wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

25
I did not mean at all for Jake not to keep working on himself, that to me is a given. OM or not, together or divorced Jake has a lot to work on.

That being said he may need to consider some work on co-dependence. Find his own self worth away from his wife.

I get that.

Clearly his W is addicted to the rush sneaking around with OM gives her. Like many drug addicts and alcoholics, Jake needs to be careful not to enable her.

Not sure I buy the "addict" label HERE....she's been caring for a disabled d for years, and working nights and not getting couple time, and Jake had his issues too. I think she wanted an escape and some romance and was lonely in her m. But hey, I don't know her. OR Jake, for that matter. So I'm just speculating. But I think we toss out some labels a bit too often.

Just think about it.


Some addicts hit rock bottom on their own. These are the easy cases.


Jake has chosen to enable in the hopes that she looks at him favorably if and when she hits rock bottom.


Guess we'll have to agree to disagree GB. But we want Jake's family intact and happy.

Accuray

You're right in that Jake can't make his wife face her choices, but he can enable her so she doesn't have to.

Let me ask you this, is there a line to be drawn? Ever? What if she wants OM to move in? Should he tolerate that too?

What if she starts sending him money? That happened to someone here. Should he ignore this too?

GB, I think there's some major projecting here. I mean, sure, IF THIS^^^ happens we can all shriek. But you are doing some signficant futurizing here, and it's all negative. How about seeing the downside of all this vague boundary setting? Or the upsides of his positives OR...

OR be specific. What is it you want him to DO or SAY?


It's up to Jake to decide how much he will tolerate. I do know what it's like to be afraid to let go. So I can empathize.

I think part of your growth has to include examining why you can't let go of what is quickly turning into a dysfunctional relationship.

I know the kids play a huge part of this, and I know I have no good advice for that. All I can say is to stop and think what type of environment you are creating. I keep hearing that kids are smart and they can pick up certain vibes between the parents.

Good luck Jake. You certainly have a variety of opinions to ponder and though that can confuse, it's beneficial too.

Can you hire a DB coach to sort things out? I found them very clarifying.