open to slowly learning to communicate.
In a negotiation look for what the other side is motivated by and seek to give it to them. Both must save face, both must get what they want, for it to be a success.
You don't win a negotiation by beating the other side over the head with your terms. In that event it just becomes a game of chicken over who's willing to give more money to the lawyers.
So try again to see if you can limit the number of transitions and not exceed, what was it, 5 days she was willing to go but not 6? Show good faith that you're working with her while not giving up on the 50%. And demonstrate that you're being reasonable. Good luck getting an older kid up and out before 9am on a Saturday without the kid resenting the heck out of you. But I digress. Use smart negotiating techniques to find a solution you both think is best.
I know this disregards the fact that you're both mad at each other and both think the other is being difficult. That's on purpose. Those are unproductive to your goal.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It's odd, I am trying to cater to what is motivating her. She complained about the number of transitions and I showed her how they were both the same. She complained about 6 nights away and I showed her that it was actually 5 - and we BOTH get 5. As I've said before, she keeps moving the goal post on me, despite showing signs of good faith that her concerns are being addressed and resolved. One of her complaints about me was that everything had to be my way all the time (which I don't believe is true). This would be a great time to 180, but is it worth it of it costs me time with my son?
