"Sharks and fish can be friends" from Finding Nemo

[dl443322]

Of course you still love him, Punkin. He was your h for many years. I would be worried if you didnt.

That said, there is no timetable here. You will get there when you get there. My xh has done unthinkable things, yet I love him still. Dont like him at all, but there you go.

Behind all your jokes and sarcasm, there is a very kind, loving woman. Our lives are not what we thought they would be.

So, dont be so hard on yourself. You have come so far and have managed through some tough stuff.

You feel what you feel. And that is ok,

[beatrice]

^^^^^^

I agree, what she said.

There is along habit of loving which is hard to dislodge. Very different from a neurotic clinging on to love. We want to stop. Actually loving someone is a blessing. Hard to see it at first, but the ability to love is a great gift. And it has been returned int eh past. We are not crazy women who were never loved.

These guys are in lalaland. I think my xh is beginning to realise it [6 years on doh!] Does it help? no not really. I have done the heavy lifting on me, and am OK.

life is different, but life is good. I feel like a refugee who has ended up in a foreign country and is learning to live there. It has got to the fun part.

Meanwhile the old regime is finally collapsing, but everything is destroyed/ MLC consists of tales of loss and reconstruction, whether or not we remain apart or get back together. Our life is a story with purpose and meaning.

[BeingMe]

So true!

[irishblessings]

Punkin -

I believe this ability to still love is what defines our strength. It speaks volumes to what we are truly made of - what's at our core. The deceit, disrespect, humiliation, etc. didn't destroy us - I have seen with my own two eyes those who it has destroyed and it's not pretty. We are still standing and in many quiet ways - thriving. Think about the "you today" and the intelligence and moral fortitude you will bring to your next relationship. Think about what you have to offer. When we all started on this journey the first thing we were told was to work on YOU and GAL, etc. Those were words we should have heard before we married the first time.

I wouldn't want to give up this ability to still love even those who have grieved us so terribly. Your kindness and wonderful heart are the core of your strength!

IB

[seeking answers]

Oh Punkin, there is nothing like the heart of a woman. It is definitely evidenced by the posts you have received by these very strong, wise and wonderful ladies.

We're still working our way through this. A piece of paper doesn't automatically erase those feelings. It would be a lot easier if it did , we're just not built that way. If we were, we would not have bothered ever looking for a site like this.

Hang in there my friend. I'm walking beside you. (((Hugs)))

OK now could somebody explain why some of us LBS who've been here a while all seem to be hitting a rough patch right about the same time?

[punkin]

Thank you friends. Sometimes you just need to hear what you know in your heart. I know I get to second guessing myself; especially when he puts on his act and hides things, like his drinking, so well. I start to question myself. "Was it me?" "Was I crazy?" It becomes a Which comes first, the chicken or the egg, kind of dilemma. Then anger. Anger at his family for being so blind, deaf and dumb.

Beatrice, I am glad you don't think I'm Neurotic, because sometimes I feel like the Neurosis Poster Child.

Brookie, we both think it would be strange to just stop loving someone we've loved for so long, but that is apparently what they, or at least, my XH did.

Irish, my strength comes from people like you guys here. Helps keep me focused when my ADD strikes.

[AntoniaB]

Punkin love is a very strange thing...and I get the same feeling a lot. If you look at my most recent post on my own thread I offered an ear to my XH who is miserable about his job. I realize that the path of DBing often says to let these people sink and realize how bad they have it and don't help them or offer to help, because they need to see that they can't have their cake and eat it too...but I'm so convinced that me and XH are through that I guess at this point it's the stupid LOVE I have for the him of the past that makes me feel badly for him enough to say I'll help him out if he wants on the job issues, knowing full well that if I do help him and if he does have a better attitude about his life, that OW benefits, not me.

I don't get my own actions at all. I guess it's love. What else can I say.

I think that you are going through this too, we all are in our own way. You can't shut it off. My doctor says it's only going to transform into something else but never really go away. I think a lot of us spend energy trying to make the feelings go away and I guess we just have to give up and say that we can't do it.

But you know, you still sound really good, and you're so far along really if you think about last year at this time. It's so nice to hear you cracking jokes so much too :-)

[punkin]

Another night of laying with my eyes open, staring into the dark, but I think my mind may have finally reached an understanding with my heart and soul.

The goal of DB'ng has been for the LBS to GAL. To Detach. I have done that. I believe that now I am on the final strands of detachment. On one level, my mind is desperately trying to retain and grasp onto the remains of the dead relationship I had with a man that no longer exists; On the other, my mind is rejoicing as I come to some long sought level of peace I have been unable to obtain while those strands remained.

Over the past months, I have been awakened in the early morning hours to debate with myself over things long past. Nothing new there. Now, I wake with different thoughts; perhaps of work, of friends; and congratulate myself that HE was not the first thing on my mind. More and more I have awakened with a revelation of myself, our relationship, etc., with a clarity I have til now either been unaware, or refused to see. Inside there is Joy: and Terror.

I believe DB'g, as is growing old, is definitely not for sissy's. I am making my gradual approach to both at the same time, one not nearly as gracefully as the other.

The war rages on inside. My satisfaction with my present life vs. my resentment of the life taken from me. My loss vs. my gain. I know that this war will rage for some time to come, but eventually, there will be peace.

[/i]I woke this morning with this thought in mind, that it might be of come insight or comfort to our newest members, who still think 2 months is a long time. Not so, says the older and wiser soldiers who abide here. It is just beginning, and is a long, long journey. You must do your best and know that all will be well in mind at its conclusion. [i]

[PEI]

Hey s'punkin!

The war rages on inside. My satisfaction with my present life vs. my resentment of the life taken from me. My loss vs. my gain. I know that this war will rage for some time to come, but eventually, there will be peace.

I don't have this war. And I wonder why sometimes ...

I don't know if it's the product of a shorter relationship than some of you (15 yrs) ... or the fact that I made peace with it somehow along the way ... or maybe I've really reconciled who I am and what my needs are with the fact that he was probably never going to be a very good match for me .... or maybe it's a combination ...

PEI

[AntoniaB]

Don't mean to hijack, but PEI, is that only since you're in a new relationship? Just curious.

I have that war raging too, the war that still says despite all the pain XH caused that somehow part of me would still be better off if OW had never lived as he says himself he'd never have left if she hadn't been right there for him. He even told me he would have gone to counseling and TRIED to repair the marriage if OW had gone back to her BF. And despite all that being absurd as far as my still having feelings for XH, I am sure on some level I do, even if all those feelings now amount to is jealousy.

Yet if I was in a relat. that was thriving with someone new, I feel like my jealousy over XH and tie to him would just fall apart and the war would be over.

Hence my question, do you not feel what Punkin is feeling because you're in an all-new, thriving relationship as the new you?