Husband Left...Part 2

[Hopeful321]

I am not doing so great today. Trying to stay focus on my work, but my mind keeps drifting back to my H.

And if someone ask me how I am doing, I say ok and walk away crying.

Everyone is telling to file for a divorce. But my heart is telling me the opposite.

[Grace_O]

People will tell you to file because they see you hurting and they want to help. Grieving is a process and we all work on our own clocks.

The bottom line is, you do what's right for you. When it's right for you.

My rule of thumb is this: If I'm reacting, stop. If whatever choices I'm thinking of making are truly coming from a place of peace, I can move forward.

I don't know if meditation is something you are interested in, but if you are at all. Now is a good time to start.

HUGS

[Hopeful321]

If I was to file for the divorce today, it would be a reaction to his affair.

I'm not there yet.

[Autumn Leaves]

My rule of thumb is this: If I'm reacting, stop. If whatever choices I'm thinking of making are truly coming from a place of peace, I can move forward.

This is fantastic advice for all of us to remember. I will file this one away and pull it out from time to time

[Hopeful321]

I screwed up. My H was trying to be nice and just didnt care. He sent me an email.

HUSBAND:
Hello.

I'm not sure how much you've discussed your surgery (and recovery) with your doctor, but I asked around and the consensus is you're going to be "down" for a minimum of two weeks! No big deal on my part taking D, just wanted you to know. (Having her three weeks in a row, I may have to steal a few of your Xanax. LOL)


ME:
Hi.

Please do not discuss my health issues with one you work with. I appreciate it. Actually, I will be down 3 weeks. My surgery is on the 15th and I will be in the hospital until the 16th unless something happens. If you can take Bella on the 15th and 16th and return her to me on the 17th, I appreciate.

Thanks

HUSBAND:
Firstly, calm down. I didn't "discuss my health issues with one I work with". I asked 2 people who I know had hysterectomy's how long it took them to recuperate, that's all!

Secondly, your not understanding what I'm telling you. Please discuss this with your doctor/surgeon. There is NO WAY you are going to be in any shape to take care of Bella just 2 days after your surgery! I'm trying to help here.

ME:
I am calm. I have discussed the recovery time with the doctors and they said 6 weeks. However, I told them there is no way.

I appreciate you wanting to help however; I do not want to interfere in your personal life. I will take care of her.

Thanks

HUSBAND:
Fine.

ME:
Look, I did not mean to pi55 you off. I just do not want to put you out. I know how stressed you get with her.

HUSBAND:
It doesn't matter how stressed I get with her. If you can't do it, or you're going to rip open your stitches trying to do it, that's just stupid. But hey, I'm not pi55ed. Go for it.

[Grace_O]

Hopeful,

Yeah, you weren't very nice. That said, unless I missed something, I don't see any zombies coming up the road and the world didn't end.

Don't beat yourself up. Learn from it. How would you rather it had gone?

I learned to sit on texts and emails. I treat phone calls and face to face convos differently now too. Remember, you don't have to respond right now. You can think about what you would like to say, how it might sound etc. Even with "live" convos, you can say "I'd like to think about it and get back to you" and "I really appreciate your offer."

I used to feel like everything I did wrong was it. It was officially over, I'd broken the camels back etc. The panic and fear were debilitating.

Now if I say something that comes of wierd, I talk about the elephant in the room. Also, I while I don't really care if he gets upset, my responsibility is to not be mean spirited. If I do that, his responses are his own.

You may not be able to go there yet and it takes time and practice to do it in a way that you aren't talking about your R.

I understand that you don't want your personal stuff "out there" with those other than you choose to tell. Given the sitch, you could ask him to respec that.

[Hopeful321]

What a morning...

H sent me a text message showing our D having a melt down in her car seat. He called me after he dropped her off at daycare. He said she has been like this ever since she woke up this morning. He told me that he could not handle her 5 days a week anymore. Here is our visitation schedule that my lawyer suggested and said it was normal. Every Monday and Tuesday she is with him and every Wednesday and Thursday she is with me and every other friday and weekend we switch. We both will have her 5 days in a row. He wants to come up with another schedule that would suite him more. I told him I thought this is more structured for her. Well, he got p1ss3d with me and hung up. He was the one that walked out on us. I feel like he made this bed now he needs to lay in it. I don't want to change the schedule to suite him because then I feel he is getting his cake and eating it too. So, how can I tell him in a nice way that I did not cause this situation, he did.

Also, I am sick and tired of validating his feelings. Like this weekend when we were talking, everything that came out of his mouth was fault and I validated everything. Even if I felt he was wrong. When will he start taking responsibility for this mess?

[Accuray]

Hi Hopeful,

That is indeed difficult. WRT your daughter, I would just tell him that you plan to keep the custody situation in place. You feel it's fair, and it's best for your daughter. That said, if H *truly* can't handle her and she is suffering as a result, then I think you need to change things up -- but you should decide that, not H.

So, how can I tell him in a nice way that I did not cause this situation, he did.

Don't say that at all, that is not DB. Just don't change the custody arrangement.

Also, I am sick and tired of validating his feelings.

Change your approach. If he says "I got stuck at a red light and it made me so mad!". You can validate that by saying "I can see what that makes you mad, you're right to feel that way!" -- OR -- you can say "I'm sorry you're angry".

In the second case, you're not validating his reason for being angry. You might feel that's a stupid reason to be angry, but you're still being civil and supportive. Make sense?

Accuray

[Grace_O]

Hope,

I feel like he made this bed now he needs to lay in it. I don't want to change the schedule to suite him because then I feel he is getting his cake and eating it too. So, how can I tell him in a nice way that I did not cause this situation, he did.

I get it. It should be about her. That you get more time is something to be greatful for though.

What I've learned is that while it should be about the kids, it isn't always. I also know that at times (at least in my own head) I wielded my kids and wanted him to really be engaged. It doesn't work that way.

He may become more involved at some point. Forcing it won't help your daughter either.

The thing is, for every knock down drag out moment with my D's that made me absolutely crazy(ier), I have the relationship that is forged from that as well as the good times.

I look at the amazing young women my daughters are and I think, Wow, he could have had a much bigger part in that. That he chose not to, well, that's really a punishment he inflicted on himself.

Will you have a hard row to hoe if you do the bulk of raising your D? Sure. And it's worth every second. I say this having had to deal with a D that was a cutter and suicidal.

When will he start taking responsibility for this mess?

He may at some point. He may never.

What you need to do, is work on you. Regardless of what he says you were at fault for.

We all have ownership. Being able to hear what he says and really evaluate it for the truth, is a skill. It takes time and brutal honesty. With yourself.

My H had some very valid points. Have I changed everything? No. I work on what's important to me. If it really hurts to hear, there might be some truth there. There was for me. Then you have to evaluate if it's a change you want to make for yourself.

When you really look at you, who do you see? Is it the woman you always wanted to be? If not, what would you change?

Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make him "see" the damage from your eyes. Not now anyway.

HUGS

[workinghardguy]

Hi Hope... give your H some time... he was angry and frustrated this morning, I'd see if he brings it up again. Men tend to deal with high-stress like that differently than women. But for now I'd stick to the plan... he will figure it out.

As far as validating and apologizing... they aren't the same thing. Validating is simply letting the other person know that you understand where they are, but you don't have to agree with them. I don't agree with much of W's worldview, but I understand that is how she feels. So when she says that she's fearful I will "screw her over" in the divorce I don't agree or disagree, I simply state that I understand that she feels that way and can see why. And I can see why. It's not about arguing right or wrong, it's just trying to see it through their eyes.