I guess this is going to be a recap journal post. So many things have happened, some mundane, some a little more eye opening.

I'm not sure if this is going to be another calm before the storm, but I am enjoying the peace for now. H has still not given up his passwords so I am going to stop asking. I mentioned it the first time a little over a week ago, then a day or two after the self imposed 1 week deadline. Kind of mentioned it in a joking way, but still no cigars. Maybe I should have had a pad and pen waiting.

Earlier in the week when he said that he was going to speak to the ow he almost pulled his famous flip flopping stunt. After I insisted that friends don't sleep together, he said that he was really trying but he was always going to be her friend. That's when he mentioned that they practically grew up together and all that other bull. I told him that she had only been back in his life for a couple of months and that they seemed to do fine without each other all this time.

I also said that he shouldn't be forced to choose, but that it wasn't okay with me. His response - 'maybe I don't want to be in a relationship anymore.' I asked him if he was thinking out loud, or if this was something that he wanted a response to. After much silence he apologized. He's got this pressure thing. I push, he pulls, then vice versa. I've been very, very steady lately. I might teeter a little, but I refuse to fall over.

My main focus is going to be to get back into counseling. No, its not going to solve everything, but his attitude and actions took such a major shift that its startling. I think the reality of splitting up our family as well as me being very nonchalant about the breakup really impacted him. He's repeating some similar things that he's said in the past, but the way he says it is different. We've gone to the gym together a few times, done some outdoor activities with the kids and spent lots of movie nights together.

H has been much more affectionate and appreciative. Told me that I did a good job with dinner on Thanksgiving, said that he was happy with the way that the house was being maintained, given me compliments and hasn't been in a bad mood or a funk lately at all. Even after telling him I am not supporting his 'friendship' with ow, he was affectionate and focused on me. In the past, he would have withdrawn completely. Its almost like he's making too much progress too fast. I am very proud of myself for remaining rock solid. I believe that I am fully conveying the attitude that I will make it, with or without him.

At some point in the past few days he mentioned that he was happy about us talking like we used to. I still know that ow is there in the background. Over the course of all of our long talks, he told me a lot more than I wanted to hear. I think he's feeling more and more guilty about his behavior since he no longer has any valid excuses. He gets to come home to a clean home, happy kids, hot meals, no arguments and a partner that doesn't look like something the cat dragged in.

When he talked about maintaining a friendship with the ow, I was surprised at how thoroughly detailed his plan was. He was going to tell me when he was going over her house beforehand (yeah, right) and would only go as a group with mutual friends. I mean, who needs a chaperon to visit a platonic friend? So, he's still touched in the head, but maybe he's slowly coming back to reality.

H also told me that he noticed men 'checking me out' at the gym. I didn't notice, but the fact that he did must mean something. I still need to lose a lot more weight, but H likes 'meaty' women. I used to be a stick and he has never complained about the weight gain. If anything, I think he likes this look better.

There's really so many good signs and a few not so good signs that I'm taking it all in. Most of my days are filled with focusing on what I need to do rather than worrying about what he's thinking or feeling. Its like leaving the circus for the first time in your life.