Journaling- I can't believe how thoughtful, caring, and loving my w can be with so many people but when it comes to me she is not very capable (at least at this moment in time). This has been tugging at me lately and is causing anger, frustration, etc.. We are still in each other's lives daily and I am still having trouble balancing the detaching against improving our communication which has occured since the b.
I think I need to do a better job of keeping track of the results of my DB techniques. I mean she does realize that if we get to a D that things are not going to be so sweet and our daily interactions will most certainly decrease, right? Sure we could be friends but I am going to want someone more than that I imagine.
I can completely relate to this and was struggling with it last night. It is so frustrating to hear a different tone and facial expressions from my H. It's not all of the time, and I never know when it is coming.
Good idea to track the results of your DB techniques.
hello say, Thank you for posting on my site. Reading back over your sitch, it appears very similar to mine, many of the same issues, the fact that w and I were very amicable about our interactions, have remained so, even though she is 600 miles away now.
Looks like you are doing agood job of dbing, galing, etc. You are staying civil to her, which, I firmly believe, will bring dividends in the future, dont know what form, but dividends to be sure.
I will continue to read your sitch, have a great day!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Hi Say, I just got caught up on your situation. I think you are doing a good job of making changes, and for the right reasons. You are working on becoming your best possible self. If you are making the changes for you, it will make it more likely the changes will stick. If they don't benefit you in your relationship with your W, it's likely they will benefit you in a future relationship.
It seems like you are getting good advice here, too. Before making some of those financial decisions, it may be best to at least burn a free consultation session with a L, just to be sure everything is copesthetic with what your W is asking you to do. Like the others said, don't tell your W about it, you're only going to do research and gather information.
Keeping track of your DB results is one of the most important things. You can really see what worked and what didnt and when. Timing is everything so maybe something didnt work in the past but may work now.
It seems like the holidays would be a hard time to start to go dim and it may be taken even more negatively by her given the time of year. Maybe try not to see her everyday. I would experiment with mystery or telling specifically what activity you are up to. Watch her reaction, subtle body language, let her tell you which one works on her.
I know this MB really emphasizing getting off the phone first with the WAS. The one time I did this with my H he was so annoyed with me, it was not good. Do what works with your WAS. You need to track and experiment with different techniques.
Keep it uP
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I would like to offer a suggestion. These calendars that are monthly planners, or those that have enough space by the number/date, then you can see the view of month at a glance. You can make notations by each day. You could even have your own icon to put by the day when you don't have much to write.
You might begin to see how moods may be affected when approaching certain events. I believe you could learn simply by looking at your calendar as your "Game Book" and see what DB technique worked, or the 180 used. Then the next time, you know to have a different play during this game. (Sorry, I'm not very knowledgeable about sports terms, but hopefully you'll see what I'm getting at here.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the feeback all, I greatly appreciate it. I like the calendar idea and will try to incorporate that.
However, now I am confused as to what exactly I'm looking for in trying new techniques. Better emotional connection with w or just the simple fact of her noticing changes (which her reaction could be positive or negative)?? My goal is to bring her closer and see the new me and want to be with the new me because SHE wants to so should I look for subtle signs of her becoming curious about my life/changes or signs of her moving towards me?
I think I'm in overanalyze mode. Thanks again all!!
The calendar is a good way to map out what works and what doesn't.
That being said, you need to take your focus off her and put it on yourself. That doesn't mean being completely selfish and rude.
It means, she has made herself clear. You can be willing to listen if she wants to talk. it's really easy for the new you to fall back into old patterns if you don't focus and put energy into it.
Yes, you are overanalyzing it. It took me along time to stop doing that and I had to employ some behavioral modification techniques to get it under control (ie: thick rubberband that I would snap on my wrist).
Looking for every little sign will make you crazy.
So I don't recall my w pushing my buttons for about a month or so now or maybe because I was in a better frame of mind and just focusing on myself and not concerning myself w/ what she says or does.
But tonight I get home from the grocery store and she is cooking dinner and she says she is going to do something while I put the groceries away. I say I can do that if she would like to put the groceries away (she has always liked to do this and keep things organized in her way which I could care less about). She says no and then makes a comment that she can't "micro-manage" my life anymore and she also said she gets irritated when she comes back and sees that things are out of place and she needs to relinquish control of these things. All I said was ohhhh kayyy and didn't make any further comment but it really got under my skin.
She has been out of the house for 4 months and I've been doing an unbelievable job keeping things in order and their is absolutely no way she doesn't see that but it felt like a body blow when she hit me with that one. I know she is having a difficult time right now with various things so I am going to not try to take it personally but it really pissed me off.
OK, roller coaster in full effect. W goes home and I text her thanks for cleaning up kids mess (180 for me I believe as I didn't let her earlier comment get me into a argument/discussion or shut down and not communicate with her which is what I've done in the past if I was angry) and she texts back thanks for being such a wonderful dad.
I haven't heard anything like this in a while and although I appreciated it and said "that is sweet, thank you" I have been mind reading and analyzing this to see if its a good sign about her noticing I'm becoming a better man or if I should just take it at face value and maybe it means nothing as far as our relationship goes. And then I am fearful that she thinks us being seperated is working out better than when she was living here.
I will keep being the best father/man I can be regardless of what she thinks but I still am concerned/curious as to what's going on in that troubled mind of hers??
