new to this..

[25yearsmlc]

Dear learning,

You're gettting sage advice from GraceO and Misha...take it to heart. Things will get better and you are indeed a relative newbie here. I know it feels like an eternity when you are in it, but it passes and yes,

things improve. As for "when?"...a lot of that depends on YOU. You do have choices.

You can file for a sep if you are in Cal in order to protect our assets as h had cost us a fortune already.

or you file for a divorce or you can wait it out.

Don't decide based on what you THINK your h THINKS or feels or will do...but solely on what is best for you and the d's.

everyday seems to bring more questions.. I am not going to have answers to any of them...

Right....so accept that there really are no "good" answers to your questions anyhow. Kind of like asking you about your worst behaviors ever, or losing your temper w/your d...can you really "explain" that so it satisfies anyone?

I accept that I will never get why my h rationalized what he did, but he did. What matters now is this day forward and living in the now.


I believe my h is content with his new life and sees no reason to push the d due to he doesnt see the need.

Don't mind read. You will never realize that in fact they Do feel lonely, and they feel lots of regret but they suppress it or channel it, and they are confused and lost and maybe depressed....don't assume so much contentment on his end. Instead, create some of your own.


the way i see it, he would only need to get the d if he was deciding to remarry. I doubt he is on that path....I dont doubt there is potential of another women, heck its probably pretty likely.

Let's keep the focus on YOU. What is best for YOU and your girls?


but.. he has made it clear he has no money so why spend somethign when in his mind we are apart.
what he is doing to me is unfair. he is emotionally draining me.


yes it IS unfair...(then again, for perspective, if you want to see some serious UNFAIR, go to Africa...)

Also as for his draining you, you control your drain. Put a plug in it and don't let him remove any more of your power.

Take your power back.

I hang on to hope, i hang on to the fact he hasnt filed nor do i think he has even spoke to an attorney.. and if he has its pretty black and white.. I have spoke to several and really he is getting off pretty easy this way so why take it to court..



Nothing wrong with hope, as long as it does not paralyze you or keep you in denial. You MAY have to adapt to a lot of new things and the faster you do it, the better.

Also sounds like there is a reason for YOU to file. At least for a separation so you can
count on a certain amount of funding... what is the status there?

Are you okay financially? can he do any damage to your credit or assets? My h would have sold our house to "invest" up there , if I had not filed for a sep. But at the time I filed, he was very hurt that I filed. And angry.

About a year ago he said "it's a good thing WE did not invest with those guys up in Alaska or we'd have lost our house." He doesn't recall why "WE" could not invest up there. And that's okay. Just shows how little they recall.

i feel the rage and hurt combining in my head and I dont do anything about it. I wont ask the questions that could get him to tell me what i dont want to hear. I really doubt he cares what i feel. it seems this just works for him...

THIS^^ is a hard place to be. I feel for you.

My anger began to consume me. It preoccupied me. I was not available, really, for my children and they really needed me more then. I had to work hard on losing the anger. Seriously....let go of it. It's not a "justice" thing for you to hold onto the anger.

It's not hurting HIM for you to be angry. Just hurts YOU and the kids...

holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.

I know you are not intending to hurt him.

But I want you to see how the anger and rage is poisonous to you.

Don't confuse letting go of anger with being a wimp or a doormat. I want you to lose the anger so YOU can be happy...has nothing to do with him. Make sense?

And if you let go of it, It does pass. I had an Ipod I put some playlists on and would walk or jog (or do my "fury marches") with mood music for how I was feeling.

Sometimes I liked the idea of h being gone for good. I could be free. I played fun "single woman" music then...

Sometimes I let myself get really sad and played the sad music and had a good cry. I usually would eventually feel cried out. Sort of "sick and tired of feeling sick and tired" and that would help me snap out of it.

OR I'd play music of hope for a better future, usually, a future without my h but with me happy in it.

When I began to detail what THAT would look like, a life without h but a happy one, it really helped. Try doing that.

You admitted that there were times YOU wanted to end the m. So don't revise things so much now that all you see is the loss you feel. There were some downsides to your m to your h. Focus on those.

What's good about him being gone? Less tension? More chick flicks? No more toilet seat left up? Hey, start small but there are upsidesa and yes, it's good to remind ourselves of them.



I suspect another women in the picture however I am to afraid to confirm it. I suspect he is just not filing to avoid the costs.. i cant ask the questions because i am probably right.

^^^more mind reading. NOT helpful or productive and often, not even accurate. What's best for YOU now?

He walked out, he says he made his decision and he will live with it. he doesnt know what the future holds but for now this is how it has to be...

I think I am worse off then I was in the beginning.

more like a new stage of grief is setting in. This is normal and natural and painful as hell. But a new life is emerging.

In a way this isn't an ending but a beginning and just as child labor is tough hard painful work,

so is grief. But a new life, for you and your d's will emerge and you get to create that.

My biggest regret in my situation, and mind you, ours ended well, is this.

I spent so much time and energy and so much of my heart and my "power" on what and why my h was doing/ thinking or feeling or planning.

he changed his mind a lot. I still doubt he even knew what was going on in him.

Yet he obessesed me and I let that obessession take my energy from my kids, who really needed me more then, than ever.

Only when my older sister G reminded me of another sister's divorce -which took up that sisters life for 4 solid years of her pining, crying and obsessing about her ex h and his new wife...she could not talk about anything else for more than 3 minutes before reverting to her ex h. It was hard to be around her...really, our brothers wrote her off...

only when that sister remarried, did she stop talking about her ex. I'm still bugged that only another man could get her to shape up, not just her self respect or esteem. You know what I mean?

I vowed if I were ever in her shoes, I would be stronger and more dignified and not stand around waiting for life to happen to me.

If our lives are novels, I vowed to be the author of mine.

Like you, I have 2 daughters (son was in college when h freaked).

Those girls are watching YOU...they will face betrayal and setbacks and blows to their heart.

You must model for them, what it means to be a woman of grace under fire.

To be A woman of strength and dignity. A woman who knows her true worth, who worked on her flaws after bravely facing them, and accepts that she was less than perfect but is still a damn fine catch. Always a work in progress...

Any man lucky enough to be in her life will indeed be fortunate.

Know that though your pain is deep, it is not fatal.

Know that your pain is real but it is not eternal. It will end. You will heal.

You will laugh again, run again, think straight and joke again, and yes, you will love again.

Start living as you want to live, given the givens. Rent some comedies, plan fun things for the girls and show them that they don't have to have a man in their lives to live fully.

I don't think your situation is hopeless. But I believe in forward motion and that it is the most likely thing to help your r with your h

and if there is no r with your h, then living fully is still your only healthy option.

If he's gone for good, you'll get to a happy place that much faster.

And if he's not, then when he turns to look your way, what will he see?

A woman GAL? Some 180s?

For you to reconcile, you and HE must believe that marriage to you now,

from this day forward

would be different and better.

How would that be revealed to him, if he were to look at you today?

Do you feel it would be better?

How has HE changed? more to the point, isn't there a part of you that thinks

"I don't actually want HIM but admitting that means it's truly over"...?

IF down deep you at least partly wanted out, now that HE is the one leaving, can you see that if you push aside your ego for a minute, not all of this is bad?

That too, does not make this hopeless. It's just reality that there were some flaws in the m and that all was not great.

So if you do reconcile, you'll make it a better one. Partly by admitting it wasn't all great before.

And if you don't reconcile at least you don't have that weird event which we see here now and then, in which one person fully and truly believed the marriage was a great one. They are blindsided by the divorce. My sister was, wrongly, one of those women. She did not see how her h looked at her, but we did.

She had gained 100lbs and pretended it didn't matter to her h, but it did. A lot.

Part of her healing was just realizing that she had blinders on before. That also made her question her whole world view, like "if I thought we were happy and he wasn't, what else am I missing out on?"

But a good t can help you with that. For ME, telling myself to "Be here now" helped.

So I tried to not futurize or stare at the past or try to rewrite it. I wrote in a journal and when I read it now, it makes me do one of 2 things.

Either I get mad all over again (not helpful)

or I surprise myself with how much spinning in place I was doing and therefore, how much healthier I am now, which is good.

But I notice that I really did believe somethings back then, that were not true then. Or they were true then but are not now.

So nothing is written in stone. Sorry for the long post.

(((( )))

[mishka422]

Amen!!! Great post 25!

[learning2listen]

25,mish, and grace...
Thank you all for your input... I am in such a dark place these days I almost feel fake...

I put a smile on my face for my kids, but I am not ok.. I am so confused lost and disappointed..in myself and my h

I wish i could get angry put when I start to get there i pull back..

I do not want to file for D, at this point it doesnt matter if I do or dont, but I dont want to becaue I know it isnt what I want.
i know i need to just let things be right now. i just wish I could take what my h has said and live with it, but he speaks in mixed signals...

I have never been so lost and hurt in my life, i just wish for happiness, with or without him I wish I could find the women I know I am.. I have been in such pain for what seems like so long and even breathing hurts.

[Grace_O]

Why do you pull back when you start to get angry?

It eats at you if you don't do something to get rid of it.

I write and/or do something physical to burn it off.

I used to think my H's signals were mixed and what worked for me was to pull back and have alot less contact. It allowed me to focus on myself and D's. I know that can be made to sound easy. It isn't. It takes focus. If you are in this moment, you can't be in the past (or the future).

I know you're hurting. I remember struggling to get out of bed some days. The pain and loss can be so overwhelming.

That is why we tell you to take care of yourself and GAL. It's all hard to do and it's worth every bit of effort.

How about taking a class or two? It would get you out and focus your mind. That you meet people and discuss ideas is icing on the cake.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough day.

HUGS

[learning2listen]

I am afraid if i show how angry i am i will push h away forever.. then again I am afraid if i let him control all of my feelings he will walk all over me..

I know i need to let go. I know if i dont just move forward with me i will go crazy trying to figure him out..

taking a class would be a good idea, I have also thought about finding a good hobby, something that would just keep me busy.. but right now between the girls and my two jobs i dont know when to do it...

I am going to just take deep breaths and hope that I find some peace in my own life.. its really all i can do.

[25yearsmlc]

LL,

it sux to be you now and we know, b/c we've been there, done that.

Here are some GAL things in Alaska and though what I did that may sound nutty I did what I had to do. I had a newborn at the time.

Some of these things cost a lot but most didn't.

Auditioned for parts in theater, and got some.

Did stand up comedy and got invited back (now I write comedy as an avocation).

Joined a writer's group.
Took a pottery class (very different for me, as I'm not "craftsy".)

Took flying lessons and got my pilot's license.

Volunteered at a woman's shelter and got appointed to the Board of Directors, which later helped my resume.

Joined the Wives Club. (A surprisingly fun group).
worked out-got in shape!
did a tanning booth

saw a therapist and went on meds
learned to hunt and fish, pretty well.

Learned to snowmachine.

Took skiing lessons and skiied regularly to get OUTSIDE.

Did PTA and parent's boosters.

Volunteered for son's wrestling board to raise funds and planned events.

You will have to force yourself to do many of these things.

But you will NOT regret any thing that gets you out of the rut and the stinking thinking...

and you will grow and yes, you will get to the other side. Somedays though

you will need to push yourself. I'm telling you to trust me on that.

You will be glad to see the new real you again.

((( )))

[learning2listen]

Well today is Friday.. aside from speaking to h about his current job situation I have not talked to him.. I have not initiated any conversation about anything in nearly a month...in some ways this has made things easier..in some it has made it harder.

I have figured out that I cant guess what he is thinking therefore i am forceing myself to not think about it..he only threatens the D when bill issues come up. WHich actually makes me laugh a little beings regardless whose name they are in, we are in a community property state, he is equally responsible.

today i wil try to stay positive, seriously look into some things for me.. and breath..

Thank you 25 and grace and everyone for the support,sometimes it truly is the only thing pushing me forward.

[learning2listen]

Well, I probably broke every db rule Friday night, but I sent a text to h asking how it was going, and a couple interesting things were said..he said he was stressed, depressed, and scared. All of this is in regards to his emploment, but still, what's with the 3 adjectives all the time..

I asked what he was doing and he said sitting by himself watching tv same as every night..this was one of his main complaints about he and I, that he felt he was always alone...

I asked if he wanted to join d and I for dinner, he said he already ate and he would probably just bring us down, I said or we could bring you up..he said not likely but he really appreciated the thought....

Its probably nothing but I felt he appreciated my gesture..

Do you wise ones have any insight? Did I screw up, breaking the silence?

[any chance?]

L2L:
Sometimes I think you need to do what feels right. Yes, we need to GAL and focus on improving ourselves and moving forward. As my W moved to another state to 'heal' and is in the process of giving up everything she ever had, it is clear that depression is still in control. I send her the occasional care package, card, or text message....not to pursue..just to let her know that someone out there cares about her. Let her know she is not alone.

Does that violate DB rules? Probably. Does she like these occastional contacts? Not sure, but I think so. Does it feel right? Definately. When I look bad on this mess many years from now, I will be able to say that I did the right thing by standing by her through h*ll and back. Because it feels right.

[Grace_O]

l2l,

There are no hard and fast rules.

Just be aware of how frequently and why you are contacting him. You need to keep your expectations as low (preferably zero) as possible too.

Ultimately you are the one that has to live with how you behave through this.