DBing against OW...?????

[25yearsmlc]

Going dark feels like ive given up...i couldnt figure out why ive felt so off the past few days...weve had NO contact since sun...it feels like its just over...

Going dark does not mean it's over or that you've given up. But you must lose the illusion of control you thought you had with this.

sometimes we need IT to be over, before we can begin a new R with them. What you had with him wasn't good for anyone.

I DO understand why you are so upset about OWs' existence. I get it. All of us have our egos.

But somewhere I thought you said you believed he was drinking again "but it didn't bother you as much" as OW. That bugged me b/c I think his drinking is the underlying theme here.

It triggered your prior decision to leave, his recovery was all about it. Yes DURING his recovery you could have been more receptive and healthier and much less punitive. But We've been over that and I think you get it and you are leery of repeating that behavior. Good for you.

You did the right thing by leaving. You are NOW doing right by your son. That's all you can do.

Detaching is the course of action for 2 reasons.

First, let's say it IS over. Let's say he's really happy with OW and isn't into you anymore and that he "successfully" believes you're the reason he drank...um, okay....so

Then what? You have to move on, right? You cannot wallow, correct?

Imagine your life were a novel. You need to be the one writing it. Make it go your way, be the hero and have the next chapters go how YOU want them to go. IOW, be the author of your life/novel.

All this starts with detaching from what HE is doing/saying/ feeling/thinking/or NOT doing, etc.

it stinks for your son but you have NO control over that and

you probably make it worse by saying anything. So again,

detaching is the road to use.

OR let's say your h isn't so sure of what he wants and thinks that someday down the road he MAY want to try and reconnect w/you...but let's say we somehow knew it would be 2-3 years before this occurred...

so now what? You freeze frame your life and stand still waiting?

isn't he MORE likely to look your way if you are attractive and upbeat and

aren't you far more likely to be that way if you have moved forward in your life?

Again that begins with detaching if reconciliation is the goal and it's not over.

Either way, detachment is key. It's also key to YOUR peace.


When you don't detach, you give your h all your power and the power over your son b/c you are showing your son

that what his diseased father is doing and thinking - reflects on YOU TWO....

instead, show your son that it's his father's loss mostly, and that as cool as your son is, as loving and special and smart,

your h is too sick and ashamed right now to want to see the son who reminds him of what an utter failure he has been as a dad, nor is your h able to handle it. For now. But his dad will re-group and will try to reconnect when his shame and fears subside. I'd be authentic at those "co-parenting" meetings but I'd also talk to the c about not wanting to slam the h to the point of his totally withdrawing from son.

My GUESS is that your h has a lot of shame vis a vis your son. retreating is the easiest thing to do then, and if there is an OW comforting him with soothing phrases like "Someday all will be well" , it's easy to see the appeal of that.

Wish your c were more..."participating and active" I guess. Does he say much to your h?





((( )))