too much time and distance

[any chance?]

Update:
Just got back from an extended work trip, then Thanksgiving. Tday at my little sisters, then I took my mother back home. She is slipping a bit with her memory, so it was heartwarming to spend some time with her. Got through the holiday in better shap than I had anticipated. Hope everyone out there had a good holiday.

I was quite surprised that my W called my family at my sister's house, both the day before and the day of Thanksgiving, meaning she really wanted to talk to them. She has not contacted them at all since leaving 3.5 months ago, and I was very surprised she called. I am not sure if she expected me to be there or not. W was very teary after talking to my mother, to be sure

Not sure what anything means, and I cannot try to read anything into it.

Starting a new GAL regime this week. Need to keep moving forward!

[any chance?]

Ok, so I seem to be stuck in a rut I cannot get out of. Deep down, I know my W is not coming back. I do hold a glimmer of hope, however, that is very hard to shake. I keep in touch with her on a limited basis, occasionally sending a card to say hello, an occasional text (Happy Thanksgiving). It has been 3.5 months since she moved away.

Do I just let her move ahead with the D, or do I move ahead on separation of assets, etc., which has to happen sometime soon? Right now I am supporting her, but I think that needs to end soon.

W presents an outward appearence of everything being fine, but, to me it is clear she is a very troubled soul, with lots of depression triggers hanging over her head (loss of home, career, friends, financial stablility, etc). Do I just wash my hands of her difficulties and move on? I am grappling with how to do that.

Thoughts would be most appreciated.

[Rick1963]

"Do I just let her move ahead with the D'

You have no control over this^^^^^^. I know this stinks but do you have any ideas what you want out of life? Eventually you will need to stop supporting her. She chose to leave right? I am by no means an expert but you need to start doing for You and stop worrying about W. Only you know when it will be time to really let go and move on. hang in there

[gunny]

AC,
I agree with Rick, you will know when the time is right. Until then, why push the issue? Why separate the assets unless she wants you to? Does it cost you anything to keep things status quo?
Just curious, because I am in the same sitch, except that no D papers have been filed, assume my w is waiting until she finds gainful employment and she can come off my health ins

[any chance?]

Gunny:
It has seemed for quite a while, at least 8 months, if not more, that getting a D was on my W's check list - something she just had to do to validate her decisions. She "needs a clean break to move forward", and I told her I would give her one.

Part of me is leaning toward separating finances so that W has a reality check. I have been enabling her by supporting her completely, both emotionally and financially. At some point she has to look at the cold hard facts realize she needs to think about the future. She has a leave of abscence from her job, but needs to let her boss know by the end of February if she is planning on returning. All indications are that she is NOT planning on returning, but she has not even started looking for a job. Finding a job that will replace the one she has will be an interesting experience.

So, no, it does not cost me anything to keep the financial status quo, other than W living expenses. Supporting her just comes naturally, although others tell me I need to cut her off and have her face reality. I really do not know what the right thing to do is.

[any chance?]

Just thinking:

I have noticed over the past while that my friends and family seem to ask less and less about my W. Not sure if they are uncomfortable, or just don't want to bring her up. Kind of makes me sad to realize how much our friend's opinions about W seem to be changing. It is very much like they just assume she is gone forever.

I am moving forward bit by bit, trying to GAL as much as possible. Trying to formulate plans for the holidays. Trying not to get dragged into the lonilness of the season.

Interesting comment by greenblue on Gunny's thread, about WAW and milestones, and how each milestone cements the end of the relationship more and more. My W has two big milestones dead head: getting a job (and giving up her job here) and finalizing the separation/D. I am keep the road home paved and smooth, but the road seems to be getting longer and longer and longer.

[workinghardguy]

I read Greenblue's comment also, but I don't think the intention was quite as you interpreted it... though, that's how I read it first also. Maybe "cemented" isn't the right term... it's that the WAW has these big decision points where life smacks them in the face. They can push stuff to the side, but when that moment comes they have to face it. Telling the kids, filing D, moving out, signing a lease, etc...

Once they pass this milestone they aren't cemented in their new life, they've simply gone past a hurdle. If the new life is rosy and cheery and all they hoped it would be then why would they return? But if the new life isn't all it's cracked up to be, then it gives them a reason to reconsider. That's where the road home being paved and smooth is important.

FWIW it's one of the reasons I've insisted on buying the house from my W. It's large enough for our family. If I was living in a small apartment and my W is living in a small house and she wanted to return, it's one less reason against it. We fit the family in here before we know it works

[any chance?]

Just had my first conversation with W in a couple of weeks, other than 2 minute exchanges at Thanksgiving.

Conversation is a bit hesitant and strained. Not sure she really wants to talk to me. She called to thank me for a care package I sent her this week. She tells me she is doing fine, but her demeanor suggests she either really, really does not want anything to do with me, or that she is not being truthful. I know, I know, I cannot read anything into anything.

Interesting to hear her say she has been prolonging the house remodel she has been working on because she is avoiding the next step, that being trying to find a job.

She also pointed out that she has not spent much time in her new city, due to travel to see friends and family. Seems as if she has not really had a chance to let her new sitch sink in.

She did make sure to mention ongoing D proceedings. Told her I had not heard from her L. She told me she would call them tomorrow.

And so it goes. Man, my friends, I am very tired of being depressed and all consumed. I am losing who I am very rapidly. Not good.

[jbnati]

Chin up, AC! Remember to focus on what you CAN control and that's you. I have to believe being depressed and consumed is not the real you. You are so much more than that. What else can you do to GAL that you're not currently doing?

[any chance?]

How do I interpret this?

Just talked to my W on the phone. Had to contact her about the end of our cell phone contract. We took care of business, about bank accounts and such, then talked about how things are going.

She is having a very hard time motivating herself to find a job. She is very lonely. She misses her friends terribly. She does not want to lean on me for emotional support, and says she needs to find someone else to fill that role. Her old friend who lives 3 hours away has been a major source of emotional support, but my W is concerned about leaning on her too hard. She has no plans for the holidays. Says it is getting pretty dark where she is living.

She is clearly getting depressed again as time goes by. She will now be by herself for the next several weeks. Our D proceedings are continuing, which she find hard, and she finds it awkward to talk to me because of the ongoing separation. I need to send her information about the financial separation, and I don't know how she will take that.

I am very concerned for her, and do not know what to do. I asked her if she would tell me if she was not doing OK, and she said she would if things got really bad. That also confirms to me that her statements of "everything is good here, I am doing alright" are not really true.