Even from 8000 miles away I think that my W has noticed some of my 180s....Funny- I'm pretty sure that she thinks I watched to many episodes of "My Name is Earl"...making amends etc... I actually invited one of her close relatives from out of state to visit when I get home- a relative that she is close to, but I was indifferent/ sometimes rude to in the past. This person is important to her, so I honestly & truly want to make amends. Not much else is going on- just counting down the days 'til freedom. No "Black Friday" Christmas shopping in the mountains of Afghanistan- Thankfully I at least have an internet connection. Take Care Everyone P.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
P, On your question of inviting her to some of your GAL activities, why not extend the invite? Sometimes she will say yes, and sometimes no, when I invited my s, most of the time she said yes, esp if the activities were ones she liked, like biking and hiking. Didnt want to be rude and exclude her.
Just my 2 cents, Semper Fi Mac!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Feeling pretty low….I called home to speak with my boys, when I was finished- my wife said that she wanted to talk. We had a 2 hr R conversation . I think that I did a decent 180—no begging,pleading etc… but I’m still so scared of the outcome.I'd prefer to lose a limb than my wife & break apart my family. Basically, my W said that she loves me and that I’ll always be part of her life…BUT….she said that she wants to move out (two miles away) in January and proceed with the D. W wants to be close so we can co-parent easier, she said that she will help with household chores, combine finances, etc.. Her plan is that we alternate staying in the house ( year to year), she also promised that there is no EA or PA ( I actually believe her). Even from 8,000 miles away she has noticed changes, but she wants to move out mainly because she isn’t sure that the changes will last, she doesn’t want to argue & expose the kids to the arguments, & she is worried that if the two of us are living together (but not together as H&W) that it will cause a lot of frustration and anger for me. She said that it is too late for MC… & that we should have gone to MC a few years ago. After 17 yrs, it seems like a waste to D without once seeing a MC! I feel like she is running, but we will still see each other nearly every day? She is still meeting me at the airport when I return, planning a small party, and will spend the holiday together. I’m still moving forward with my 180 & GAL plans…but it breaks my heart that she says that she loves me but won’t try to save the marriage & repeats that she love me/ its too late. Oh well…home in a couple of weeks. I'm sure many sitches have similarities...just praying that this horrible ride has a happy destination.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
My heart hurts for you. I know it doesn't ease your pain to know that, but you're not alone. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I knew what to tell you for advice. The only thing I can think is her bringing up the fact that she doesn't trust a lasting change in you. I'm not sure it's a DB technique, but is sitting down with her and frankly, without emotion, discussing a trial separation where you "prove" your changes a possibility?
I don't know what to do. She says that she loves me but won't see a mc. She wants to move & get a D ... and wants to tell the kids and family that WE decided to do this. WE didn't decide ...SHE decided. Do I go along with this lie or do I incist the the truth be told, which is that she is leaving us and it is her idea to get d'd, her idea to move and not try mc after being married for 17 hrs. How can she say that she loves me and not try? I am so hurt... I really am lost.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
P, I think it's important for the two of you to tell the boys together. You do need to be on the same page on what you are going to tell them. It may be helpful to do some research on the Internet before telling them.
My W was very eager to tell my S at the beginning of my situation. We finally did tell him about 3 weeks after her target date. We finally agreed on date to tell him. My heart goes out to you, man. I felt awful on that day.
"...she has noticed changes, but she wants to move out mainly because she isn’t sure that the changes will last,"
Hey this is good! "...she has noticed changes.." Myself, and a number of others didn't even get this from their WAS's, and you did this from 8000 miles away?! Sweet.
This pretty much answers it, "she isn’t sure that the changes will last..." Well then, you make 'em last. You don't need to talk about them with her much, maybe not at all for that matter (unless she brings it up. At that you don't need to go into detail about this.)
Trying to convince her of these changes will not work, that I can guarantee. She needs to see them for herself. Re invigorate what she saw in you to make her fall in love with you before. At that, when she does comment on seeing your changes, DO NOT let her see you get excited she noticed. Do that elsewhere. Let her get curious. Keep her guessing a bit even. Thank her, 'much appreciate the compliment. It was just something I needed to do'
Note: If she feels you are doing these changes 'just' to get her back and not for yourself, I can pretty much guarantee it will set things back.
"She said that it is too late for MC… & that we should have gone to MC a few years ago...she says that she loves me but won’t try to save the marriage & repeats that she love me/ its too late."
Heard this before. Seen it too. If the changes are kept consistent and are pretty much what W is looking for over time you will hear different as opposed to the above. Button down the hatches though, you're in this for a while. Probably up to a year or 2 even before things can start to clear up. Resist looking for the 'quick fix.' Ain't there. It will take a while for W to sort through this.
" She wants to move & get a D ... "
I know you must be seething inside on this but again, don't try to convince her otherwise. I you do it will just feed the negative energy around this and most likely provoke it further. See my above post if you need to know what to say when she brings the big bad 'D' up again. Adjust if you see fit,
Coyote
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
