wife won't admit PA with OM

[Accuray]

actually a big portion of DB is rooted in making the walk away spouse face their choices.

That's not what I took from it. What I took away is that you *can't* make the WAS face their choices.

I also read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson and that book has a lot to say about cake eating and is more consistent with what you're saying GreenBlue, but parts of it are contradictory to DB.

"I noticed on the bill you are still in contact, I guess he means more, and I can't compete with that. I don't want you to leave, but I think you should take some time to consider who means more to you."

When you say "take some time", what does that mean? She is taking her time now. If you're proposing an ultimatum, once again I don't know if Jake is there yet.

The LRT is literally, "The Last Resort Technique" when nothing else has worked.

This is all situational -- I think it's good there is disagreement on Jake's thread as it points out there is no one way to go. He can read all our perspectives and find the one that he feels best matches his situation.

Here's my take on ultimatums -- they CAN work. If your wife always had to make all the decisions in the relationship and had to be "responsible" for everything, she may appreciate you making an ultimatum becuase is represents a 180 -- it indicates that you're going to start making decisions and asserting some control.

If your W grew up in a family with strict parents, or alternately in a family with too little structure, she may appreciate an ultimatum because having the boundary set helps her to feel secure. (There are multiple mens' books that talk about the value of this -- setting limits that may upset your wife on the surface, but deep down establish a base of security)

Finally, an ultimatum may really provoke the crisis that causes W to face the consequences of her actions and come back to the marriage.

In other situations, it's a horrible idea. If your marriage was characterized by control issues where your W felt you controlled her or were overbearing, an ultimatum is just going to reinforce that and push her out the door.

If your W is competitive and likes to "find her own way", being told what to do may drive her away just to spite you.

If your W is truly "on the fence" and believes she loves OM more than she loves you, but is not quite ready to give up on you yet, then the ultimatum may push her away before you have had sufficient time to improve upon yourself and prove it.

When you say "choose him or choose me", she may choose him.

When you're ready to enforce the "or else", you're pretty near to the end yourself -- you've come to terms with walking away and being alone. You have gotten yourself to the place where you have less to lose.

Jake, you know your wife better than anyone. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a professional, and my advice is free -- often you get what you pay for.

Accuray