Ever since I found out that h was looking at porn again, I feel like I snapped inside, in a bad way. As I mentioned in the other thread about this, my first marriage was with a man that was addicted to it, and it led to affairs and eventually physical abuse. When I got with my current h, he knew about this and way before we married he agreed... no porn in our lives.

I went out alone tonight, attempting to go for a drive alone. I have optic neuritis and should not be driving. But I was upset and wanted to be alone, and didn't want to call someone to come and get me. I drove down the road to a large park in the middle of the woods and sat and cried. I felt like I released a ton of stuff.. and started thinking about what I was really upset about.

Am I upset about the porn again, or am I still upset about the ow?

It's really more about the ow. I mean, I guess some casual porn looking doesn't compare to the last summer of hell. I don't know. Maybe I'm just swinging back and forth from one extreme to the other, but the porn surfacing again ... has brought on some bad anxiety attacks, and I have had moments throughout the day where I felt like I was losing it, as if everything was spinning out of control and I couldn't breathe.

I decided to go to the doctor and talk to her about medication. I can't take some anti depressants, because they may aggravate my MS symptoms, so she put me on a low dose of xanax. I have been on xanax in the past and went off of it. I didn't really want to go back on it but I can't stand going day to day feeling like I'm falling into the abyss.

How did I get through last summer without the meds? How did I do it on a day to day basis?

Strange how, now the storm is calming down... I'm falling apart.

I shouldn't be falling apart, right?

My h and I were packing boxes and we came across an old movie we had made when we first moved in together. He broke down crying, sobbing and he said, "I made such a big mistake. I can't believe I hurt you like this. What in the hell was wrong with me?" and he got on his knees and couldn't stop crying. I felt horrible seeing him in this much pain. I can't say I have been really nice to him lately.... I haven't. I've been angry inside. But the anger melted away and suddenly I wanted to take his pain away. But I knew I couldn't do that, so I sat there just listening to him.

He repeated to me a few times, how he made a fool of himself, and how he nearly lost me, and that he never realized how much I loved him until this happened. And then.. he promised me that this would never happen again, and he'd never put me through this nightmare again.

I felt numb listening to him say these things. Inside, I could feel myself recoil. I looked at h and felt as if none of this was real, and that at any moment, he'd wake up and be back in MLC land again.

Then anxiety hit and reeled on for the rest of the day.

I should be calm inside, and I should be happy... why can't I get a grip? he's with me, he's chosen to stay.... but I'm still crumbling inside. It's like he's out of the storm, but I'm still back there in it.

I don't know what to do. But he still talks about going to retrouvaille ... and he has looked up a date where it will be taking place near us when we move, and wants to go.

He also said, he wants to talk to the priest at our old church we used to go to.

Earlier last night he said, "I know you don't believe it, but I feel good again... I know I was depressed but I feel so happy inside again"

I just don't know anything. I'm trying to understand.