Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

[adinva]

That's good advice. I think it's the disappointment of hoping that your friends would agree the D is wrong, the S is doing a horrible thing, and you're the injured party and you're doing an admirable job fighting for the right thing.

And what you get instead is "bummer, well you can't help it, move on." And you get the implication that they'll never understand both sides, it takes two, there's probably fault on your side.

I started out feeling ashamed, humiliated, like I had a scarlet letter or something. This has turned out to be a much slower and longer process than I thought and I've told/talked to as few people as possible. No one in my neighborhood knows yet, my kids and parents don't know, and only my friends/family who are discreet and supportive know. I use this message board and my therapist to get out all the anger and hurt and return to more productive activities.

Bottom line is only you know what is right for you, and you need to pick and choose your support so that it helps you meet the goals you chose. You can't control what others think or say so stop worrying about it. Or try to anyway.

[witz10]

Thanks Accuray I have to get DR book.

This weekend was fun being with my kids everyday but my son is starting to ask questions about why I left and for how long. Plus today is my wifes birthday and not celebrating with her. He wanted to know why.

I took advice from here and I got her gift card for itunes. It was hard finding a bday card for her as well and from the kids. Friends were advising me to just get a card from kids. How can I do that? I did have the kids make up some arts and crafts for her and ironically we got our family photos from the photographer on thanksgiving. So I got some pics printed out from that for her and to cut my kids faces out and glue them to the leaf rubbings.
She will like it. I didn't go overboard just thoughtful, like the hand print she gave me from the three of them.

One day at a time.

[MrBond]

Have you read DB? You can't just go on the advice of the people who post to you. You have to read that first or DR to set your path.

[witz10]

I am rereading DB now and it I honestly wish I could get my W to read it as well. It is just so logical and she is being so illogical. Her being a psychologist and in turn being analytical. The first chapter just makes so much sense I wish I could show it to her.

[witz10]

I have to rely on my gut which is telling me that the less contact I have with her at this point will be more beneficial in the long run to our relationship and hopefully working things out.

[MrBond]

Don't rely on your 'gut'. Follow the advice in the DB book. Take notes, remember them and take them to heart. DO NOT show them to your W. She may be a psychologist, but health professionals are the worst ones in diagnosing themselves. Keep that as your personal playbook.

[witz10]

First night with the kids here during the week and everything went pretty good. They got to bed a little later then usual but I kind of figured that would happen. My W texted me to make sure all was good. She also texted me that a close friend of her from California texted her and is not doing good. Her and her husband are getting divorced. This hit my wife a little hard I think. We texted back and forth for a little. Her friend is also a psychologist and her husband was a Los Angeles cop. I think two of the highest divorce rates to marry.
Who knows how my wife is handling this right now.

[witz10]

had my therapy tonight and this time we spoke about my feelings. Well once he said it everything came up. Anger at myself for not paying attention to my w. Anger at her for the om as well as not fighting for us. Sad that we have to go through this we were really good together. Sad that we now have daddys house mommys house. Upset that my wife started decorating for xmas and i am not there. I might not even be there xmas morning to see my kids open the presents we got for them.

Alot came out how i want to break the om in half. If on a drunken stooper he harms her or my kids i will go after him. When hw is there my w doesn't drink a lot. I did find out that this past weekend she curved her drinking he didn't though. My neighbor said he gets dumber the more drunk he gets and he belches outloud. My w just sits and stares i think the enfatuation is wearing.

Oh well felt like i needed to get that out on here as well. My therapist also asked me about dating and my thoughts on that. I have a profile on match.com just not active. I can't get in touch with anyone yet. I have looked at the matches that i get emailed and i am amazed that all the women being sent to me are divorced.
Am i stupid to be holding onto hope? I hope not and wish one day to reconcile. As of now the separation agreement is still being written up.

[witz10]

how do i stand in front of her and tell her how i feel and gain my ddignity back. When i look at her in the eyes i lose my words should i write it out in a letter and give it to her or read it to her. In a neutral spot no kids around. I deserve the right to voice my opinion but do i risk the chande of losing her. Should i just write the letter and know i have it and give it to her down the line

[adinva]

Witz, you don't get dignity from her, you already have it and you'll have it after all this.

You can't control her even with a letter. Maybe she'll read it and finally understand. Maybe she'll throw it out the window and laugh. Either way you have as much dignity as you had before - don't give her that much power over how you feel.

You can write how you feel if it's important to you and if you have NO investment in the outcome. Don't do it if it's a tactic to get her back because it won't work - do you think she really doesn't know you're hurt?

I think writing it is good for you, and keeping it. Down the line you may not even feel the exact same things but journaling is great.

If you give it to her, I would suggest that you try not to come across as needy and pathetic, since DB is about becoming someone attractive who only a fool would leave.