new to this..

[learning2listen]

Grace,
thanks for the support.. these days are harder in ways and easier in others.. I cant contact him.. its time to accept and live as if.. this is my life now. All I can do is keep the foundation of my girls in place..

I would never wish this on anyone, but especially my girls, his actions say he is a WAS, other than that because he doesnt tell me anything its complete guess work, and my mind is too tired to guess anymore..

If I was truly what made him so unhappy then so be it.. I dont believe that, and I believe he is far from gone in my life.. but the damage he is doing to my girls is terrible.. and I dont think he sees it.

THis will be his guilt to harbor, but my youngest is so tender, and wears her heart on her sleeve, she just doesnt understand, and when she does get time with him she is happy, she doesnt say anything to him, about her confusion, or at least she doesnt tell me. but when she comes home she is grumpy, and I can feel her pain. its unfair. she is just a child.

my 16 yr old seems to be fine with all of it.. she says she felt he didnt really care about her for quite some time, and she has her dad who she knows loves her.

I just wish I could snap my finger and make my youngest pain go away. she doesnt need the pressure, she should be playing and having fun... thats it!

[Grace_O]

Your younger D has an advantage with an older sibling that has been through it and may have some wisdom to offer. it depends on them, how close they are etc.

My oldest has never said anything about it to speak of. Some of her friends have asked me (I have acknowledged we are seperated, but that's it), as she doesn't talk with them about it either.

My youngest has really struggled. She see's a C and she's doing alot better in some ways.

Like you, mine doesn't tell me anything. What's difficult is that he doesn't invited his D's into his life either. I'm hoping that somehow D's can have the R they would like to have with him at some point. Right now, there is little to no interest in seeing him at all and because of their ages, I let them choose. if he feels he needs to do something differently, I guess that's when he will.

[learning2listen]

just not doing so hot...

I am in a very sad mood today. I am seeing the writing on the wall.. at least at this moment, my h and I no longer speak.. we have turned solely to text messages.. Thanksgiving received a text from H, wishing me and the kids a good day.. yesterday received a text stating he would pick up d after school, then explained he would maybe be going to a basketball game wednesday night, so she could just come home normal on Wed.

I dont understand what I did to deserve all of this, it is truly like I lived a lie for over a decade. He just turned me off.. I am so heart broken. I havent cried in weeks. but I can feel the tears today.

nothing really matters when it comes to us, I should be happy that at least he is making the effort to see his daughter once a week. I keep believing he will make the effort to at least show me we arent over, but he doesnt. he is rebuilding his life. and what I show him is I am doing the same, but I am truly dying a little inside everyday.

It hasnt got easier, if anything it has gotten harder.

[Grace_O]

l2l,

One of the hardest things for me in all of this mess was to be angry,for me. It was easy to be angry for my D's.

I knew I should be happy and grateful that he saw the girls once a week, but I wasn't. Like you, I felt like I was dying.

If you were really feeling better this soon into this, I would either think you were in denial or should write a book. As much as it sux, it takes time. Alot more time than we would like.

Honestly, I've only recently started to feel normal. Maybe I'm slower than some. It doesn't matter how quickly or slowly we get there. What matters is that everyday we get up and move forward. Some days are more slippage than anything, but you do it again and again.

There really isn't another option.

HUGS

[learning2listen]

Grace,
my friends say I process faster than most, I say I just go dark.. maybe denial, most likely denial.. my life was not happy and i myself had thought about ending our marriage, but I always thought we would get through it.

I dont know what the future holds, and I honestly am afraid of it to some degree. I dont want to close a door that isnt ready to be closed, but rationally I see we are making no effort to each other.. I am too insecure in myself to say that to him.. I cant handle the hurt that may come with the door being closed..

for me right now, not knowing is so painful but knowing the chance it could just be over is too much for me. I dont want to push so I dont contact at all. Its self preservation I guess.

I do all the stuff we arent suppose to, like check his cell phone records.. i see he is not talking to anyone and I try to read into that. Reality could just be he is out enjoying life, like I should be. I can make every excuse in the book...

so when I say I process faster, I dont, I just try to speed up the healing. I think if i just get the divorce started (which I dont want to do) I will shake him up.. or close the door, and maybe then I will feel its ok to get a life.. I dont have the moral obligation to him anymore...but i know that wont help..

I realized today I am in limbo, but I am here because i put myself here. he hasnt asked me to wait. but I feel like if he wants the D so bad he should be the one to start it.

At least then i would know it was completely his choice.

Does any of this make sense? Is 4 months too soon to know anything? it seems like you are either together or your not.. thats it..right?

[Grace_O]

l2l,

Given all that you're dealing with, I would say you don't need to decide anything right now.

If and when he takes some action, you can decide what to do then.

At some point you may decide you want to file yourself. Protect yourself financially, but if there is no need to file, then don't. Unless and until that is a decision that truly comes from a place of peace inside you. Not a place of "shaking him up" or anger or retribution.

You're right that no contact is for you. It's to give you some breathing room. It isn't and shouldn't be used as punishment.

I do all the stuff we arent suppose to, like check his cell phone records..

I'm not a big proponent of snooping. Why? What does it really bring you, except more pain? I'm not into that, I don't need to know. At the same time, I can't say I live in a world of denial. When something is put on my plate I deal with it, but not until. The last few years have been more than messy enough, that I don't go looking for trouble.

Besides, my H doesn't live with us and hasn't for a few years. It's not like he's trying to pull the wool over my eyes about something.

Is 4 months to soon? I don't know. It was for me. As far as black and white regarding together or not, I think that's something we all answer in our different ways.

For example, I am not with my H. Will we ever be? I don't know. He had emotionally divorced himself from me before he ever moved out.

I live my life as I see fit, for both myself and my D's. At some point in the not too distant future. I will live it for me alone.

Does that mean there is no hope? I see lots of gray areas here, but if I had to divide it into two camps. Emily Dickinson "Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.” and Friedrich Nietzsche “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man”. Where we fall in this is as individual as we are.

Me? I'm in the former.

How about you?

[learning2listen]

everyday seems to bring more questions.. I am not going to have answers to any of them... I believe my h is content with his new life and sees no reason to push the d due to he doesnt see the need.

the way i see it, he would only need to get the d if he was deciding to remarry. I doubt he is on that path....I dont doubt there is potential of another women, heck its probably pretty likely.

but.. he has made it clear he has no money so why spend somethign when in his mind we are apart.
what he is doing to me is unfair. he is emotionally draining me.

I hang on to hope, i hang on to the fact he hasnt filed nor do i think he has even spoke to an attorney.. and if he has its pretty black and white.. I have spoke to several and really he is getting off pretty easy this way so why take it to court..

i feel the rage and hurt combining in my head and I dont do anything about it. I wont ask the questions that could get him to tell me what i dont want to hear. I really doubt he cares what i feel. it seems this just works for him...

I suspect another women in the picture however I am to afraid to confirm it. I suspect he is just not filing to avoid the costs.. i cant ask the questions because i am probably right.

He walked out, he says he made his decision and he will live with it. he doesnt know what the future holds but for now this is how it has to be...

I think I am worse off then I was in the beginning.

[Grace_O]

l2l,

If at some point, you decide that it's in your best interest to file, you do have that option.

As long as you're angry, I wouldn't make any major decisions about it. I would vascillate all over the place when I was angry.

When you say you're worse off now, how do you mean?

[learning2listen]

what i mean by being worse off.. I am stuck..I have no idea where he is emotionally..physically he is gone. I cant move forward, but I cant go back..i now doubt i will ever know.

[mishka422]

I have no idea where he is emotionally..

That is what you need to let go. It doesn't matter where he is emotionally. All that matters is what you are doing for you and your children today, tomorrow, and a year from now.

If your H is out in la la land, that is his issue to deal with. You must find a way to disregard what he might be feeling, planning or doing. None of that can be your concern anymore.

Yes, easier said than done. Trust me, been there done that. But you have to try. As long as you are holding on to the hurt he has caused and the uncertainty of the situation you will not be able to move forward.

Have you read the section in the book about stop signs? Every time a thought comes into your head where you try to second guess what your H is feeling, close your eyes and imagine a huge red stop sign.

It really does work.......with practice.