Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

OldTimer,

Thanks again, her LL is quality time. I have been giving her that and she appreciates it.

She has not read any of those books. She did read SSM for me when we started piecing and took that to heart. I asked her to read DB once we were on the road to recovery but she didn't get past the intro. I asked her to read the 5LL's. She read about half. I asked her to read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". She read the first chapter, and then started reading fiction and never came back to it. I'm not going to ask her to read anything else, she's not motivated to do it. When I ask her to and she doesn't, it triggers resentment and I don't want to go there anymore. PM will not speak to her.

I don't believe you were in the same place my W was. You wanted fulfilling sex and were not getting it. She doesn't want sex at all. That's quite different. I don't believe she resents me for having an unfulfilled sex life. She resents me when I don't spend QT with her, and when I set expectations that she can't comfortably meet. She doesn't want to find sex rewarding, she doesn't want sex at all.

The issue is not that I won't make sex rewarding for her -- I will. Given any opportunity I'll make it all about her. It's not about my O, that has not been the focus. I'm not a sexual trance guy, I'm a partner engagement guy (to use PM speak), and neither of us are interested in role play.

In terms of toys, I tried a variety of vibrators, vibrating rings, non-vibrating toys etc. She was very passive aggressive about the whole thing. She really doesn't like vibrators, she said they are uncomfortable, and the noise they make really really bothers her. I asked her to show me how to use them in a way she would like after I determined that what I was doing wasn't working, but she wouldn't, she just said "do whatever you want".

I will read "For Each Other".

I told her last night that I will stop reading PM because it's introducing me to a place I'd like to go with our marriage where she does not want to go with me, so reading it is making things worse.

Accuray