Don't have time to really reply now. But you are getting good advice and doing well with a crazy situation. Truly.
Two thoughts. One is what I read this morning about parasites.
"it's really bad when a parasite kills its' host"...and the OW may end up killing the love both men have for her and she may lose them AND all her kids.
Second thought--I feel bad about the other kids getting nothing if the d is getting a lot. First, why can't your h give her presents she uses at your place only? So the other siblings don't have it in their faces that she's getting stuff b/c she has a different dad..how crazy and sick.
and or, maybe he could give them a "group" gift. it doesn't matter if it makes OW happy or sad. Just about other kids not resenting the baby.
Just a thought...
good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
....and Abbey has any control over this...how? Just a question.
pardon me maybe I misread. I thought her h was discussing Christmas gifts with her, had vacillated, and that she was upset. She doesn't have to DO anything but perhaps see it differently.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ahhh....I'd stay out of the Christmas gift thing. Neither help nor hinder, but don't sway him one way or the other. Be interesting to see what the H does with it....and then how it plays out. He needs to know what these situations would be like.
25mlc- I understand you feel bad for the other kids, but I see this about Abbey and her M. AND she doesn't have any control over what they do or don't get for Christmas.
Hope I'm making sense, but my MO would be to let this play out.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
About the Christmas gifts... because her H still isn't aware that my H is around...he supposes that it's not a good idea to rock that boat... yet. So I affirmed with: well next year might be different, but this year, because she hasn't told him yet not somewhere I'd go yet. My opinion is: That puts a potential huge fight in the path of these kids Christmas. (I have a big huge problem with ingraining in their heads a huge blow out by their parents... esp at Christmas.)
His further comment about "next year" is that he is going to see a lawyer still. He asks my opinion again... and then he comes out with this: Do I let this get nasty? I ask... how? Well, give her an ultimatum... she tells her H by such and such a date, or I let the courts deal with it. I said, I don't know. There are pluses and minuses to that kind of threat. You want more access to your daughter, BUT... you threaten lawyers, she'll pitch one of her tantrums. He said... she's MY daughter.
The parasite has this down pretty well. Her H goes and stays with the children, so she can go do whatever she wants. (He works shifts). THEN she can go hang out with MY H. Special eh? When I'm out of the way - she'll figure having both of them to pull around by the nose. Thus, why I suspect she's not going to be too eager to tell her H about this new development. He's not likely to be as cooperative about being a "baby sitter" while she's out sleazing around with another man. Hmmm.
H and I had a very emotional convo last night. He still contends he's in love with her, but that she's not interested in him. Yeah... right. She's interested in his bank account. She's already talked him into buying concert tickets for her 13 yr old daughter.
More later.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
H's daughter is sick with diarrhea . She calls him in a panic, go pick her up from daycare. OW doesn't get home til 6 pm. This is at noon.
Says, well I can bring her back to our home, put her to bed. NOPE. Bring her to your house. NOPE. (her H might show up there... wouldn't want to ruin the nice little snow job she's got going on him). She wants him to drive her around until she gets there. She says she's leaving early. Might even get their the same time as he does.
WHY then does he have to go pick her up? Or why does she have to leave her 2 day old job when H is quite capable of taking her here, cuddling up with her on the couch and watching toons?
Stupid drama queen would rather use her child to power play people than to make her comfortable.
What the hell does she think we're going to do with her,... BBQ and eat her?
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
This btw, was after a very emotional convo I mentioned from last night. He STILL wants to have sole custody of his daughter. He professes to love this OW, but would take away custody?
He confessed some stuff to me last night that makes it very clear that the only chance that child has of having a decent happy family life... is with him... and ME. But he also confessed that he doesn't deserve me... that he screwed up and hurt me, and he thinks that asking that of me is too much. Said I deserved better than him.
Promptly told him... I made that promise to you 8 weeks into this pregnancy. Nothing has changed for me now. Other than more resolve to have her with us full time.
He called me his angel... again. H Said, I need to do this my way and then hugged me, kissed me and said: This is going to be a very long year, you realize I have to spend more time with her in order to spend time with my daughter.
I said, you think she doesn't want a relationship with you... I'm telling you she wants more... all of you...her other kids, your daughter AND you...to live happily ever after. H: No F'G way. I have no intention of living with her, or her other kids. I reiterated: You ARE playing with fire, you realize.
He cuddled up with me when we went to bed, and fell asleep in each other's arms.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I'm still amazed at how definitively he can convince himself of something that simply is NOT TRUE.
I've asked my T to ask her group of like minded folks for input, because I'm at a loss at why he does this. How he can convince himself of such insanely inaccurate notions and beliefs.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
