Making time is the self care we talk about ... trust me, there is ALWAYS going to be something that takes priority - if you let it. Stop waiting for something external to cause that life change ... make it happen!
One class ... something you've always wanted to do ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Thanks PEI - I have taken a few classes actually. And I just finished a round of tennis lessons. I think I'm suffering from those times when you think "if there is something wrong with my kid(s) - then I can't be happy" -
Past two days have been productive and positive with son. That is a relief. He met with his personal counselor today and it was funny. I was in there initially - and she is aware of our whole situation because she used to be my pc. So as we are sharing what has been going on over the last few weeks - she just looks at us and says "you all this truly is NUTS!"
So we are getting through. Glad to see in your thread that things are going so well for you!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Yesterday was kind of a crazy day. Son ran out of gas on way to school. Calls me - I rush out because I don't want him to be tardy (again) for school. When I pick him up he is on the phone with his dad asking if there is a way to have an excused tardy. XH - "you need to learn your lesson". So, when I reach son he is agitated and I talk him down. Happens to be a day when he has appointments - so I end up late for work / then leave work to pick him up for appt / take him back to school / pick him up from practice and then deal with his car (you know the kind of day)
Anyway - fast forward to the evening. Son is picking up his grandmother at 9pm. At 8:50 he comes down and says "Dad's outside wanting to talk to me" - He goes to see what he wants - XH wants to talk about "life" and if son wants anything from him then son needs to spend x amount of time, do this and do that. Son says - I really can't deal with this right now - have to pick up grandma. X says something smart and son starts yelling at him - yes white trash heaven in front of my house.
Son leaves - picks up grandmother - comes home - X is parked at baseball field up the street watching for son to pass on his way back home. Calls again - wants to talk - son says "dad I have homework"! X gets angry - whatever.
My problem - he does this - stirs things up and then leaves. I'm left talking down my son. So, so frustrating!
Just venting!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Ok, let me ask this: why do you have to talk down your son? Let him go. If he's mad, let him go off and be mad. It's not your job to talk him down. XH is pushing his buttons and he's choosing to react to that. That's on him.
If he's laying into you, tell him you won't be talked to this way and you want to be treated with respect. If he has a problem with his father he needs to find a way to deal with it without laying into you. You're not involved.
I've seen my own mom do this with a sibling when a sibling gets really upset over my dad, and my mom gets herself so in a tizzy trying to talk the sibling down that she gets bouts of IBS and that morphs into diverticulitis.
As a result, we are all trying NOT to "go to mom" when dad gets us upset...it's a type of codependency that is rampant in our family and we're starting to see it actually is bad for my mom's health.
But I've also said to my mom privately that SHE needs to start telling US that she just isnt' going to engage in talking us down, because it's a crossing of a boundary and a type of codependence.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
It's funny that as I was writing it I thought exactly what you wrote Antonia. My new resolution - WALK AWAY!!! All of this is temporary - I am going to look ahead!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Honestly until XH did what he did, I never in a million years even thought about any of this codependency stuff, and as it turned out it is all over my rel. with my family. I don't think we realize these dangerous behaviors (dangerous to our psychological health or in my mom's case physical) until it gets pointed out to us.
Next time he gets mad and you walk away, let us know so we can cheer you on! Look the apple doesn't fall far from the tree---he's spewing like your XH, and you know how to handle your XH. Just transfer the same strategy to him. Love from a distance :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thanks Antonia - I'm not sure you will ever truly know how appreciated you are for your responses!!
End of a long weekend - but it was a good one. I am so lucky to have wonderful children who seem to want me in their lives!
This week is very scary at work. I work for a public entity and a board of trustees elected by the citizens really determine your fate. There is a lot of uproar - but after the past 17 months - I can take ANYTHING!!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB I appreciate that you said that...it means a lot to me that you would say something so kind :-)
Guess what jumped out at me like crazy on your post above? The part where you said "wonderful children who seem to want me in their lives". OMG IB. Do you realize that that statement sounds like a low self-esteem statement, almost like you're grateful that they actually WANT you to be part of their lives? Well OF COURSE they do!!! You are such an amazing person. I think everyone else knows it (and don't even say well your XH doesn't because he's blind right now....but everyone who isn't blind knows it) but I think YOU don't.
You remind me of me so much. I had dinner with the mother of one of my girlfriends a few months ago. Basically my friend's mom went through a divorce last year when she found out her ex was cheating on her with his secretary for 6 years. This was her second marriage, and I think she's VERY resilient and independent, but we got together to talk about how we could help each other out as recent divorcees. Well at some point she pointed out to me how much I had a tendency to downplay myself, my accomplishments, everything about me. She said to me "Antonia, I am not a woman to blow smoke up anyone's a*s, so you know I'm being straight with you when I say that you are beyond amazing and you have done more than any woman I've ever met at your age, and you have every reason to hold YOUR head high, because your XH is a crazy man and he wasn't good enough for you."
Guess what IB? I'm saying the same thing to you.
Your kids want you in their lives because you are so wonderful. Please try to tell yourself every day that you are worthy and deserving of every single bit of love and respect that comes your way (and even MORE than what has come to you so far).
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I was driving to work today and heard a new Melissa Ethridge's Christmas song. Brought tears to my eyes. Just a song of loss - and that's what I'm feeling.
I realized that I am pretty close to bottoming out. Just profoundly sad and empty at the loss of my marriage. No other way to say it.
My oldest d called today. She was sad - said that her dad had called her last night and invited her to a "family" weekend this coming weekend. She said "well we have a game Friday and fiance and I have to work youth leagues on Saturday and Sunday. And we are trying to spend as much time with fiance's father as possible (he has advanced pancreatic cancer).
XH says - "oh, what's wrong with him?" D says - "He has pancreatic cancer" / XH says "oh - is he getting chemo or anything?" D says - "Dad, he has been fighting this for a couple of years now - " D so upset that her dad is so out of touch.
Middle D - "Dad hasn't come to one of my games in over 2 years" (she's a collegiate dancer)
Son - "There's no way I am hanging out with OW"....
I want to erase this pain. I want to have enough time, money, self-confidence, joy to offset the pain. But I have to go through - not around this and I absolutely HATE this.
I want to find someone to share my life with - I want to find joy in my life. My boss just got fired tonight. This will be my 5th boss to work for in the last 9 years. I really NEED for better things to happen.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
