Hello all, Yesterday was a busy day, counseling wise that is. Had my weekly appointment with my IC, spent a good part of the session talking about my family background, and how being brought up in a household with two alcoholic parents, two alcoholic grandfathers, a father who engaged in at least two affairs during the marriage(subsequently divorced my mom after 25 years), and losing a sibling at a young age(she died in 1981 age 13) has definately contributed to me most likely having a low grade depression for a good part of my life.
My IC said that the fact that I have very strong coping skills and am very resilent has allowed me to get through life in a successful manner, but that now, at age 51, these coping skills have been temporarily overwhelmned by the onslaught of my marital sep.
Very interesting stuff. She also believes that my w has been suffering from depression most of her life(she was her IC before she was mine, my s was the victim of childhood sexual abuse, dysfunctional family etc.), and her decision to leave our m, leave a very stable and well paying job, and completely uproot herself to move back to her childhood home was not, in the context of things, completely unreasonable from her point of view. She said typically what happens next is that there is a period of euphoria for an indeterminate amount of time, where everything looks great for the WAS, but that eventually, reality sets in, and 3 things can happen, 1)WAS gets stuck, does not work on issues, and meanders on for a period of time, 2)starts to face some of her issues, seeks counseling, and moves on, and 3)faces her issues, seeks counseling, and begins the process of reconciliation.
The second part of the day consisted of talking to my DB Coach. This was my 4th session with her. We went over what had transpired since we last talked about 3 weeks ago. She is not a fan, in general, of going dark, esp in a sitch like mine where there has been as she put it "friendly, even warm" communication between us, albeit long distance by email and 3 phone calls. I asked her how I should handle my upcoming wedding anniversary on the 14th of Dec. She advised sending a nondescript blank small card with a short note saying thinking of you on this day or words to that effect. Not signed love gunny or anything like that. She also made a very interesting suggestion.
When I told her I was a member of two divorce support groups, and was one of the few men in each group, she said to use this time to observe how the women in the group interact, how they keep in touch between meetings, how they offer support to each other during and after the meeting, HOW THEY LISTEN. She said watch and learn, and become almost like a girlfriend to your S, talk to her like a girlfriend would, perform small, yet thoughful gestures, like calling every once in a while to see how things were going, but still not pursuing.
Thought this was a very astute and useful suggestion. Any thoughts from you vets here on the board?
Sorry for the length, alot to say today
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
I by no means consider myself a veteran, just a frequent poster stumbling along like many others.
I think you can definitely get some insight from your friends in your Divorce Care group. I think it could be helpful to observe. I think from time to time, some of them will even offer feedback, especially when they're comfortable understanding what you're all about and who you are.
Gunny: Interesting day for you yesterday. I am again struck by the similarities between our situations. I could have easily written the second paragraph of your last post myself. I answered your question on my thread yesterday, but your new post brings up some interesting thoughts.
I have been of two minds lately. Remember my W has been gone 4 months on 6 December. Part of me says move on, go for the financial separation now, and the legal separation after the first of the year. This is clearly the path all our friends advocate..."she is gone and not coming back, get over it" I have agreed to give her a legal separation, not a divorce, so she can keep her health insurance until she finds a job with benefits.
The other part of me realizes that W has emotional issues, to be sure. She puts up a tough exterior (perhaps the euphoria you refer to?) but a realistic assessment of her situation suggests she remains very troubled, and that she is just running away from her issues. That part of me has me sending her small 'care' packages on occasion, a brief card now and then, and a rare text message (Happy Thanksgiving). I have avoided calling her or texting frequently, leaving that form of communication in her control. That part of me wants to leave the D proceedings in her control, and just let things happen as they will. I know she needs to finish the D so she can feel as if she has followed through on what she said she was going to do, but I should probably let her do that on her own time. I guess I am trying to do what your DB coach said, just showing 'small, thoughtful gestures'.
Am I doing the right thing? Or do I deserve 2x4s? Who knows? I just know I have loved this woman for 20+ years, and just walking away does not seem right. Am I an idiot? I guess time will tell.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
AC, Thanks for your input. You are right, of all the sitchs I have read on this board, ours are very similar, similar ages, etc.
I think you and I are of the same mind on many issues, however, most of my friends, at this point, are very supportive of my efforts to remain on friendly terms, and take the high road so to speak.
I have read many of Snodderlys post on the MLC, and I get a great deal of solace from them, they seem to describe my w to a t.
If my wife wants a D, she will eventually get it, nothing I can do about it. If my state had the option for legal sep we prabably would have gone this route, but it does not exist. I am waiting to hear from her any day about whether she has found a job, if so, that will be the catalyst for D filing, I think.
Hang in there buddy, are you back to bkike riding and other PT?
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
G: I think the difference in our friends viewpoints is a matter of time. Most of our friends just think this has gone on for too long, and all were supportive of my efforts earlier in the progression. For now, I will keep hanging on, I guess. Don't know what else to do.
My GAL activities have been going up and down. Bike is put away for the season, but I have started my daily gym routine. I think I should get involved in some Zumba-type classes to mix it up a bit. I do need to learn to focus on myself more. Not all that easy.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Hi Gunny thanks for checking in. Today I am at work and doing ok so far. It is really nice out so I'm about to take a brisk walk. Trying to maintain the weight loss that my stich caused. This morning was great made my D breakfast and she asked me to drive her to school. I really enjoy doing that stuff.
About your W filling for a D. She will need to come to NJ and file. She will need to take many days off and you saw my post that it could take a year. I don't think she will be doing anything any time soon especially if she has a new job.
The advice your DB coach gave is priceless. I have noticed how much more supportive the women are at my group. They guys usually sit quietly and say very little but not the ladies. They tell each other what is happening to them while intensly looking into each others eyes with some light touching. They give each other their phone numbers and make plans to meet in church. They are very differnet than man. Something to think about.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Good observations rick, right on! We could definately learn a thing or two from them. I am always amazced how often the women in my two groups are in touch with each other during the week. At the same time, they are always very supportive, in fact, down right thrilled it seems, to have a male join them for things. They tell me they really need to get a male perspective on certain things. Makes me feel useful! LOL
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
FWIW, I have friended a few of the women on FB in my group. I took a page from LearningPatience's playbook awhile back and I'm using it a PR tool to advertise my GAL activities. This was after my W dropped out of my friend list.
It's always nice to get the "likes" and messages from them. One of them actually reached out to me the other day on FB with something she's going through. It does feel nice to be able to offer the male perspective, and in exchange, get the female perspective.
Gunny For many WAW's there's a series of milestones they must complete in order to move on. For each one they complete it becomes a little harder to turn back. Depending on the WAW's some milestones are easy, some are hard.
Some good examples are moving out, getting an apartment lease, and in your case getting a job.
What makes them hard is that each milestone further solidifies the separation and divorce. The WAW has to think hard about crossing each milestone, because it'll probably feel like after they cross there is no looking back.
I know you worry about your W landing a job, and that being the end. I can tell you from personal experience that it is not. When she does she'll have to stop and think about the ramifications of her taking the job. As she keeps going the separation becomes more and more permanent, give her a chance to see if this is what she wants.
