Do I stay or do I go?

[anyhope]

I'm sure he means it.. I mean I could feel and see on him as soon as I moved he changed, he kept calling, wanting to come over.. Yesterday he called me to ask if I thought about what he said. Still I said there is nothing to think about as he's in a serious relationship. (lol)

I know he means it, but Im wondering how he thinks we should go about it.. Let's say I agree to work on it.. In fact while sitting in the burger place he said something like we're already trying to fix our marriage that's why we're there so I said no, we were there because we're hungry

What it looks to me now is that he would try with me to work on things while ow is still there. Let's say I agree.. What does he say to her? And let's say it doesn't matter what he says, she leaves, but it would take some serious time and effort to fix us, what if it doesn't go fast for him and ends up going back to ow, or any other hooker out there.. Do I want to put myself in that place again where I'm being lied to and cheated on?

Or what if he wants to try while she's still there comparing us..

I don't know.

[kml]

It's a good idea to write down an idea of what it would look like, if H was REALLY a good guy who was SERIOUS about making amends (you don't wasnt him back if he's not, right?).

A good guy who saw the error of his ways and really wanted to make amends, would have the OW out of there pronto. Would go to marriage counseling with you. Would agree to live on his own for 6-12 months while you date each other. Would be willing to give you complete transparency (access to phone records and email, for example).

Don't take anything less.

[anyhope]

Yes that's right, but should I be suggesting these things to him or should he be the one coming up with them?
Or should I just say I'd consider and listen to how he thinks it would go?
I wouldn't be able to check his phone records however because his plan is unlimited so he doesn't get a detailed statement like most people do. I already checked when it all started and he was saying at one point that he wasn't talking to her, I even called the phone company because at that time both lines were under my name so I asked where the list of numbers were for his phone and they said that's not available for his line.
Another issue I have is not now.. Let's say somehow we do make it work, but if a person would do this now how do I know that another 10 years from now when things get boring again he won't go and do the same.. I mean I now know that he's capable.

[anyhope]

Oh, not to mention that he's self employed meaning he goes where he wants when he wants.. So for sure I'd be wondering if he's working or what.. It really suck$ because before I trusted him, even though things weren't perfect between us we were always friends and I trusted him, I never thought he'd go behind my back and cheat on me, or even worse leave me for a nobody..

[verycrazy]

I would say that if he comes to you again with it, tell him there are certain things that will have to be done and there are boundaries that will have to be put in place. Then lay it out there. Definitely he should not be the one to decide how it should go. We know what his idea might be. He should have input; I didn't mean it like that, but he doesn't yet know what he really wants.

I really agree with your "not now". You need time to heal from his betrayal, and to live for yourself.
vc

[Abbey]

I'm sure he means it.. I mean I could feel and see on him as soon as I moved he changed, he kept calling, wanting to come over.. Yesterday he called me to ask if I thought about what he said. Still I said there is nothing to think about as he's in a serious relationship. (lol)

Good for you. *applause*

What it looks to me now is that he would try with me to work on things while ow is still there. Let's say I agree.. What does he say to her?

It amazes me how many men (or WAS) think that working on a marriage can happen WITH another person stuck in the middle. Just shows how far alien abducted they are. *shakes head*

My thoughts: You might want to say, look, lets see if we can work on our friendship first. See if he'll start confiding in you. It's not for the weak at heart... but if you can do the friend route, and keep him at bay... but not completely alienate him. I'd say it's something to try.

He'll continue to profess his devotion. You can then tell him he still has a sitch to work through with the OW. Go read "Not Just Friends" again. See what they get out of that relationship and what you can utilize to draw him closer. It'll feel like arrows through your heart at times... and you'll want to quit often... but it's still worth a try.

[anyhope]

He already brought it up again.. When he first asked and I said I didn't think so, he told me he wasnt expecting me to agree right there and then and told me to think about it. Then he woke me the next morning asking if I thought about it.. Lol.

Maybe next time when he brings it up I'll try having a conversation with him about it rather than flat out saying no and we'll see how that goes..

As it stands now I would say we're already in friends mode anyways. I mean we do get along as friends that's why he'd be too honest with me sometimes.. We'll see what happens, he called this morning again asking me to have lunch with him so he should be picking me up shortly.

[Nblost]

I like how you are handling this! Stay strong and don't go back until he does all the things other posters have mentioned. He needs to prove himself to you and he has a long way to go.

It is interesting how much you are seeing him though...doesn't sound like things could be going very well with OW (no surprise).

[anyhope]

Well yes it does take strength to set boundaries. We went to eat and did not talk about us. He did come over after and again wanted to hang out but I shortly asked him to leave. He wasn't happy and while getting ready to go he said he'd bring breakfast in the morning. I told him I won't have time to have breakfast with him tomorrow as I have things to do.. He kept asking what things and said he'd come anyways.. I kept telling him to not come and he kept saying hell come.
If he does show up with breakfast I will take the time to explain to him that I moved for a reason and not for him to come over when he likes, hopefully he'll understand and I'll make him leave after as I have to study for my exam which is this Saturday, I really don't have time to sit around with him and watch tv.

[anyhope]

Well, he just called (about 10 min after he left) asking why I don't want him to come over in the morning so I was able to explain to him that I moved because we separated and all the rest. He asked if I thought we could work on it and I told him I have no will or strength in me to work on anything as I feel deeply betrayed, don't trust him and don't want to be with him as I feel like he would not be able to love me as he should. He said he thinks otherwise and that this whole situation was a good lesson. We didn't really get anywhere though, he said its not something we should discuss on the phone so we left it at that.