Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

H called me tonight before I left work...I was nice but barely talked to him before I said I had to go. He called the kids when I got home and was super upbeat. He texted D8 a photo from what he claimed was his hotel lobby. Instead of feeling relief (and comfort knowing he was trying to assure me he was at a hotel)...I am burning up inside. I looked at the picture of the fire and I'm imagining he texted it to OW and said something cozy to her about it. (I know I'm not acting "as if"...but that's just how I felt) And, is he proving he is at a hotel tonight because he won't be later this week? Yep, probably.

I really think I need to majorly detach. My IC told me she is glad she isn't our couples counselor...this trip he has planned really bothers her. So disrespectful and she has seen my struggles and efforts to take the high road. I think it especially hurts if you go back to the beginning of November and he said he just needed to let his A go for another month or two to figure it out. My impression (which now I realize why you can't listen to these guys) was that he would be taking it slow and thinking through things. Not taking OW on a trip and joking to me about taking money out of my checking account. I think this is just a new level of disrespect that I wouldn't have expected. We aren't separated, our kids don't know...how does that leave H free and clear to just take a weekend trip when he travels 90% of the time already???? (venting)

I have been reading Starsky's postings and I think he is right...I need to stop all R talks. I need to move on in my own head. I need to buckle down more on the LRT. I think I need to give H a shake of reality now on what it is like not to have me available to him. He needs to feel like he's starting to lose me and if he doesn't care...better I find out now.

I'll still put up with him to get the kids through the holidays...but I think I need to somehow remain positive/optimistic yet know deep down there is a strong chance we'll separate in January. I fully recognize that may be what it takes for his A to eventually fizzle...but I'm scared because I truly don't know if I will take him back if we get to the point where we put our kids through a separation. It would take a major realization by him that he really wants me back...and I'm not sure he does given our past issues...

I know I'm spiraling down a bit...but I have been feeling optimistic and like I'm seeing baby steps and now I just feel scared. I'm also busy at work and dealing with three kids alone and I realized tonight as H was talking to them...he has no idea what I am going through. I know all LBSs are struggling with that problem. We don't deserve how we are being treated.

I'll reread some MWD tonight and hopefully get back on track with Last Resort. I know I need to regroup a bit mentally.

M-12 years
Me-43, H-45
D10 D8 D4
Affair 8/2011
H still in house