I think the advice been give here is for two different type of affairs.
If your W is running away and not looking back Accuray's advice is great. Specially the snooping part. In this case snooping does no good since, well you already know she is having an affair! Going dark means letting her go to see if the other side of the fence truly is greener.
In your case, your W came back to pretend she is the good wife. Who knows what her reasons are, maybe she is conflicted, maybe she needs money, maybe she wants to have both of you. Who knows. What we do know is that she came back wanting to start over.
DB victory right? I mean a lot of folks seem to want to declare that.
I get it here at DB we fight to get our spouses back, we change and grow, and do our best, but when the spouse comes back are they someone we want back? Are they someone who came back to work on the M or someone who came back because you finally bent backwards and forwards enough for them to appease them?
Did she come back to do the hard work, or did she come back because leaving is too hard. Is Jake worth letting go of OM?
Doesn't seem so.
Now she comes back claiming to want to be honest with you, to end the pain, and move on. Doesn't seem that way to me.
Yes your wife is addicted to OM. She can't let go, and like any addict she'll use you as long as she can. So are you going to sit here and enable this by burying your head in the sand.
Affairs fizzle against the light of reality, when they realize that this person will be their next partner. When they see that person's true qualities and compare them to yours. If you have been DBing right your flaws would have been worked on, as OM's start to come out.
She then has to choose between you and OM.
In the current state you guys are in, she doesn't have to choose. She can keep both until she makes up her mind. In this scenario, unless OM is a loser the odds are against you. You are the ugly reality, OM is the dreamy fantasy.
Here's my advice:
Tell her you checked the bill, tell her you know she broke her promise. Tell her that you want this to work, but her actions show you she doesn't.
Tell her she needs to choose who is more important.
Will she fly off the handle?
Most likely,
will she run away with OM? Probably.
At least now she has to face reality, she cant continue to live this fantasy at your expense.
Then you work hard on yourself to be a good man. If she returns good, hopefully this time she'll value you. If she's like most spouses returning from an affair she'll probably ask you to check on her.
Then you can begin to trust, and forgive.
Right now, how can you start trusting someone who can't be honest with you.
