Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[adinva]

Accuray, one of H's best friends is what I think of as an exceller. He's excellent at everything. He went to an Ivy League university, Wharton MBA, entrepreneur, sold his company, has so much money he spends it like water. Model-like good looks, dresses well, always with a beautiful woman. Works out like a fiend, great body. Runs triathlons. Travels. Reads Ayn Rand.

He married a gorgeous strong woman just like him, with an MBA, competitive body builder, just a perfect match for him.

They divorced after just a few years. We couldn't believe it. But she said no one made her feel worse about herself than being with him.

It's nice that your driven but your drive to excel can poison relationships if you feel everyone should want to be as excellent as you. And in the same ways as you.

This could be overstating, but your comment that what you were reading about passionate marriage makes you driven to have better, and your drive to have better puts your W in an automatic inferior and failing position. If that's happening, you need to learn to think differently.

I'd say, go for what's fun, what feels good. Have a good time. Enjoy her willingness. Ease up on the striving, just keep it in the background, in your own head and not keep trying to make it a mutual project where W's innermost being is the project. That can make someone feel really inadequate. And feeling inadequate not a good start to enjoying sex!