TIMES THAT TRY MENS SOULS

[gunny]

Hello all,
Yesterday was a busy day, counseling wise that is. Had my weekly appointment with my IC, spent a good part of the session talking about my family background, and how being brought up in a household with two alcoholic parents, two alcoholic grandfathers, a father who engaged in at least two affairs during the marriage(subsequently divorced my mom after 25 years), and losing a sibling at a young age(she died in 1981 age 13) has definately contributed to me most likely having a low grade depression for a good part of my life.

My IC said that the fact that I have very strong coping skills and am very resilent has allowed me to get through life in a successful manner, but that now, at age 51, these coping skills have been temporarily overwhelmned by the onslaught of my marital sep.

Very interesting stuff. She also believes that my w has been suffering from depression most of her life(she was her IC before she was mine, my s was the victim of childhood sexual abuse, dysfunctional family etc.), and her decision to leave our m, leave a very stable and well paying job, and completely uproot herself to move back to her childhood home was not, in the context of things, completely unreasonable from her point of view. She said typically what happens next is that there is a period of euphoria for an indeterminate amount of time, where everything looks great for the WAS, but that eventually, reality sets in, and 3 things can happen, 1)WAS gets stuck, does not work on issues, and meanders on for a period of time, 2)starts to face some of her issues, seeks counseling, and moves on, and 3)faces her issues, seeks counseling, and begins the process of reconciliation.

The second part of the day consisted of talking to my DB Coach. This was my 4th session with her. We went over what had transpired since we last talked about 3 weeks ago. She is not a fan, in general, of going dark, esp in a sitch like mine where there has been as she put it "friendly, even warm" communication between us, albeit long distance by email and 3 phone calls. I asked her how I should handle my upcoming wedding anniversary on the 14th of Dec. She advised sending a nondescript blank small card with a short note saying thinking of you on this day or words to that effect. Not signed love gunny or anything like that. She also made a very interesting suggestion.

When I told her I was a member of two divorce support groups, and was one of the few men in each group, she said to use this time to observe how the women in the group interact, how they keep in touch between meetings, how they offer support to each other during and after the meeting, HOW THEY LISTEN. She said watch and learn, and become almost like a girlfriend to your S, talk to her like a girlfriend would, perform small, yet thoughful gestures, like calling every once in a while to see how things were going, but still not pursuing.

Thought this was a very astute and useful suggestion. Any thoughts from you vets here on the board?

Sorry for the length, alot to say today