Living with groundlessness

[AJM]

So, um, Antonia. Now you do "get it" that it's not you right?

He does the work of God? Is he a priest or an axe murderer? Seriously. What is it he does again?

He has some issues Antonia. You cannot fix them and you know that. This seems to reinforce that.

And for my money, the anger at the OW? Not really warranted and at some point in the not too distant future you will need to see that she is not to blame and likely you will want to thank the "her" that he ran to for taking him and helping him to survive. I know that sounds weird. But he set you free. Albeit against your wishes, but free just the same. Free from the spew. Free from his lunacy.

I have a friend of mine that went through divorce 20+ years ago. Her ex told her he was the second coming at one point.

She has been a great friend and mentor for me. She has 3 kids and was married for 20+ at the time.

Some people are nuts. Some people are cowards. Some people will sacrifice you for themselves and we call that person weak. Broken.

But he has to travel his path on his own. He chose to do what he did. If it wasn't the current OW, it would have been a different one. I've seen it first hand.

I choose too. I choose to let go and remember that this is a person I once loved deeply. I choose to hope my ex does very well and doesn't look back because I choose to believe that is what she needs in her life. I choose to believe that my God has everything in control and things will be as they are supposed to be. But I don't put blame on the OM. I have a few times, and would still take my anger out on him (physically) if that was an opportunity I ran across. But I'd feel bad later

My $0.04 anyway (inflation..)

AJ

[AntoniaB]

AJ that made me laugh, the part about priest or ax murderer, and I think everything you said is on the money and I will try to focus on this and not my own stupid pining for a person who either no longer exists or who was hiding his true self....

He's a 9th grade science teacher, btw :-)

"God's work" came from this: years ago, when my mom (ever the optimist and a 30 plus year teacher and school principal) would talk with him and me about teaching, and he would get riled up and say to her that HE was doing God's work and she wasn't, as she was a principal who could kick kids out if they were too big a problem as she ran a Catholic school, but since he was the "lowly public school teacher", he had to take them all. I thought it was pretty out there that he'd throw that comment in my face today, seeing that I teach students who get rejected from every other college and we bend over backwards to keep them. AND I'm at a methodist college. Bottom line is that his parents are the real culprits here in this part of his self-esteem. They NEVER respected what he did for a living. They would only say things like, "You have a lotta blacks?" (because they are racist!) His mom used to say that he wasted his looks being a teacher and should have taken his degree and done meteorology so he could be on tv...or, worse yet, be on a soap opera. Yep. That was her goal for him....which is why OW's former Miss DE title probably impresses the heck out of mom...but I digress.

Yeah, he has serious issues of inferiority, and defensiveness, and the whole 9 yards. I do keep telling myself that OW took this lunacy from me. I don't doubt he hides it from her as he hid it from me for so long.

It just stinks to know that you can't help someone find a better life. Look at all the crap I've been through, all he put me through, and I still came out more positive or hopeful.

Funny thing...I had a falling out with a very close girlfriend back in March. I disagreed with her, she disagreed back, I "fronted", she called my bluff, we ceased our friendship.

Yesterday 4 separate things made me think of her. She is also a teacher, but a brand new one fresh out of school. I wrote to her last night and I apologized and I asked if we could patch things up.

We have.

In the course of talking to her, I found that in her new job doing exactly what he does, she has drug addicts, prostitutes, the homeless, in and out of jail for robbery, etc. She is in a much worse district than XH.

Is she complaining saying she's doing "god's work"? Nope. She is trying every day to come up with new stuff, to do whatever good she can. She is oblivious to the administration as she is so focused on the kids.

And you know, what's the first thing she did when we reconciled, but run stuff by me and ask for advice or feedback.

What a contrast!

[adinva]

You are putting time and thought into reading and analyzing his spew. Ever just consider deleting his emails without opening them? If he really needs an answer on something he'll probably call after a while.

[PEI]

But I'd feel bad later

Much, much, MUCH later ...



PEI

[AntoniaB]

adinva, yes, I'd def. not read his spew/never open the emails. This came out of nowhere, really. We have been on speaking terms and cordial/friendly since late August, and when we buried our cat together weeks ago we spoke for about 3-4 hours about our marriage/us/what went wrong/etc., and in the course of that time he told me he'd always love me, he cried about missing me because I'm his best friend, told me he had me in his head all the time and that that created conflict and challenges for him in his rel. with OW, AND....I saw that he was still deeply in MLC. But in any case, we were on such positive terms in the past month especially with this almost cameraderie and openness and a sort of acceptance that it was ok we weren't together that the spewing just blindsided me. It's the first I've seen this since like, month 3 or 4 of him leaving, and his explanation for why he did it then was "to get me to hate him so I'd end things because that was easier."

Oh wait.

Maybe it bugs him that we were getting along--it made him even more conflicted over OW--and so he's throwing out the spew again.

Whoops I just analyzed him again ;-)

Old habits...

Anyway, there is a major part of me that was hoping he and I could just have this cordial sort of friendship from a big distance, but I don't think he's capable of that. So I'm back to NC and I think he'll stay quiet himself rather than start any more conversation.

What's interesting is that our legal issues wrapped up 2 weeks ago, and there is literally ZERO reason for him to ever have any contact with me again. So we'll see how long that lasts. It has never lasted more than 5 weeks before he found a reason.

[Kimmerz]

Anotonia and Punkin,
I was just thinking the same thoughts last night and of course over the last several months.

I am a fixer, I take action, I strive to problem solve. This was appreciated by my husband at one time, but now it's turned into me having control issues and me making him feel stupid every time we talk.

I too am the " go to " person in my friendships, and even at work with co workers about many things. They appreciate my point of view and my perspective of things. I've been this way all my life, even as a kid. I've always looked at " the big picture" of things when considering what ever issues lie ahead of me. yet I apply this to my own marriage and all I get is rejectcion, projection, resistance and refusal to listen.... basically a train wreck.

Why is it that if we posess this wondeful type of trait, and that we do such good with it in helping others, why does it create a train wreck in our marriages?

I don't get it! LOL!

I just agree with AJM. It's really not us, is it?

I guess what's so ironic is that one of the biggest things we were loved for, are now what makes them run?

And to be completely frank, I see that I feel the same way about stbx too. I really liked his quiet and sweet side. But it turned into stone cold silence. I know to him he loved my extroverted personality, and direct approaches to life. But then again what used to be fun about it turned into a buzkill because it turned into always bringing up responsibilities and things being too serious for him.

Funny thing is, if you look at the big picture, those traits in a person are actually qualities that can work for the relationship. Maybe Im on the spot and seem controlling, but to me Im responsible, making sure bills get paid, kids get fed, groceries on the table, etc. Maybe he was too quiet, but boy did I learn to appreciate someone not nagging the heck out of me after a long day of dealing with needy people at work.

just a ramble.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It's a good ramble.

but to me...

That's part of the problem.
But to you...isn't how the world see you. It's how you see you.

Do you need to change?

That's for you to determine.

With most...controllers (not saying you're one of them : ) )
with most controllers i.e. the responsible ones, the rally cry is:

"Well someone has to be."

And they almost say it as a martyr stick. Like...if it wasn't them...they'd be having fun, but since no one else is doing it...they have to.

Funny thing...most controllers...don't liek the way other people end up doing 'their' job. : )

Something to think about.

[AntoniaB]

Kimmerz...spot on!

you said this:

"I too am the " go to " person in my friendships, and even at work with co workers about many things. They appreciate my point of view and my perspective of things. I've been this way all my life, even as a kid. I've always looked at " the big picture" of things when considering what ever issues lie ahead of me. yet I apply this to my own marriage and all I get is rejectcion, projection, resistance and refusal to listen.... basically a train wreck."

See, ME TOO. If being the "go to" person works exceedingly well with everyone else in my life (and there are different levels of being the go to person, of course) and this is what other people expect or like me to be like and I'm "good" at it, but my ex now despises it after 23 years of seeming to WANT me to be that way (because of course it absolved him of so many responsibilities), then how do I know whether I'm supposed to "change" this about me or not?

Here's the only clue I have to this: the people in my life who have always been closest to me have said that I was a control freak when I was with XH and I was very intolerant and pushy and cynical. Those same people say I am not like that at all anymore, and if I am, I catch it and stop it asap, and that I am the best person I've ever been now that we are divorced.

I guess if I have to hedge my bets I'm siding with the non-MLC crowd?

I do think to give XH some benefit of the doubt that he does not know how to process me being so different. First he called me "mystical" and made a joke out of my GAL type changes, and then he reverted to old behavior and accused me of things I might have done in the past but not done this time. I think he just doesn't believe I'm really different and thinks it's an act, and considering that we have only seen each other maybe 7 times in the past 17 months and had very limited email interaction, it makes sense why he wouldn't believe me. He isn't around me enough to see it's real.

But in the end, the only people that my GALing matters to are ME, of course, and the people who are actively in my life, and he's just not one of them, so I'm not losing any more sleep over him.

[Kimmerz]

Ok Jack, Im completely speechless when you say stuff like that.

Im not clear if you're stating that simply to other people that would come across as the "controlling type" or that you're saying that I am a control freak because I choose to do those sort of things.

I must say that my rally cry was not that for a long time. Many of the responsibilites I took on when I became a stay at home mom. I was at home all the time, and husband had to work, so let me to this! I enjoyed it and was supported by husband in all I did. We still discussed finances, planned, and worked together on things, but I did the foot work. This was ok with me.

Somewhere along the lines something went awry and I still am not sure why. I think what happened is when I started doing daycare in my home it really stressed me out and the entire household. I was under so much pressure to not only keep the homefires burning but also had a family of 3 children in my home that were very difficult. I know by the end of the day I was stressed and little time to decompress. When im stressed out, I do come across as mega controlling. So what used to be a joy, turned into a chore. What I used to be able to pace myself in, I had to cram into small time frames. Lots of pressure. Then on top of that there was death in the family, my husband injured and lost his job for 9 months, huge financial loss because of that, then jobs in opposite directions... yes it was mommy madness and then some.

So I guess to my husband he saw this as a reason to just get fed up and give up. I think all he saw was someone that was just a bitch. As to why I was a bitch, I don't think he cared why I changed he just didn't like me. Because he no longer liked me, he no longer cared enough to make an effort to connect with me.

So he chose to disconnect and play his video game 18 hours a day.

[AntoniaB]

Kimmerz don't start taking all the blame for "controlling" behavior...we all do the best in the situation with what we have and know and with what our exes expect of us too.

My XH and I made every financial decision together verbally, but I had to be the one to do the legwork too. The only time in his life when he had to handle all that "adult" stuff was during the divorce, and it took him 5 months just to take the papers to file for divorce to the courthouse. All he had to do was print them out from the govt website and drop them off with a check. For 6 months, the final piece of the settlement was that money had to move from my retirement acct to his. When the ball was in my court, he contacted me every other week to say "why hasn't anything happened yet" even though I had taken care of it and legal things "take time." When the ball was in HIS court, and all he had to do was to sign the final papers that were mailed to him and the money would be transferred, he didn't do it. FOR THREE PLUS MONTHS. When I saw him in person I said "look I don't know why the money isn't moving." He said "I know why. I never signed the papers." I said "good lord, why??" He just said "I don't know, I see the papers on my desk and I never seem to find time to sign them and mail them."

Some guys want a mom. I'm sure some ladies want a "dad." It isn't your fault.

Now that I'm not with XH, the ONLY thing he has to be responsible for is going to work, and that gets to him. I can't imagine being 45 and not even wanting to have a house if I could afford it. He has the money! He has enough cash from our settlement to put about 50% down on a nice home. But he wants to live like a college student. Forever.

Some of us grow out of that phase. I like to "visit" being a college student with friends once in awhile, but I don't want to live there!