wife won't admit PA with OM

[Accuray]

Jake,

I don't know, I get what 25yearsmlc says for sure, it's great advice. At the same time, having sat in your seat, I know that course of action takes an iron will and I'm not reading that you're there yet.

Maybe I can take another slant on it for you. Fast forward, let's pretend that W is having a secretive, full-on PA with OM, and she tells you that she no longer loves you and wants a divorce.

If that was the case, you would need to gut-check. What do you want? Is that a deal breaker that will make you walk away, or would you want W back?

If you would want W back, then you would have to:

-- 180, and prove your 180's with consistent action, not words
-- GAL, and become a better person
-- Give space and not pursue
-- "Act as if" everything is OK.

Note that on this list, W doesn't need to do anything. There is no role for her to play there at all. It's all about you and what you're going to do.

If W had asked you for a divorce and walked away, you could not demand answers, you could not ask her about her whereabouts, you could not ask for remorse or apology, and eventually you couldn't snoop. You would have to deal with all that on your own and get beyond it. In effect, you could expect *nothing* of W, it would all be on you.

You would have to do all those things with the horrible knowledge that your wife had a full-on PA. You would have to get to a place of forgiveness for your own peace of mind, and expect nothing in return. You would have to let it go and move on.

I think part of 25's point is that if you continue on your current course of action, you may very well find yourself there. If you continue to snoop, continue to try to control what W is doing, continue to play games, you will push her away. If you push her away, time with OM becomes more attractive, because he "gets her better" and does not come with a laundry list of demands and accusations.

What I get from 25's advice is that you need to do the same things now that you would need to do if things were much worse, BUT YOU HAVE A HUGE HEAD START. Many people on this board would actually LOVE to be in your position -- you haven't been told you're not loved, you haven't been asked for divorce, your W hasn't moved out, you're not being treated like a pariah.

Capitalize on that, assume that your W's emotional state is for the worse. Assume that she owes you nothing, and that pursuing commitments or explanations from her will push her out the door.

Although you don't realize it now, the stakes really are that high. Your marriage is in trouble -- serious trouble, and that really has nothing to do with OM.

So what do you do?

Be positive
Be fun to be around
Be supportive
Be accepting
"Act as If" everything is ok
Recognize that snooping is addictive and will only make you feel worse.
-- Lock yourself out of any accounts of hers you have access to
-- Change the phone bill to be in her name so you can't access it
-- Teach her to put a lock screen on her phone so you can't read it.

It's time to put everything on the table and remove temptation.

Accuray