wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Sad_but_happy]25, Please stop telling me what DB is and is not.

Just yes, my advice is part DB and part SBH. Just as yours is part DB and part 25.

Trust me when I tell you that I understand your position. You feel there should be no ultimatums because you were the one that cheated. You were the one that went outside your marriage. So you empathize with the person that has a PA or EA. I do not.

You are mistaken. Read my signature. I did not have an affair. 5-7 years ago my h went on a trek/journey, to which his family and I were not invited.

But YES I do empathize with a woman who is lonely in her m. 20 years ago I CONSIDERED having an affair, but I ruled it out. I said to you that in your eyes, it seems it would be morally the same as if an affair had occured, based on how you kept harping about how your wife was so "WRONG WRONG WRONG!!" to have had what you called an EA. (Yes you put it in caps and bold and ended with many exclamations.)

I worked out my internal conflict before it hurt my m, with the aid of a great chaplain and a relatively worthless shrink. I learned a lot about myself including being less judgemental and not seeing things in black and white so much.

But I did all that without my h shaming me or "exposing me" and I told you then, that had he tried to do that, I'd have left him.

So before you hurl rocks, get your facts straight.

If I have you pegged right, you'll want to keep arguing HERE, on Jake's thread. Instead, why not get your own?

THen you can invite people there to fight with you.



You talk often about "not keeping score". Well I DO believe that a spouse is MORE wrong when they go outside the marriage.
Because both spouses contributed to the demise of the marriage pre affair. Both did wrong. Both were at fault. But only one took the next step and committed the ultimate betrayl. Only one decided to sneak and lie and cheat.

Now, you can call me angry or bitter or unforgiving or "a score keeper". But I tell you that I am none of those.

I am a person that believes that an affair is wrong and nearly unforgivable in a M. Yes 25, sleeping with another person is MORE WRONG and MORE HURTFUL than not picking up your socks for three years.

And please tell me where in DB it says the allow your S to cheat right in front of your eyes. Laying boundaries is the very foundation of DB. My boundary is no tollerance to a cheating spouse. And you take offence to that because you were a cheating spouse.


I was NOT a "cheating spouse". And For God's sake, SBH, I also never suggested DBing says to allow or enable "cheating in front of your eyes".

I'm amazed at how you twist what others say even when our words are written.

Read with objectivity, and react to what is said, not what you fear.

Maybe if you read what I said earlier about my experience, or just my signature blcok, you would not keep saying I went outside my marriage. That's a lie, and an insult.

You warped what I wrote so much, that I can only imagine how it would be to discuss things with you in person.


You extremize what someone who disagrees with you says. You cannot simply disagree. You bludgeon with your opinion, toss out insults in "public" and yes, that does offend me.

I think you are a bully SBH. You surely don't sound like a happy forgiving man.

You have lied to me about me, twice now.

Jake, good luck. I'm not abandoning, but I don't like getting sucker punched by an abusive person. I don't need this.

And Jake, You really do sound mostly like an honorable man trying to do what's right. I happen to believe with all her flaws, your w wants to do the right thing too,

(if you do reconcile, try very hard not to assume the worst of her or her motives, and believe me, your r will improve)....

But she's been lonely as heck, and per you, pretty neglected. Maybe she doesn't see another way out.

Show her that way out Jake...