DBing against OW...?????

[mishka422]

Well, I'm probably going to get a lot of blow back from this, but I'm telling you what I would do.

The Co-parenting session is not about your R, it's about how to parent your child together. There is no 'going dark' when it comes to your child's wellbeing. That being said, you have got to lay this on the table. Tell the C that you want to be heard before anything else is discussed in the session and you want to be heard without interuption. Your H seems to have a lot of blaming and blah blah blah going on but you never say a word. How is that being an advocate for your child? Bottom line, tell the C that you feel there is NO co-parenting going on. Tell her about the appointment with the C that STBXH skipped, tell her about pulling up to the house and OW being there and ask how you should handle that when your S14 is with you and sees this behavior. Your STBXH has to be hit over the head with how his actions are affecting his son.

Aliens hae ZERO clue!

I had a mind blowing experience when talking to my XH about the situation he put our son in. I asked him what kind of example of manhood and responsibility he was setting for our son. His response, "I'm not here to set an example." WTH????? Excuse me? That is what parents do! Our children learn from our examples. If we demonstrate love, responsibiliy, support and integrity then that is more likely what they will model. If we show them moral bankruptcy, lies, manipulation, and disrespect to those around us then that is possibly the path we put them on.

I remember just sitting there dumbfounded by the statement. A while later I reminded him of what he said and he looked shocked. He thought I was making it up! I asked him if I had ever lied to him or misrepresentd the truth in any way. He had to honestly say no. I then described the scene in detail and the reason he had been there and he remembered it then. He just shook his head and said he had no idea what he had been thinking.

When some of them wake up from their fog, they can't believe some of the things they did and said!

Call him on it now in the safe, supportive environment of the C office. You may be able to redirect the handling of your son.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't think misha's idea is a bad one.

I think you will have to do it quickly, in less than a paragraph or your h will tune you out. Be CLEAR...

And I think YOU MUST BE CALM....very calm, and firm when you say it.

It's NOT about your jealousy or the OW, per se...

it's about your SON. HIS pain and HIS confusion and keeping promises to HIM...So stay on message. No piling on.


Ask the c to help get your h to figure out how he, as a father, can better manage his r with his son. Period.


(We here may know, privately, that the OW drives YOU nuts. It bugs me that his drinking isn't what gets you but the OW is, btw. I think that's ego and you have got to manage your ego if you are going to get through this. Do you know what I mean?

[keep_going]

Hi,

I feel for you. I am also hurting a lot from my H's sitch with OW and have a hard time dealing with my feelings. But I think that the more your spouse sees that it hurts you, the more they can blame you. It's just not productive.

Yet, I know how hard it is to deal with a situation where you are not being respected, when your spouse is not looking out for the best interests of your kids and on top of that you have to deal with OW in a controlled manner.

Hang in there and be strong! You and your family deserve it!


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25 - Since you are posting here, I wanted to ask you a question and I know this board doesn't allow for personal messages.

You mentioned a few times in your own threads that you had a great marriage C during your situation. I am pretty positive that I am in the same metropolitan area as you were (are). I'd love to get the info of your C if you can recommend him / her.

Mine is not working out as well as I wished (and is not really pro-marriage) and I'd like to switch. I have a thread in newcomers.

Thanks and sorry for the hijack!! I just don't know how else to contact someone personally.

[Abbey]

I agree with Mishka and 25.

They really have very little idea of the damage they're doing... nor a good portion of the things they say.

Ex: My H, takes me out for my birthday in 2008. We sit down, order dinner, and he proceeds to want to discuss our separation agreement. I could have sliced him with a bloody steak knife. He swears to this day,... he didn't do that. Is shocked that he would do something like that. Other instances, where he did cold heartless stuff, and he has NO recollection of it at all.

Having a third party, LIKE a C... seems to work better. They hear things better coming from others.

[25yearsmlc]

my h denies he ever said he was "willing to take the chance" to lose his family for a job and an adventure on the tundra.

I know where we were and what I was doing (the guest bathroom, drywall repair spackling)

when he said that. To this day, he has no recall. I believe him.

[25yearsmlc]

KEEP GOING....

Hi,

I feel for you. I am also hurting a lot from my H's sitch with OW and have a hard time dealing with my feelings. But I think that the more your spouse sees that it hurts you, the more they can blame you. It's just not productive.

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25 - Since you are posting here, I wanted to ask you a question and I know this board doesn't allow for personal messages.

You mentioned a few times in your own threads that you had a great marriage C during your situation. I am pretty positive that I am in the same metropolitan area as you were (are). I'd love to get the info of your C if you can recommend him / her.

Mine is not working out as well as I wished (and is not really pro-marriage) and I'd like to switch. I have a thread in newcomers.

Thanks and sorry for the hijack!! I just don't know how else to contact someone personally.

Rick Blackmon, PhD and I think he's either also a minister or some sort of preaching guy b/c he's got a following. He favors DBing and IF you want, he'll give you spiritual advice too.

818 area code if that helps you geographically.

I thought he was great, my h and he really connected too. He's a man's man. So that helped a lot. TELL him up front you'd strongly prefer saving the marriage so he knows where you want to go.

[imthemom]

thank you all for the input...I am going to redirect these Co Parenting sessions because I feel like they have become basially me sitting in on his therapy sessions. I feel physically beat up on when I leave them and it has not been productive in helping with our S14. My C has recommended that I get there 15 min. early so that I can calm myself and organize my thoughts, I am always filled with anxiety the first 10 min. of getting there so Im going to try that and go over in my head what and how Im going to say and stay calm and to the point.

25: Im not real sure what you mean by the fact that the OW bothers my more then his drinking...His drinking bothers me A LOT..I just have no proof that it is happening, and if Ive learned anything from living with an alcoholic for 16 years is that I cannot control his drinking and there is nothing I can do about it. So really, if i DID have proof, there would still be nothing I could do about it...except keep our S14 away from the situation. If he ever showed up smelling like beer or even made me think he had been drinking S14 would not go with him. period.

As far as the OW..i think obviousley some of it is ego...I wouldnt be human if it wasnt. I know this OW has nothing to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him and what he is going through in his head right now...what bothers me is the viciouse insensitive way he is handling it. I can literally feel the hate coming off his body when he is in a room with me or is forced to talk to me. I cant explain to you how that makes me feel. so when I think about him being careing and sensitive to someone else, it kills me. and the kicker is Im being punished and treated this way because I decided to take our then S12 out of a situation that was deteriorating quickly and keep him from continueing to see his alcoholic D go down that road. for doing something that I thought was the right thing to do even though I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT!. What i wanted was for H to stop drinking so we could fix out marriage...it makes me want to slap him when we are in these sessions now and she asks him if we went to MC and he says (very rudely) yes but it never helped and then she says were you drinking at that time and he says yes and doesnt even aknowledge how STUPID that sounds..and she has said this at least twice.

Im so tired...Ive been thinking about GALs and 180s ....I am doing them but not really feeling like they are helping...Im excited about my new job prospects, and meeting new people. Im focusing on my kids and handling things different then I used to. Ive seen big changes in our relationships...that alone is worth it. but the road looks long...and I am just so tired.....and so sick of all the anger and negativity.

[imthemom]

just spent the last 30 minutes laying in bed with my S14...I was on facebook, and thought he was asleep..he sent me a message that said "i cant sleep thinking about dad :,(.....

so I went back and got in bed with him and we talked for a bit...he misses him and I told him I did to...I said your dad is a good person deep down and i think he just has some stuff he needs to work out but he loves you and doesnt mean to make you feel the way you do.

The truth is I want to get in my truck, drive over to his house down the road and bang on that door...im sure OW is there and he has time for her tonight...and ask him WTH he is thinking??? and who the H do you think you are ???? our son is amazing and you just throw that away?????
I swear...i want to just lay him our right now...

[Abbey]

Felt that way when we S'ed in 2008. One morning, that feeling was SO strong that I wanted to drive over here, kick in the door, and use them both for mopping up the floor. I didn't. I drove around the city for hours, crying, p'o'ed, and just so lost.

Save that thump card for when you are much more detached. You'll find you won't want to use it unless and until you need to shove back so hard that you don't care if he ever comes back. (That's what I did,... gave fuel to the OW, to think she had won. I contend it feeds the OW's ego and that's when they get sloppy.)

If say, he takes your S out in a car and he's been drinking... THEN go helter on him. Before that... nothing you can do/say is going to penetrate effectively enough to stop your pain.

Hang in there.
Abbey

[imthemom]

Going dark feels like ive given up...i couldnt figure out why ive felt so off the past few days...weve had NO contact since sun...it feels like its just over...