weve been M for 15yrs and T for 16. Im 40 W is 39 a S13 and D7.weve had a pretty good marriage in my and her aswell as pretty much all our friends opinions. we had been arguing lateley over her feeling too lonely and bored and that she felt i didnt love her anymore. my job requires me to be out of town 3 sometimes 4 day a week. she has always professed her undying love for me and how she would always be there but she was always worried that i would cheat or leave her. i have not. she has expressed to to me in the past how she felt like everyone we know was in a bad marriage. the spouses werent in love or someone was gonna cheat. she also feels her granny isnt happy in her marraige of 62 years. so on 08/11 she drops the bomb she wants to split that shes not happy and her needs arent being met. im gone too much and when im home i have too may hobbies and shes to far down on the list.now i make pretty good money and she never had to work and the kids dont need her as much now and she tells mw shes bored. sex life was always great.i tell her if shes not happy with me go find happy. i make a stand. she says lets go on a trip together. i say you need to be happy with me right here. i cant takke you on a trip whenever your bored. she says lets have another baby and i say your crazy. your leaving me but a baby will make you stay. she said if you retired in 5 yrs id stay but you have at least 20 and icant do it. i say fine go.thinking she needs a taste of th real world, but i do love her.she gets depressed crying not sleeping not eating, going out drinking.asking me why im not fighting for her? i said fight what? she says your just gonna let me go?i say your leaving me. i have 2 guys i hang out with a married guy and a single guy. so they are being my shoulder during this ordeal and i figure ill be spending alot of time with single guy. almost 2 months go by and then i get slammed with the shock of my life. i find out the W and the single guy are seeing each other now behind my back. it flipped my lid.now me and the wife agreed that we were no longer a couple about a month prior and could see other people so she wasnt really cheating on me. now the single guy totally doesnt seem her type. hes cheated on every girlfriend hes had since weve known him. and my wife has serious trust issues. now this has been goin on since mid octber and they are spending all there time tgether. all our friends want nothing to do with them. ive obviosly moved out. my W getting new boobs.im the one depressed now ive lost my girl who i thought was being needy and would come around. ive lost my friend because he is betraying our friendship. i tryed to get her to come back but she says its too late. you let me go. now im just starting the no contact, getting in shape and trying to live a life without. but it kills me i know shes over there every night i have our kids. any input plz.
You told her that her that if she left you'd be fine hanging out with you buddies.
You thought she was bluffing, or that she was being all dramatic.
She even tried to come up with some solutions, but you were too stubborn.
Input: You're going to need to change some aspects about yourself if you want this woman back into your life. Controlling being one of them.
If you have not yet checked out Divorce Remedy, I would. You might, if you stick around, notice mention of other books designed for guys; in your shoes? I'd stay away from them. You don't suffer from codendancy or nice guy syndrome.
If you truly think this is an MLC there is a forum for it...however, the problem with it being an MLC means it is all on her, her fault, blame it on the MLC and from what you wrote?
Look into a marriage councilor one that is solution oriented. Importnat word there, solution oriented.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'm sorry for your situation. You played the tough love card when she was asking for love. DB says ignore them and let them come back to you, but I think you owe her a giant apology.
You could benefit from some individual counseling to find out why you were so insistent on not meeting her expressed needs. Another book you might find helpful is the Five Love Languages.
Some empathy wouldn't hurt either. Some moms get lots of love and fulfillment from their young children and nothing hurt me more than when my S13 first started to rebuff my kisses and act like I was lame and embarrassing. Your D7 is probably also getting past the baby stage and acting more independent. Perhaps she was getting a lot of her emotional needs met by the kids and when she turned to you instead what did she get? Put up or shut up. Real nice.
Your single friend is a jerk to be with her; what a clueless friend. Your W is hurting and likely trying to punish you with this but it takes two to tango and he has no such excuse. No friend there, and don't blame your W for losing that one. You're better off knowing who he is.
My opinion, work on yourself, prove you're someone worth coming back to. I'd say that although DB frowns on it, you need to make sure she knows you are sorry and hope she'll come back, and that things will be different and better, since you did basically say the opposite of all that when you pushed her out the door.
Good job for finding this site - it could really help you a lot. Keep posting because it helps to vent your feelings and frustrations here and get advice. I've found that friends in the outside world just don't get it, and give profoundly bad advice. Here are friends who've been there and know some things.
Good luck to you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Don't know if you're still around, but the others are right. When you played the "tough love" card, it just showed that you were still selfish and wanted what YOU wanted and not HER.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My opinion, work on yourself, prove you're someone worth coming back to. I'd say that although DB frowns on it, you need to make sure she knows you are sorry and hope she'll come back, and that things will be different and better, since you did basically say the opposite of all that when you pushed her out the door.
very insightful adinva ... I would like to add that now is NOT the time for verbal apologies! First ... are you sorry? If so, why? Because you didn't get the results you wanted? Because she's hurt? Because ....
There may come a time for verbalizing later, for now, let your actions speak louder than words. Become a man that any woman would be a fool to leave ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Im still here this site really does bring me relief. just to know im not alone. you guys arent holding back any punches and i appreciate it. in the last few weeks the W is still seeing the OG all the time. I went mostly dark except when it comes to the kids and money. before i went dark she was hot and cold acting like she missed me flirting some hang out for 45min or so when dropping off kids and then get cold and leave to go stay w OG. so i told her i couldnt take that. she said she felt like she couldnt let go and i said then grab a hold or im gonna have t pull you off cause i cant be 2nd or backup. my heart cant take that.. it makes me feel cheap. so she said she doesnt like the way that sounds and ask me what i thought about OG? weird huh? i told her he betrayed his friend your a smart girl. shes thinkin wow he thru away friends for me and she loves that.i told her i have zero respect for him and she says what if he does right by her and i said he already hasnt. anyways i told her im not trying to hurt her or be mean but i needed to have minimum contact w/her. thats whats been goin on now and she still trys to have conversations and i just answer with one word or if its a mean vent on me i just dont respond.i think does this when shes alone, bored, guilty, and feels better if she has or feels like she had a conversation w me.reflecting on our M i know now mistakes i made with my lack of appreciation and attention towards her.believe me i regret it but im thankfull now for learning how to behave moving forward with or without her. she says she is reading a book and now realizes she was a codependent person and established patterns that led to our marriage to be dysfunctional. but she also says our love was real and that our depth of love was always stable??she wants me t spend the nite on xmas eve for the kids. i guess i will. she got her boobs and now shes about broke. i think financial real world is starting to close in. Ok fire away guys thanks in advance. i miss her.im not a good writer sorry
well i see that here in the beggining it takes awhile for post to show up and you end up on page 3 or so. i guess ill just keep posting/journaling for my own good. ive been keeping my distance as much as i can. the W initiates contact usually text almost daily w/ the kids money or christmas as an initiator. i try to seem like im busy and keep it short but shes good at talkin and i guess wants to have friendly conversations even though i told her i wanted space.there was an interesting text about a week ago that shes reading a book someone gave her thats made her realize shes codependent and developed this as a child and it led to our disfunctional marriage but our loves was always real. that now shes vowed to be a new person and she feels like she can let me go without anger. it was kind of a circle to me at first it sounded good then not so good.every interaction seems hot and cold. yesterday after dropping my S off before school i tried to leave quckly and she followed me out talking initially about xmas. she has been saying i should spend the night xmas eve. shes even told my D that i was. now shes saying her parents r coming t town and may stay in the guest room instead of other familys home a half mile down the street.That i could sleep on the couch. i said ill just sleep at my place in a bed or you can sleep on the couch. but later on in the conv. she starts talking about the changes she sees in me(more time and attention with the kids, going to the gym when she wanted me t go with her in the past,listening to her,etc).she ask why am i doing this now why didnt i do this when we were together. i just said i think ther is alot of things we coulda shoulda have done in our M that would have prevented us from being in this sitch. dont know what t think about her question. shouldnt mind read i guess.her financial cloud is approaching fast and she has told me she is broke. she wont mention the boobs of course, its the result of everything else. she says she needs help with a budget and wants me to help her come up with it. i know others have offered to help her but she claims im the best and it would be an excuse for us to have a conversation. i dont know what to do. shes still seeing OG which i dont bring up.why does she keep stringing me along it causes me hope and pain. she ask if im ok i say im good. i ask her and she says she feels she is in a safe place in her heart.
Kind of down yesterday and so far today. im out of town at work and i guess xmas around the corner has alot to do with it. i just dont know what to expect. ive been reading alot of post on here and its nice to know im not the only one upside down. however it does seem like an awful long time for results if any. i feel as if i have learned alot through this ordeal and i beleive im a better person inside and out. i know i did my part in this mess. Im worried about my W im afraid of the person she is becoming. ive told her a few months ago that i feel like she throws me life lines and i grab ahold but she just starts swimming in the opposite direction. she said thats a pretty good analogy. dont know what to think.wish i could get in her head. a friend told her it seems like she wants to hurt me and she replied maybe i do. ouch that doesnt sound like the girl i knew for the last 16yrs.
