new to this..

[learning2listen]

Grace,
my friends say I process faster than most, I say I just go dark.. maybe denial, most likely denial.. my life was not happy and i myself had thought about ending our marriage, but I always thought we would get through it.

I dont know what the future holds, and I honestly am afraid of it to some degree. I dont want to close a door that isnt ready to be closed, but rationally I see we are making no effort to each other.. I am too insecure in myself to say that to him.. I cant handle the hurt that may come with the door being closed..

for me right now, not knowing is so painful but knowing the chance it could just be over is too much for me. I dont want to push so I dont contact at all. Its self preservation I guess.

I do all the stuff we arent suppose to, like check his cell phone records.. i see he is not talking to anyone and I try to read into that. Reality could just be he is out enjoying life, like I should be. I can make every excuse in the book...

so when I say I process faster, I dont, I just try to speed up the healing. I think if i just get the divorce started (which I dont want to do) I will shake him up.. or close the door, and maybe then I will feel its ok to get a life.. I dont have the moral obligation to him anymore...but i know that wont help..

I realized today I am in limbo, but I am here because i put myself here. he hasnt asked me to wait. but I feel like if he wants the D so bad he should be the one to start it.

At least then i would know it was completely his choice.

Does any of this make sense? Is 4 months too soon to know anything? it seems like you are either together or your not.. thats it..right?