I dated the “boy-toy”, as Starsky refers to him, for two months. Long story short it went south in a hurry. I started to see that the new me was slipping. I was accepting behaviour that I didn’t like and didn’t want in my life. I wasn’t being my best ME either. Long story short, I ended it over a month ago. And had to reiterate that position again yesterday.
My stbxH and I have just finished mediation. We were able to use a free mediation service though the Family Law Centre here and now have an agreement that would be considered “legally” fair. I was hoping for more outside-the-box thinking when it came to holiday schedules etc but there was no way he’d play ball. We ended up with the following:
50/50 custody
alternating weekly schedule with one night at the non-resident parent’s house mid week
no spousal support
no child support
alternating holiday and birthday schedules
split childcare costs
keep our own pensions
keep our own debt
I have the house (no equity)
he has the cottage (and the loan against it)
we each kept a vehicle
50/50 split of the family allowance (monthly gov’t allowance for my American friends)
So, although I’m not 100% happy with where we ended up, the agreement is good for the kids (for now while they are young anyway) and is legally fair. I’m angry about him getting half of the family allowance because the house I am trying to keep over our heads (long story) is one that he chose to walk away from and is far more expensive to run than the one he currently lives in, in a two income situation. I have, however, sucked it up. Thus far I have no legal bill. He could have challenged me and forced us to split our pensions (mine is larger so he would fair better) and, in a gross twist of justice, probably could have come after me for child support because I have a larger salary than he does. I also probably could have hired a lawyer and went after custody since he chose to move outside of their school district. I might have had a shot at getting the rugrats all week days and having him get them every second weekend. I looked at that. Then I looked at my motives. I would have been trying to punish him. It would not have been in their best interest. So I let it go.
StbxH continues to be, well, an a$$. LOL. He forgot he was supposed to have the kids the weekend of the 7th as a switch we made so he could have the weekend of the 15th off to go to a festival that OW’s family is heavily involved in. I accomodated him by taking them both weekends in exchange for him taking them the last two weekends in July. He then called, after the weekend, and said that didn’t work either. He got really angry when I wouldn’t accomdate him again. Oh well, not my problem. It’s amazing to watch him still twist things until he can make them my fault. Well I’m not wearing that hat anymore. His life. His choices. His poor memory and planning skills. And now, his problem to deal with.
Otherwise, I continue to GAL ... focussing on my health a little more lately and trying to shed the last 25 lbs. I’ve even signed up to play softball once a week - I haven’t done that since my teenage years, but I loved it when I did! I took the kiddos camping last weekend, even though camping is not high on my list of “favorite things”, because they love it. And ended up having a great time. I even met up with a bunch of old friends from highschool and had a blast hanging out around the campfire.
I still deal with some of the anger that surfaces - it happened most recently after our final mediation session. And I still work to dig out the issues that led me to become that woman. I had to relook at a bunch of stuff recently as a result of my behaviour in the R with “boytoy”.
All in all, things are really good in my life. I’m happy. For real I no longer have to “fake it ‘till I make it”. I am really looking forward to meeting some more of the people that have helped me along my journey at LLF2. Never a dull moment!
Peace, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
All in all, things are really good in my life. I’m happy. For real I no longer have to “fake it ‘till I make it”. I am really looking forward to meeting some more of the people that have helped me along my journey at LLF2. Never a dull moment!
Peace, PEI
Glad things are good for you!!!
I will say this about new relationships post divorce and after we have traveled on this never ending journey.....
It is nice to see that the things I have learned about me and about relationships really works.......I don't mean to say that I am using some method or tactic to manipulate my partner.....
However, I think that I have found and you have found also that your happiness does not reside in "the relationship" however you can be happy in the relationship which requires that you be happy before the relationship starts.
When your partner in the relationship is not contributing or is doing things that are detrimental to the relationship, you find yourself in a place that you were in before in your marriage but now have a much different perspective.
Before we would compromise the things that make us happy as an individual in order to prop up the marriage/relationship, now we can "let go" of those situations and consequently the relationship in order to make the relationship better or realize that the relationship needs to end if the partner in the relationship is unwilling to modify their actions to once again nuture the relationship.
AND no matter what, our happiness remains intact.
I am raising a drink to you PEI.....
here's to keeping our happiness intact!!!!
cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
WOW ... it's been far too long since I've been here ...
Hmmmm, not much time for now ... in a nutshell:
Life is awesome!
I've moved to a 3 bdroom duplex which will be much more affordable long term for the kids and I. And I LOVE it
StbxH is spewing BIG time. He's finally gotten NASTY. I've had to go as dark as possible, I only respond to texts re the kids if necessary, any other communication usually results in him attacking so I'm removing myself from the line of fire. In his world - the expensive reno's they've been doing on the house they bought (in her name only and is now mortgaged for twice what it's worth) are taking their toll. He looks like crap and is smoking again.
I have the info I need to prep the divorce papers, just waiting until after the holidays to do it up and file it. I've returned to my maiden name legally and am finally getting used to using it again, lol.
Kids are great ... they love the duplex (and Daddy's new house too thankfully) and school is going well. All in all, they are thriving. I will give us both credit for keeping them out of it as much as possible. I have NEVER said a bad word about their dad or OW (or called them names etc) in their presence. It has made a world of difference. For anybody who's not familiar with my sitch, don't confuse that with not holding him accountable - I don't fix stuff for him or pretend things aren't how they are either.
I have an amazing man in my life. It's been 4 months and things just keep getting better. He is strong, a fantastic communicator, affectionate, a great dad .... I could go on and on We've met each other's kids and parents/families, and we're taking it as it comes ... exploring and seeing where it goes. My fave part? BF had his own checklist - knew exactly what he wanted in a partner and wouldn't cheat himself out of any of it. Lucky for me, so far it's been "check" after "check" ... and lucky for him, he's fitting the bill too.
Take care all ... I'm going to try to get back here more often, I promise!!!
Peace, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You've come a long way P, your new "boy toy" is a very lucky fellow!