wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

obviously, I agree w/Accur...

sbh, I recall when all your posts were in caps with exclamations about how "WRONG!!!" your wife was, and nearly all you focussed on was your w's behavior. I notice you still have a need to feel right, and in a way that insults and makes others wrong.

If you want to suggest a non DB course of action, admit it. But don't insist that DB is wrong b/c you disagree with it

and don't insult me or bully. Your nasty comments were out of line. That isn't DBing either, fyi.

Jake, There is a reason DBing does not promote ultimatums. It's okay to disagree with it. Actually, I had an Internal timeline in my mind when I was going thru our marital crisis, b/c I simply had to know it would end at some point, for my own mental health. I never shared it with h. Didn't see a need to. And it didn't get to that time.

But the DB approach was amazing to me b/c it empowered ME in my situation by putting the focus on what I COULD control. Not what my h was "doing to me"...or how "wrong" his behavior was. (That's all I heard at MC's meetings and in other books. H was "being selfish, acting single, forgetting his family, etc. Even though that sometimes made me feel vindicated, it did not help our marriage.

What I wanted, and think you want as well, is to design a campaign for a true reconciliation.

DBing opened my eyes to my own behaviors and how I contributed to the issues in my m.

That was very very different from other approaches that identify behaviors or try to explain them, but don't get to how to fix them.

Though I'm obviously a DB fan, there are times I voice discomfort with their approach as I understand it. But When I express an opinion that might not fit DBing, I admit it up front and say "I'm not sure," or, "maybe this isnt' great DBing but hey, I'm flawed too..."

b/c we are all human and cannot follow any approach that is so different and new, 100% of the time (or any radically new diet for that matter ).


So Jake, as Acc says, you know your wife better than anyone else.

Be your best self.

I'm glad you are not going to snoop anymore.

If there was a behavior you suspected, that you could verify AND that you were SURE you'd divorce her for, then snooping to verify ONCE, would make sense.
That does not apply here. Remember that.


If you KNOW things that you have done that pushed her in his direction

really own them to HER. And go from there.
At least she'll know

you are trying AND That you "get" what was missing from your end. Not that you are some hapless h "trying and fumbling" b/c you are not.
(Not saying she thinks you are).

But if she KNOWS you get it, and that you are working on things, hard, then she'll have to own her choices for real.

For a wife and mother to realize that she's knowingly ending a marriage or risking it, for an OM, and hurting her kids...deeply...and hurting you WHILE you are working on yourself and becoming the best man you can be, (a man only a fool would leave...and a great father too)...

Jake, that takes some serious changing on her end if she's half the woman you say she is, and I think she's very torn.

I think that all this^^^, takes time to sink in. I never expected her to wake up & snap out of it, over night, plus- you must concede your changes have been inconsistent.

Hopefully the MC will talk about your changes, AND your needs from her then...

I'm not saying you never get to address this Jake. You do. I'm saying you are not in a place where you have the leverage you want or need

BUT you see that. And you're doing something about it. What other options are there --that you would be alright with?

You have decided, none.

And that's okay. I get it, and from what you have said here, it makes sense.

Good luck