wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

I truly have not done anything that would constitute as snooping between my last two posts, which was about a week apart. This time I really only did look at the online phone bill, which does show me all the details of the to/from and times of the texts, but obviously not the content.

That being said, what triggered it this time was her sudden interest in going out with her female friend on Sunday night. This definitely made me suspicious and seeing the texts to/from and call to the OM reaffirmed my decision to check the phone bill. It's possible that after she decided not to go she figured it was because I thought she was going to see the OM and wanted to see if I had been snooping. Or, she was going to see the OM and communicated to him that she was not going to that night.


do you see how your snooping makes you MORE confused, not less?


I felt really bad and very controlling when she told me she was not going to go out because "it was clear I didn't want her to." Over our M I always prided myself on letting her do whatever she wanted and not restricting her like so many other Hs do. I always used to tell her that it was ridiculous that other Ws had to ask their Hs permission to live a normal life, but yet here I am today telling you that I did just that.

First, I don't know many h's who tell their w's where to go or with whom or women who literally "Ask" for permission , but maybe it's b/c I'm over 40 and don't know those types of people...Second, yes you did exactly what you say you don't want to do. ALL b/c you snooped and got mega controlling.

Your "control" is an illusion.

I definitely don't trust that she will go out with her female friend and not see the OM. If I tell her that then it's going to be an argument since my W feels she has done nothing wrong. That's why I think her admission of some kind of A or showing remorse would help... but after reading all these insights you all offer I realize I may never get that.


OMG please tell me you are not waiting for that! To me, you sound like a petulant boy who wants to be declared "Right" damn it!

Stop that. Just BE the better man and KNOW it. It'll show.

What do I do?
1. Stop snooping and assume she's not talking to the OM
2. Continue snooping to see if she's talking to the OM
3. Admit to the snooping and ask why she is talking to the OM
4. Casually ask her if she's talking to the OM to see if she will lie about it

NONE OF THESE^^^^....(but the options you list get crazier as you go along. No more tests!)

STOP SNOOPING AND KNOW YOU ARE THE BETTER MAN. HOPE SHE SEES THAT. IF NOT, IT'S HER LOSS....NO WONDERING ABOUT OM....at all. He's gone.

HE'S NOTHING...work on YOU and let your w see THOSE efforts, Not your controlling ways and the snooping. So destructive.

you are sabotaging this m. I have to wonder why. Maybe the blow to your ego was too much and you don't want to admit that?

That's the only explanation I can come up with for you repeating the same errors. What say you?



The problem in my head is that I thought we were in the "no contact" phase and working on our issues... but apparently she has justified communicating with the OM on some level, and I'm not OK with that. How do I re-communicate that boundary without admitting to snooping?

I would not bother "re-communicating" that "boundary" at all. I would do as I suggested above.

You have NO CONTROL over what she does so repeatedly "ordering" her to not contact him does 3 things :

1) It shows you in a bad, petty insecure and judgemental light

2) which in her eyes forces her to deceive you b/c she's not ready to stop contact with him

3) and it makes you feel bad and angry.

SHE KNOWS you don't want her to contact him. Stop repeating yourself.

IF and WHEN SHE is ready to stop she will. Don't keep making demands she cannot meet and then getting mad that she lets you down-- she doesn't feel she agreed b/c you put her under duress.

She never wanted to stop seeing him and the more snooping you do and the more attempts at control you exert

the more she wants to confide in him.

You are not projecting an attractive strength so how can a woman want to be in your arms for comfort, when the arms are the type to confine and show your need?

She needs your confident strength and love, not your insecurities and fears and insatiable need for reassurance, which she is not yet prepared to give.

The idea that you want her to 'admit doing wrong" is very immature. I'm sorry but it just is. Let go of that b/c honestly what is the point?

if she commits to the m, fully, won't that be enough?

I hope you salvage this if it is what you want. If not, let her go now.