Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - EVEN BETTER

[Valeska19]

@ west. I do think it will take awhile.. Due to the toxicity of our relationship. She's working her 12 steps and has a long journey ahead of her. I have quite the journey as well so until we learn to be healthy towards one another..

..... She's also stubborn.. And fearful. I'm not waiting but I'll continue to db. When my heart is ready, it'll move on.

@js. I fear it is brusque as well but I don't know how to convey that this is not an option for me. It's what I need to do to protect myself.

Maybe a db coach would be good. Ive never had a phone session. Not because of money ( although it's extremely tight with recent developments) but because I confuse DBing with codependent behaviors at times. I think I'm getting better but I can care for the wrong reasons if that makes sense.

Thanks for the feedback. Keep it coming.

[Rick1963]

Val a DB coach is a great idea. i had a session 2 weeks ago and it was great. I think you would need more than one session so the coach can get a good feel for your sitch. (((())))

[BklynMom]

Hey Val - This is my first time commenting on your thread even though I have followed your story for some time. Your journalings were always so on point I didnt think I could offer you too much advice.

You are amazing. You have changed dramaticly over the past few months and I totally try to emulate your attitude. Especially doing this for me and not for my WAS.

I spoke with a DB coach last next regarding a letter I was writing to my H and she helped tremendously. I would highly recommend calling. I personally found your letter to brusque. I think you have proven that you are detached from your W. Your dont text her pleasantries like Happy Thanksgiving. You are not in regular contact. I think you can make this necessary contact more friendly. Why do you need to reiterate that you will not pay for anything, has she told you you need to pay? did she indicate that she didnt hear you when you said it the 1st time?

Besides helping me with my letter my DB coach really emphasized a realistic time line. Although it feels like its already been forever this process may take 1-2yrs. If your W is starting The Program herself this will bring about more changes. You need to see how the program changes her. Unfortunately it takes time, but the good thing is time is on our side.

Hang in there. You are an inspiration:)

[Valeska19]

I spoke with a DB coach last next regarding a letter I was writing to my H and she helped tremendously. I would highly recommend calling. I personally found your letter to brusque. I think you have proven that you are detached from your W. Your dont text her pleasantries like Happy Thanksgiving. You are not in regular contact. I think you can make this necessary contact more friendly. Why do you need to reiterate that you will not pay for anything, has she told you you need to pay? did she indicate that she didnt hear you when you said it the 1st time?

Thank you very much for your feedback! It's important to ME that I don't come off as brusque. It's not who I want to be and it's not how I want to treat my w... so some rewrites are in order.

She only said that me not wanting to pay for title transfers was part of me "Punishing" her for the divorce. I nipped that in the butt last time. I guess I don't want there to be any surprises.

Besides helping me with my letter my DB coach really emphasized a realistic time line. Although it feels like its already been forever this process may take 1-2yrs. If your W is starting The Program herself this will bring about more changes. You need to see how the program changes her. Unfortunately it takes time, but the good thing is time is on our side.

Yes I will have to think about this some. As much as want to save my m, I think the best thing I can do for it is fix me. I have tackled smaller things like "self worth", "negativity" etc.. but the co-dependency is a big thing. I don't really know how my w plays into it other than how she is currently.

Honestly I don't know if I am healthy enough to work on my m in any other way than how our relationship is now. I keep on having moments like "Oh man, now I know why God did this or that". I couldn't understand why we had to stop talking... now I believe God allowed it to happen caz he knew it was the only way I would start working on myself.

I'm fearful that if I call a coach I will lose that focus on myself. I'll have to pray about it.

You are amazing. You have changed dramatically over the past few months and I totally try to emulate your attitude. Especially doing this for me and not for my WAS. You are an inspiration

Wow - Thank you so much! I'm truly flattered I'm also truly glad you are finding my journals helpful. I too have people I read.

Small Journal -

So I decided NOT to invite w to join me to Adopt a Family for Christmas. I got an idea to post an FB event and invite 100 friends to the mall and each buy one present. Why only support one family when you can reach 100?!?

I doubt all 100 folks will answer, but he!!.. if I get 20, 20 kids will have a Christmas gift. How awesome is that!

Plus if y'all recall my birthday party.. huge invites are 180's for me.

My event is public so w can see it. I didn't invite her... not because I don't want her to come... or that I am throwing it in her face.

Mostly because I still believe space is what she needs and me not pursuing in any way helps me stay detached.

I'm super stoked though. I was dreading Christmas... not so much any more.

[gunny]

Hello Val,
Reading up on your sitch. I have used the coaches for 4 sessions. I have found them to be helpful in crafting an overall strategy to deal with my sitch. I thought my sitch was too far gone for coaching, but she assured me that she has seen worse. At the very least, it gives you another perspective.

Good luck,
Gunny

[Autumn Leaves]

Good morning Val
I love the idea of inviting friends to the mall to give for Christmas. I hope you get a huge turnout which will be so wonderful for the kids What a great idea!!

I struggle with codependency too, and your view is a good one. Maybe this was the only way for me to put the brakes on and work on me. It is a great way to view it.

Hope your day is great!

[jbnati]

Val, I'll cast another vote for a DB coach. I have used 11 sessions myself. I've found them to be very helpful. They have seen a lot of this stuff before.

[Valeska19]

Thanks all for your thoughts on the coach.

@ autumn. I'm very excited about it as well.

Interestingly enough I just received a text from wife.

"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think it's awesome what you're doing for x organization"

Haven't replied yet.. But am thinking of saying

"I don't mind it at all. Thank you for sharing and introducing me to the organization in the 1st place!"

[BklynMom]

Great response. Shows you are listening and also praises but it also casual. Love it!

[JustStunned]

^^^^^^ Yes Great Response

Perhaps I am showing my age

So I decided NOT to invite w to join me to Adopt a Family for Christmas. I got an idea to post an FB event and invite 100 friends to the mall and each buy one present. Why only support one family when you can reach 100?!?

Very cool solution!!!