yes, i've read the rules... just read them again on wiz10's thread.
fortunately or not, depending on your point of view i suppose, he asked many of the same questions that i have been having and wondering about the answers seem to be good ones for me as well.
i've been thinking about posting her latest email (edited to protect identities) and my response, or at least the main parts of it. one of the things i'm having trouble with is that she says my emails are very different than when we talk face to face.
i don't disagree. when we talk face to face, seeing her anger and loathing often cause me to turn away so i don't tear up or get angry and respond in a manner which would only escalate things.
clearly a selective memory of mine from her email was that she was afraid to touch me again because she didn't want to let go but that she must because she cannot forgive nor forget what has happened.
i understand her feelings and feel not too dissimilar, i seem not to be able to forgive myself either. i feel that my mistakes don't define me yet that is how i think she is defining me. i've tried to be very honest about my history and about myself with her always fearful that if the fullness of what had transpired came to light it would effect our relationship, it has always done so in the past.
other selective memory bit is that she feels i deserve someone that will love me for who i am and that isn't her. she's been trying to tell me but i'm not listening, she claims. i hear her. i believe her. i tell her that i respect her decision and that i can respect her decision and still hope for my marriage to remain intact. not the old one, a new one. neither of us like how the old one had become. we both have work to do and we are both doing it. one of the harder parts for me to reconcile is that now, after all this time of riding the storm, when it's finally ending... we can see the end in sight...she cannot continue.
i've not been served yet so i find that a positive.
i know the three main areas that i need to work on.
a) when she's crying she wants me to come and comfort her. when i cried i didn't want that at first. i wanted to cry it out and then talk with her. i came home from walking and she was crying a day after telling me she didn't want to speak with me. i didn't say anything. she said "hi" sarcastically from her desk and i walked into the living room and asked her if she wanted to talk. she then explained that this has always been an issue in our relationship. she wants me to come and offer succor when she is crying and because i don't want that for me i don't do that for her. she's right. i'm better at it now...well...until she told me she didn't want to talk with me any longer. it's difficult to know how to respond to that.
b) when the girl moved into our house. she's convinced that i have feelings for her and does not believe me when i say that i don't. i don't. i didn't. there is a book called The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis, one of his best imo. in any case, he talks about Agape Love, love of your fellow human just for being a fellow human. i have explained to my wife that i felt that way due to the all the things i've already spelled out earlier. however, W is demanding "all the details" and thinks i won't give them to her because it won't save the marriage and nothing i can do will save it.
c) she thinks i need to get a job. i'm trying. do you have any idea how hard it is to get a job in the IT field when you're disabled and been out of work for 5 years? it's bloody hard. it's not really possible to do lots of jobs that i could probably get in a large store or something like that since i'm restricted in weight and certain accomodations (sitting/standing for long durations is a no go) and so it's even harder. fortunately, i collect disability and the job i had before i lost it due to that disability was pretty good so i get a decent amount of money. if she had a job we'd probably not have any money worries. we're fairly frugal however she's lately been expressing her dismay that i'm not motivated to succeed in the corporate world etc. not willing to do what a real man would do to support his family.
c) well... h3ll, i forgot what this is now as i'm kind of tired. enough for now anyway...when i think about it i feel myself become terribly sad. i'm so desperately lonely and alone and so is she. moreso than me perhaps. this is the worst thing that i've ever had to go through as an adult.
