wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

Sad_but_happy is also correct -- you can use the ultimatum and let her know you will be verifying.


the problem with sbh advice is that Jake is not ready to give an ultimatum AND btw,

this is NOT DB advice. It's SBH's...


As sad_but_happy points out, you need to be willing to walk if she doesn't follow through.

Are you there yet?

if he were there, I think he'd be gone by now. Am i wrong Jake? Aren't you trying to save this even if she's been with him but wants you now?

Most people HERE would love to hear that the marriage is important to their spouse. Instead of being glad to have the chance to start fresh,

you keep looking over HER shoulder and not working on you. Like I said, what
180s are there for HER to see?

I just see more of the anger and stomping around saying she "broke her word" or "crossed your boundary" that to HER makes no sense!

TO HER --- YOU are out of line. YOu are the one she's fleeing b/c

you keep bossing her around and trying to say SHE let you down or "betrayed you" b/c she failed to obey you...with your latest "boundary" as if it was a mutually agreed upon condition.

I think she thinks You forced it upon her. Now you want to take SBh's advice
and you want to go verify if she obeyed your latest order not to have contact with OM? AND THEN WHAT???

I hope you see how that "sounds"...

Good luck...


I had this issue where W continued to talk to one of her OM's and wouldn't agree to stop.

I talked to my DB coach about the ultimatum, but ultimately realized that I wasn't ready to follow through on the "or else".

Ultimately, I improved myself, improved the relationship, and at that point W voluntarily gave up OM for good.


THIS IS YOUR ONLY DIV BUSTING COURSE OF ACTION --- UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO WALK

and then you can take SBH's advice to end things

B/C YOUR WIFE ISN'T READY TO OBEY ALL YOUR CONDITIONS AND

YOU ARE TOO IMPATIENT TO WAIT --AND YOU ARE NOT FOCUSING ON YOUR OWN CHANGES ANYHOW, which is the only way to actually get her to see or feel differently about you.

Jake, does it seem easier to end it than to change yourself?

Or is it too hard to wait and work on yourself and not have a guaranteed result?

To me that is the big hurdle for you. You want a known guaranteed result, but Jake, you never had that before. AND None of us have that now.




decide what's right for you.

Accuray

one of the two useful pieces of advice I got from the priest who married us was that

while deceit is bad for any marriage, it's important not to encourage deceit by over reacting.

If you blow up b/c your wife dents the car, she's not so likely to tell you the next time someone keys her car in the lot. She might "go behind your back" to get it fixed so she can avoid being berated or chewed out or lectured.

Sure, it's "wrong" to deceive,

but look to your own role in this too. It's the ONLY thing YOU can change here. The rest of this is a blame game and it'll get you nowhere.

Lose the scorecard.