Thanks for responding adinva. I've been thinking about the whole emotional needs portion of our relationship, but I still don't have any concrete answers. He had a really rough childhood that he rarely talks about, but I know its at least part of the reason that he's a lot more needy than he appears.
Whenever I give him compliments and tell him that I appreciate what he does for our family (which I've been doing A LOT more of lately) he just gets silent. And I thought I had trouble taking compliments.
I'm pretty sure that he started off by getting the attention and admiration that he wasn't receiving from me. The first ow was so far away from us that it was literally impossible for him to see her for months or even years at a time. He thrives off of the emotional connection that he gets. From the looks of it, its usually a lot of small talk - sometimes he talks about his career and other accomplishments, but I really think he likes to know that these women were available to him at the drop of a hat. Its like he get some sort of satisfaction out of knowing that he has that power.
Apparently, he got mad when ow#1 made herself unavailable to him for the first time. She wrote to him that she was too busy being around people that really cared about her. I.E., he only contacts her when things are going south at home and he wants some attention.
When I look at the dynamic that he has with just about every person in his life I can see that he really has to be viewed as the one who will always save the day. He makes ridiculous concessions in order to appease his family and friends, even if it is a huge inconvenience on us all. We have had endless fights and arguments about this because I think its just common sense not to put yourself at a disadvantage to help someone that is taking you for granted.
He's popular and seen as a good guy, but he doesn't see when he's being taken advantage of. And I do. When he would offer to take me shopping, I'd tell him no because I didn't think we could afford it. I'm sure the ows openly accepted anything he offered.
He's always been a hard worker, so I tried my best not to burden him. He may have interpreted that as me saying that I didn't want or need him. I'm not a terribly affectionate person, and I've said some things that weren't too nice. One time, when he asked me if I missed him when he was gone for a week I either didn't respond or said not really. I was terribly angry and I just had my defenses up. Now I know that this was terribly hurtful to him.
Sorry for the long winded response, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out.
Originally Posted By: adinva
What is he getting from these relationships that he's not getting from his own family? My H too liked to be the knight in shining armor for people (always attractive women, never men or unattractive women). He chose to marry a strong independent partner but he then spends his time on stray kittens. I don't know the answer either but it's a question you should be asking. What emotional needs is he seeking out this attention for, and is he willing to try to get those needs met within your marriage?
