Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Starsky, I hear you. I let up at times. Although, here's what's kind of weird about my H. When we have R talks and they start calmly and I listen, he seems to open up. Last night, we had the R talk and then we talked for 30-40 minutes while he was in the car on the way to the airport (about light things). He seems to warm up and appreciate some input from me...all along, he has thanked me for being "emotionally invested" in him. I also think he has needed to hear some of my thoughts along the way to know I still care and want to try.

The bad R talks are the stuff I did over the weekend when I am coming from a place of hurt and anger. Those aren't helpful.

The worst thing I struggle with is the occasional lashing out I do...usually spurred by H making a joke that strikes a nerve. For example, last night, he noticed a craft fair happening the weekend he is going on his vacation with OW. (I'm not into craft fairs)...he jokingly said..."Oh look, you could go to a craft fair on December 10". I then said, "Yeah, that sounds great for me while you have your fun". He got very angry and I said I am only pointing out reality. The R talk when we got home was to recover from that before he went on his plane for a week.

I now need to GAL and pep up...having a hard time facing this week and I know next week will be worse before his trip. (not that he's really home at all anyway)

I appreciate everyone's insights. I do think he is showing a few positive signs and I need to focus on those.

[MynameisMZ]

Just let him ride this out. And even if they go on vacation. Nothing like a good vacation to screw up a relationship. THIS thing is dying for him. Let it. Don't try to drive it.

Nb, I agree with Abbey that this thing has to burn itself out and there is not much you can do about that. In the movie, The Women, there is a scene where the mom convinces the daughter (LBS) to go away with her and basically says, there is nothing like a good dose of the ow to make him sick of her. Very good star studded movie about A s BTW.

[Nblost]

I know I need to just leave him alone. Case in point, today's text messages from him (he is in OW's city)
H: "I just transferred/stole $2,000 out of your checking account"
Me: silence
H: "I just deposited $4,000 of checks. :-)"
Me: silence
It isn't unreasonable that we'd be swapping money around (he is paying our rent, etc.) But, obviously the first message didn't strike me very well given his upcoming vacation.

I will eventually respond and just say "Ok".

I know I need to believe the A will die...but this is where all the insecurities flood in. Is a short vacation with her really going to blow up the A? I find that hard to believe. I think my best bet is that he feels guilt while he's gone knowing that I know. And, maybe that shows through to the OW and she starts to get more uncomfortable. I just believe at the stage they are in...4 months of infatuation in a dreamland...they may not crack yet.

I don't know...I don't get it. Part of me thinks OW is just having fun while she waits for her D to go through. In a way, that's bad because she may have low expectations and my "poor" H is waiting around to see if the relationship develops further because I think he is all whipped over her. If you're just having fun...seems like it'd be easier to justify an affair with a married man.

And, I don't get the sense she's pressuring him to end his marriage, be with her non-stop, etc. That's also bad because he's then enabled to live more comfortably in his cake-eating world since I'm DB-ing.

Of course, I don't know. Optimistically, she's likely in her first relationship post-separation, she's 45, she has three kids...she's got to have some baggage, right? And, my H is very high needs sexually...I'm sure that's been fun/easy for her so far...but not sure how long she'll feel like keeping that up. Hopefully she start to feel a bit used.

Anyway, but yes, hopefully they have a terrible time. I think I will take my kids to a hotel that weekend and do a little road trip with them.

[adinva]

road trip = good idea! have some fun of your own.

[Abbey]

Just let him ride this out. And even if they go on vacation. Nothing like a good vacation to screw up a relationship. THIS thing is dying for him. Let it. Don't try to drive it.

Nb, I agree with Abbey that this thing has to burn itself out and there is not much you can do about that. In the movie, The Women, there is a scene where the mom convinces the daughter (LBS) to go away with her and basically says, there is nothing like a good dose of the ow to make him sick of her. Very good star studded movie about A s BTW.

YEP... fry pan in the head... full dose of the OW. Reality's a b*tch

[Abbey]

I know I need to believe the A will die...but this is where all the insecurities flood in. Is a short vacation with her really going to blow up the A?

No. In and of it self... no.

They start though to make deals "with god". If this... then I can leave. If that,... then I'd leave. It's a stair climb for them and I would view this vaca as a big poisoned food supply. They won't necessarily get "sick" right away,... but happens over time. Think long term... chess match. Not slam dunk as one would in a basketball game.

[Nblost]

Thanks guys! Yes, I hope some poison starts seeping in. The good news is we're approaching about the 5 month mark from when they likely really started to connect emotionally (about 4.5 months since the PA started). My concern is just that they are long distance and secretive...so maybe the honeymoon period is extended. MWD says affairs typically last 6 months...seems like the data I see more commonly says 2 years...but that's when the affair isn't known.

My H claims they don't talk about the future or have any timeline or plans...which could VERY easily be a lie OR feeds into my theory that OW is just having some fun. (and H could look kind of stupid if he talks about a big future while he's married and she's not yet divorced)

My H claimed early on that they felt bad about the fact he was married. He also says she knows he's struggling. WTF? I guess I haven't been so passionately "in love" that I would be willing to continue to cross that line. That definitely goes for both of them...ugh. H also likes that OW's friends don't look at him like he's a cheating husband...I found that heartwarming as well.

It's also terrible because our kids have no idea anything is wrong (well, besides I'm sure sensing tension). So, I now need to lie for him over that weekend to tell them he has to work. Nice position that puts me in. Not that I haven't been in it for the last 3 months.

Sorry, just needed to vent a bit.


Yep, we live in CA so I may take my girls to Hollywood for the first time. The good news while H is on vacation...I don't think I need to worry about spending money on myself and the kids.

I hope we can all survive especially during the holiday season. Feels more painful for me.

[Abbey]

The holidays are the toughest time. *hugs*... chin up and hang in there.

Abbey.

[Nblost]

H called me tonight before I left work...I was nice but barely talked to him before I said I had to go. He called the kids when I got home and was super upbeat. He texted D8 a photo from what he claimed was his hotel lobby. Instead of feeling relief (and comfort knowing he was trying to assure me he was at a hotel)...I am burning up inside. I looked at the picture of the fire and I'm imagining he texted it to OW and said something cozy to her about it. (I know I'm not acting "as if"...but that's just how I felt) And, is he proving he is at a hotel tonight because he won't be later this week? Yep, probably.

I really think I need to majorly detach. My IC told me she is glad she isn't our couples counselor...this trip he has planned really bothers her. So disrespectful and she has seen my struggles and efforts to take the high road. I think it especially hurts if you go back to the beginning of November and he said he just needed to let his A go for another month or two to figure it out. My impression (which now I realize why you can't listen to these guys) was that he would be taking it slow and thinking through things. Not taking OW on a trip and joking to me about taking money out of my checking account. I think this is just a new level of disrespect that I wouldn't have expected. We aren't separated, our kids don't know...how does that leave H free and clear to just take a weekend trip when he travels 90% of the time already???? (venting)

I have been reading Starsky's postings and I think he is right...I need to stop all R talks. I need to move on in my own head. I need to buckle down more on the LRT. I think I need to give H a shake of reality now on what it is like not to have me available to him. He needs to feel like he's starting to lose me and if he doesn't care...better I find out now.

I'll still put up with him to get the kids through the holidays...but I think I need to somehow remain positive/optimistic yet know deep down there is a strong chance we'll separate in January. I fully recognize that may be what it takes for his A to eventually fizzle...but I'm scared because I truly don't know if I will take him back if we get to the point where we put our kids through a separation. It would take a major realization by him that he really wants me back...and I'm not sure he does given our past issues...

I know I'm spiraling down a bit...but I have been feeling optimistic and like I'm seeing baby steps and now I just feel scared. I'm also busy at work and dealing with three kids alone and I realized tonight as H was talking to them...he has no idea what I am going through. I know all LBSs are struggling with that problem. We don't deserve how we are being treated.

I'll reread some MWD tonight and hopefully get back on track with Last Resort. I know I need to regroup a bit mentally.

M-12 years
Me-43, H-45
D10 D8 D4
Affair 8/2011
H still in house

[MynameisMZ]

Nb,

When you do the LRT you know that you have to be prepared for the worst, right? <<<Hugs to you>>> I was ready for the LRT when I spoke about it. I had had enough and was crystal clear I was not going to continue with any cake eating.

What may help is to really ask yourself if this is good for you the way it is going. I mean pure and simple question. I've only been on this board for under a year, but I have seen several R and M turn around when the LBS really has had it. It's a change in attitude that quickly gets picked up by the WAS.

If you are not ready, don't do it. However, you WILL do it when you have truly had enough and WANT to do it. I know how scared you are.

MZ