Another night of laying with my eyes open, staring into the dark, but I think my mind may have finally reached an understanding with my heart and soul.
The goal of DB'ng has been for the LBS to GAL. To Detach. I have done that. I believe that now I am on the final strands of detachment. On one level, my mind is desperately trying to retain and grasp onto the remains of the dead relationship I had with a man that no longer exists; On the other, my mind is rejoicing as I come to some long sought level of peace I have been unable to obtain while those strands remained.
Over the past months, I have been awakened in the early morning hours to debate with myself over things long past. Nothing new there. Now, I wake with different thoughts; perhaps of work, of friends; and congratulate myself that HE was not the first thing on my mind. More and more I have awakened with a revelation of myself, our relationship, etc., with a clarity I have til now either been unaware, or refused to see. Inside there is Joy: and Terror.
I believe DB'g, as is growing old, is definitely not for sissy's. I am making my gradual approach to both at the same time, one not nearly as gracefully as the other.
The war rages on inside. My satisfaction with my present life vs. my resentment of the life taken from me. My loss vs. my gain. I know that this war will rage for some time to come, but eventually, there will be peace.
[/i]I woke this morning with this thought in mind, that it might be of come insight or comfort to our newest members, who still think 2 months is a long time. Not so, says the older and wiser soldiers who abide here. It is just beginning, and is a long, long journey. You must do your best and know that all will be well in mind at its conclusion. [i]
